Numbers Chapter 22
The crew of Israel bounced and set camp in the plains of Moab, right by the Jordan and Jericho.
And the children of Israel set forward, and pitched in the plains of Moab on this side Jordan {by} Jericho.
Balak, son of Zippor, peeped all the moves Israel was making against the Amorites.
And Balak the son of Zippor saw all that Israel had done to the Amorites.
Moab was hella shook, super scared of the squad 'cause they were mad deep; Moab was stressed about Israel, no cap.
And Moab was sore afraid of the people, because they {were} many: and Moab was distressed because of the children of Israel.
Moab hit up the Midian elders, saying, "This crew’s about to wipe us out like an ox chomping grass." Balak was the king of Moab at that time, for real.
And Moab said unto the elders of Midian, Now shall this company lick up all {that are} round about us, as the ox licketh up the grass of the field. And Balak the son of Zippor {was} king of the Moabites at that time.
He reached out to Balaam, son of Beor, in Pethor by the river, saying, "Yo, there’s a whole squad that just rolled out from Egypt, and they’re all over the place, chillin' right next to me."
He sent messengers therefore unto Balaam the son of Beor to Pethor, which {is} by the river of the land of the children of his people, to call him, saying, Behold, there is a people come out from Egypt: behold, they cover the face of the earth, and they abide over against me: {face: Heb. eye}
"Slide through and throw some shade at this squad; they’re too lit for me to handle. If you bless 'em, they’re good; if you curse 'em, they’re done."
Come now therefore, I pray thee, curse me this people; for they {are} too mighty for me: peradventure I shall prevail, {that} we may smite them, and {that} I may drive them out of the land: for I wot that he whom thou blessest {is} blessed, and he whom thou cursest is cursed.
The Moab and Midian elders dipped with some divination rewards and hit up Balaam, spilling Balak's tea.
And the elders of Moab and the elders of Midian departed with the rewards of divination in their hand; and they came unto Balaam, and spake unto him the words of Balak.
Balaam was like, "Crash here tonight, and I’ll holla back after the Lord hits me up." The Moab princes stayed with him, periodt.
And he said unto them, Lodge here this night, and I will bring you word again, as the LORD shall speak unto me: and the princes of Moab abode with Balaam.
God pulled up on Balaam and asked, "Who are these peeps with you?"
And God came unto Balaam, and said, What men {are} these with thee?
Balaam replied, "Balak, Zippor's kid and king of Moab, sent me with this message."
And Balaam said unto God, Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab, hath sent unto me, {saying},
Yo, check it out, a whole squad from Egypt is vibin' and covering the earth. Come on, let’s throw some shade at them; maybe I can flex on them and send them packing.
Behold, {there is} a people come out of Egypt, which covereth the face of the earth: come now, curse me them; peradventure I shall be able to overcome them, and drive them out. {I shall...: Heb. I shall prevail in fighting against him}
And God was like, "Nah, Balaam, you ain't rolling with them; don’t curse the crew, they’re blessed, no cap."
And God said unto Balaam, Thou shalt not go with them; thou shalt not curse the people: for they {are} blessed.
So Balaam woke up in the AM and told Balak’s crew, "Bounce back to your spot; the Lord ain't giving me the green light to roll with you."
And Balaam rose up in the morning, and said unto the princes of Balak, Get you into your land: for the LORD refuseth to give me leave to go with you.
The Moab crew got up and told Balak, "Balaam's not down to chill with us."
And the princes of Moab rose up, and they went unto Balak, and said, Balaam refuseth to come with us.
Then Balak sent even more peeps, way more lit than before.
And Balak sent yet again princes, more, and more honourable than they.
They rolled up to Balaam and said, "Balak, son of Zippor, is saying, ‘Don’t let anything stop you from coming to me.’"
And they came to Balaam, and said to him, Thus saith Balak the son of Zippor, Let nothing, I pray thee, hinder thee from coming unto me: {Let...: Heb. Be not thou hindered from, etc}
"I’ll hook you up with mad respect, and whatever you want, I got you; just come through and throw some shade at these people."
For I will promote thee unto very great honour, and I will do whatsoever thou sayest unto me: come therefore, I pray thee, curse me this people.
Balaam replied, "If Balak gave me a mansion full of bling, I can’t go against what the Lord my God said, no cap."
And Balaam answered and said unto the servants of Balak, If Balak would give me his house full of silver and gold, I cannot go beyond the word of the LORD my God, to do less or more.
So I’m asking y’all to chill here tonight, so I can see what else the Lord wants to say.
Now therefore, I pray you, tarry ye also here this night, that I may know what the LORD will say unto me more.
And God pulled up to Balaam at night, saying, "If they come to call you, get up and roll with them; but remember, you gotta do what I tell you."
And God came unto Balaam at night, and said unto him, If the men come to call thee, rise up, {and} go with them; but yet the word which I shall say unto thee, that shalt thou do.
Balaam woke up, saddled his ride, and bounced with the Moab squad.
And Balaam rose up in the morning, and saddled his ass, and went with the princes of Moab.
God was low-key mad he went, so the angel showed up as a blocker. Balaam was riding with his two homies.
And God's anger was kindled because he went: and the angel of the LORD stood in the way for an adversary against him. Now he was riding upon his ass, and his two servants {were} with him.
The ride saw the angel with a sword ready, so she dipped into the field, and Balaam was like, "Get back on track!"
And the ass saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and the ass turned aside out of the way, and went into the field: and Balaam smote the ass, to turn her into the way.
But the angel was chilling in a tight spot between vineyards, walls on both sides, no way to go.
But the angel of the LORD stood in a path of the vineyards, a wall {being} on this side, and a wall on that side.
When the ride spotted the angel, she smashed Balaam’s foot against the wall, and he hit her again, no cap.
And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she thrust herself unto the wall, and crushed Balaam's foot against the wall: and he smote her again.
The angel moved further and stood in a narrow path, no way to turn right or left, just vibes.
And the angel of the LORD went further, and stood in a narrow place, where {was} no way to turn either to the right hand or to the left.
When the ride saw the angel, she straight-up fell down under Balaam, and he got mad and hit her with his staff.
And when the ass saw the angel of the LORD, she fell down under Balaam: and Balaam's anger was kindled, and he smote the ass with a staff.
Then the Lord made the ride speak, and she asked Balaam, "What did I do to you that made you hit me three times?"
And the LORD opened the mouth of the ass, and she said unto Balaam, What have I done unto thee, that thou hast smitten me these three times?
Balaam told her, "You mocked me! If I had a sword, I’d be done with you."
And Balaam said unto the ass, Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.
The ride replied, "Aren't I your ride since day one? Have I ever done you dirty?" And he was like, "Nah."
And the ass said unto Balaam, {Am} not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since {I was} thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee? And he said, Nay. {upon...: Heb. who hast ridden upon me} {ever since...: or, ever since thou wast, etc}
Then the Lord opened Balaam's eyes, and he peeped the angel of the Lord vibing in the way, sword out and ready: he straight up bowed down and hit the ground, no cap.
Then the LORD opened the eyes of Balaam, and he saw the angel of the LORD standing in the way, and his sword drawn in his hand: and he bowed down his head, and fell flat on his face. {fell...: or, bowed himself}
The angel of the Lord was like, "Why you been beating your donkey three times? I'm here to stop you 'cause your vibe is sus."
And the angel of the LORD said unto him, Wherefore hast thou smitten thine ass these three times? behold, I went out to withstand thee, because {thy} way is perverse before me: {to...: Heb. to be an adversary unto thee}
The donkey saw me and dipped from me three times: if she hadn’t, I would’ve totally taken you out and kept her safe, fr.
And the ass saw me, and turned from me these three times: unless she had turned from me, surely now also I had slain thee, and saved her alive.
Balaam told the angel, "I messed up; I didn’t know you were blocking me. If you’re mad, I’ll bounce."
And Balaam said unto the angel of the LORD, I have sinned; for I knew not that thou stoodest in the way against me: now therefore, if it displease thee, I will get me back again. {displease...: Heb. be evil in thine eyes}
The angel was like, "Go with the crew, but only say what I tell you." So Balaam rolled with Balak’s squad.
And the angel of the LORD said unto Balaam, Go with the men: but only the word that I shall speak unto thee, that thou shalt speak. So Balaam went with the princes of Balak.
When Balak heard Balaam was in town, he slid out to meet him in Moab, on the border of Arnon, the farthest edge.
And when Balak heard that Balaam was come, he went out to meet him unto a city of Moab, which {is} in the border of Arnon, which {is} in the utmost coast.
Balak was like, "Didn’t I send for you? Why didn’t you come? I can totally hook you up with some honor!"
And Balak said unto Balaam, Did I not earnestly send unto thee to call thee? wherefore camest thou not unto me? am I not able indeed to promote thee to honour?
Balaam replied, "Yo, I’m here now: do I even have the rizz to say anything? I’ll just speak what God puts in my mouth."
And Balaam said unto Balak, Lo, I am come unto thee: have I now any power at all to say any thing? the word that God putteth in my mouth, that shall I speak.
So Balaam rolled with Balak, and they pulled up to Kirjath-huzoth.
And Balaam went with Balak, and they came unto Kirjathhuzoth. {Kirjathhuzoth: or, a city of streets}
Balak was offering oxen and sheep, sending them to Balaam and his crew.
And Balak offered oxen and sheep, and sent to Balaam, and to the princes that {were} with him.
So the next day, Balak pulled up with Balaam and took him to the high spots of Baal to peep the whole squad.
And it came to pass on the morrow, that Balak took Balaam, and brought him up into the high places of Baal, that thence he might see the utmost {part} of the people.