Matthew Chapter 28
So after the sabbath, when the sun started rising on the first day, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary pulled up to scope out the tomb.
In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first {day} of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.
For real, there was a massive earthquake: an angel from heaven swooped down, rolled the stone away, and just vibed on it.
And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it. {was: or, had been}
This dude's face was like straight-up lightning, and his drip was as white as fresh fallen snow.
His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow:
The guards were totally shook, like they legit fainted.
And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead {men}.
The angel was like, "Yo, chill out, ladies: I know you’re searching for Jesus, the one who got crucified."
And the angel answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified.
He ain't here; he bounced back, just like he said he would. Come check the spot where the Lord was laid.
He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay.
And dip out quick, tell his crew he’s risen from the dead; he’s heading to Galilee; you’ll catch him there, no cap.
And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, he goeth before you into Galilee; there shall ye see him: lo, I have told you.
They bounced from the tomb, scared but hyped, and raced to tell the disciples.
And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word.
While they were on the way, Jesus popped up and was like, "What’s good?" They grabbed his feet and showed him love.
And as they went to tell his disciples, behold, Jesus met them, saying, All hail. And they came and held him by the feet, and worshipped him.
Then Jesus said, "Don’t be shook: go tell my dudes to meet me in Galilee; they’ll see me there."
Then said Jesus unto them, Be not afraid: go tell my brethren that they go into Galilee, and there shall they see me.
As they were leaving, some of the guards went to the city and spilled the tea to the chief priests about all that had gone down.
Now when they were going, behold, some of the watch came into the city, and shewed unto the chief priests all the things that were done.
When they gathered with the elders for a meeting, they hooked the soldiers up with a fat stack of cash,
And when they were assembled with the elders, and had taken counsel, they gave large money unto the soldiers,
Saying, "Just say his disciples came at night and pulled him while we were catching Z's."
Saying, Say ye, His disciples came by night, and stole him {away} while we slept.
And if this gets back to the governor, we’ll smooth things over for you, no cap.
And if this come to the governor's ears, we will persuade him, and secure you.
So they took the cash and did what they were told: this story still gets passed around among the Jews to this day.
So they took the money, and did as they were taught: and this saying is commonly reported among the Jews until this day.
Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus told them to meet up.
Then the eleven disciples went away into Galilee, into a mountain where Jesus had appointed them.
When they saw him, they worshipped him, but some were still a bit sus.
And when they saw him, they worshipped him: but some doubted.
Jesus approached and said, "All authority is mine in heaven and on earth, straight up."
And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, All power is given unto me in heaven and in earth.
So go out there and share the good news with all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.
Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: {teach...: or, make disciples, or, Christians of all nations}
Teach them to follow everything I’ve commanded you: and, for real, I’m with you always, even to the end of the world. Amen.
Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you alway, {even} unto the end of the world. Amen.