Luke Chapter 16
So, Jesus was like, "Yo, there was this wealthy guy with a manager, and people were saying he was wasting all his stuff. That's wild."
And he said also unto his disciples, There was a certain rich man, which had a steward; and the same was accused unto him that he had wasted his goods.
He hit up the manager and said, "What’s the scoop? I’m hearing some sketchy stuff about you. Show me your records, fam; you’re about to be done for."
And he called him, and said unto him, How is it that I hear this of thee? give an account of thy stewardship; for thou mayest be no longer steward.
The manager was pondering, "What’s my next move? My boss is pulling my card, and I can’t hustle; begging ain’t my vibe."
Then the steward said within himself, What shall I do? for my lord taketh away from me the stewardship: I cannot dig; to beg I am ashamed.
He decided, "Bet, I got a plan so that when I'm out, I’ll have peeps to crash with."
I am resolved what to do, that, when I am put out of the stewardship, they may receive me into their houses.
So, he called up all his boss’s debtors and asked the first one, "What do you owe my boss?"
So he called every one of his lord's debtors {unto him}, and said unto the first, How much owest thou unto my lord?
The dude was like, "A hundred jars of oil." The manager replied, "Bet, take your bill, sit down fast, and write fifty."
And he said, An hundred measures of oil. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and sit down quickly, and write fifty. {measures: the word Batus in the original containeth nine gallons three quarts}
Then he asked another, "What about you? How much do you owe?" The guy said, "A hundred bags of wheat." He said, "Aight, take your bill and write eighty."
Then said he to another, And how much owest thou? And he said, An hundred measures of wheat. And he said unto him, Take thy bill, and write fourscore. {measures: the word here interpreted a measure in the original containeth about fourteen bushels and two quarts}
His boss was low-key impressed with the crafty manager because he was slick: the people of this world are way sharper than the kids of light.
And the lord commended the unjust steward, because he had done wisely: for the children of this world are in their generation wiser than the children of light.
I’m telling you, make connections with the cash from the shady stuff, so when you’re in a jam, they got your back for life.
And I say unto you, Make to yourselves friends of the mammon of unrighteousness; that, when ye fail, they may receive you into everlasting habitations. {mammon: or, riches}
If you’re real with the little things, you’ll be real with the big ones too; but if you’re shady with the small, you’ll be shady with the large.
He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much.
If you ain't real with the cash that ain't yours, who’s gonna trust you with the real blessings?
If therefore ye have not been faithful in the unrighteous mammon, who will commit to your trust the true {riches}? {mammon: or, riches}
And if you can't manage what belongs to someone else, how you gonna score your own stuff?
And if ye have not been faithful in that which is another man's, who shall give you that which is your own?
No one can roll with two bosses: you'll either vibe with one and ghost the other, or vice versa. You can't serve God and money, no cap.
No servant can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.
The Pharisees, who were all about that green, peeped what he said and clowned him.
And the Pharisees also, who were covetous, heard all these things: and they derided him.
He told them, "You flex on peeps to look good, but God knows what’s really in your hearts; what’s fire to you is sus to Him."
And he said unto them, Ye are they which justify yourselves before men; but God knoweth your hearts: for that which is highly esteemed among men is abomination in the sight of God.
The law and prophets were a thing until John; now the kingdom of God is the vibe, and everyone’s trying to get in.
The law and the prophets {were} until John: since that time the kingdom of God is preached, and every man presseth into it.
It’s easier for heaven and earth to split than for even a tiny part of the law to fade away.
And it is easier for heaven and earth to pass, than one tittle of the law to fail.
Whoever bounces their wife to marry someone else is being savage; and if you marry someone who got dumped, that’s also wild.
Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from {her} husband committeth adultery.
There was this wealthy dude, draped in purple and fine threads, living large every single day.
There was a certain rich man, which was clothed in purple and fine linen, and fared sumptuously every day:
And there was this beggar named Lazarus, chilling at his gate, totally wrecked with sores.
And there was a certain beggar named Lazarus, which was laid at his gate, full of sores,
Dude just wanted the scraps from the rich guy’s table, and even the dogs were vibing around his sores.
And desiring to be fed with the crumbs which fell from the rich man's table: moreover the dogs came and licked his sores.
Then it happened, the beggar passed away, and angels took him to chill with Abraham; the rich dude also kicked the bucket and got buried.
And it came to pass, that the beggar died, and was carried by the angels into Abraham's bosom: the rich man also died, and was buried;
In the underworld, he looked up, feeling all the pain, and saw Abraham way over there, with Lazarus chilling in his lap.
And in hell he lift up his eyes, being in torments, and seeth Abraham afar off, and Lazarus in his bosom.
He yelled, “Yo, Abraham, show me some mercy! Send Lazarus to just dip his finger in water to cool my tongue; I’m seriously tormented in this fire.”
And he cried and said, Father Abraham, have mercy on me, and send Lazarus, that he may dip the tip of his finger in water, and cool my tongue; for I am tormented in this flame.
Abraham was like, “Bruh, remember when you were living it up? You got your good stuff, and Lazarus had it rough; now he’s vibing, and you’re stuck in pain.”
But Abraham said, Son, remember that thou in thy lifetime receivedst thy good things, and likewise Lazarus evil things: but now he is comforted, and thou art tormented.
Plus, there’s a massive gap between us and you, so nobody can slide over here or you guys can’t come over there.
And beside all this, between us and you there is a great gulf fixed: so that they which would pass from hence to you cannot; neither can they pass to us, that {would come} from thence.
Then he was like, “Please, Father, send him to my fam’s crib.”
Then he said, I pray thee therefore, father, that thou wouldest send him to my father's house:
“I got five bros; let him warn them, so they don’t end up in this mess too.”
For I have five brethren; that he may testify unto them, lest they also come into this place of torment.
Abraham replied, “They’ve got Moses and the prophets; let them listen to those guys.”
Abraham saith unto him, They have Moses and the prophets; let them hear them.
He said, “Nah, Father Abraham; if someone pops back from the dead, they’ll totally switch it up.”
And he said, Nay, father Abraham: but if one went unto them from the dead, they will repent.
He’s like, “If they don’t vibe with Moses and the prophets, they’re not gonna believe even if someone came back from the dead. No cap.”
And he said unto him, If they hear not Moses and the prophets, neither will they be persuaded, though one rose from the dead.