Judges Chapter 8
So the Ephraim crew was like, "Why you treating us like this? You didn’t even hit us up when you were about to throw down with the Midianites!" They were lowkey heated.
And the men of Ephraim said unto him, Why hast thou served us thus, that thou calledst us not, when thou wentest to fight with the Midianites? And they did chide with him sharply. {Why...: Heb. What thing is this thou hast done unto us} {sharply: Heb. strongly}
Gideon was like, "What’s the vibe? What did I even do? Ain’t the leftover grapes from Ephraim way more lit than what I got?"
And he said unto them, What have I done now in comparison of you? {Is} not the gleaning of the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abiezer?
God literally handed you the Midian bosses, Oreb and Zeeb, and what could I even flex compared to y’all? They calmed down after he dropped that.
God hath delivered into your hands the princes of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb: and what was I able to do in comparison of you? Then their anger was abated toward him, when he had said that. {anger: Heb. spirit}
Gideon rolled up to the Jordan with his 300 homies, exhausted but still hunting the op.
And Gideon came to Jordan, {and} passed over, he, and the three hundred men that {were} with him, faint, yet pursuing {them}.
He told the Succoth peeps, "Yo, can I grab some bread for my squad? We’re wiped out, and I’m after Zebah and Zalmunna, those Midian kings."
And he said unto the men of Succoth, Give, I pray you, loaves of bread unto the people that follow me; for they {be} faint, and I am pursuing after Zebah and Zalmunna, kings of Midian.
The dudes from Succoth were like, "Are Zebah and Zalmunna already in your hands? Why should we hook you up with bread for your crew?"
And the princes of Succoth said, {Are} the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna now in thine hand, that we should give bread unto thine army?
Gideon shot back, "When the Lord drops Zebah and Zalmunna into my hands, I’m gonna mess you up with thorns from the wild!"
And Gideon said, Therefore when the LORD hath delivered Zebah and Zalmunna into mine hand, then I will tear your flesh with the thorns of the wilderness and with briers. {tear: Heb. thresh}
Then he dipped to Penuel and said the same thing, and the Penuel guys were just as sus as the Succoth crew.
And he went up thence to Penuel, and spake unto them likewise: and the men of Penuel answered him as the men of Succoth had answered {him}.
Gideon told the Penuel gang, "When I slide back in peace, I’m trashing this tower."
And he spake also unto the men of Penuel, saying, When I come again in peace, I will break down this tower.
Zebah and Zalmunna were chilling in Karkor with about fifteen thousand men left, all that survived from the east, after a hundred and twenty thousand were taken out.
Now Zebah and Zalmunna {were} in Karkor, and their hosts with them, about fifteen thousand {men}, all that were left of all the hosts of the children of the east: for there fell an hundred and twenty thousand men that drew sword. {men that...: or, every one drawing a sword}
Gideon rolled up on the squad chillin’ in tents east of Nobah and Jogbehah and wrecked them, ‘cause they were feeling safe, no cap.
And Gideon went up by the way of them that dwelt in tents on the east of Nobah and Jogbehah, and smote the host: for the host was secure.
When Zebah and Zalmunna dipped, Gideon chased them down and caught those two kings of Midian, making their whole crew scatter, periodt.
And when Zebah and Zalmunna fled, he pursued after them, and took the two kings of Midian, Zebah and Zalmunna, and discomfited all the host. {discomfited: Heb. terrified}
Gideon, son of Joash, came back from the battle before the sun even popped up, fr.
And Gideon the son of Joash returned from battle before the sun {was up},
He grabbed a young dude from Succoth and asked him about the squad leaders, and he spilled the tea on seventy-seven men.
And caught a young man of the men of Succoth, and enquired of him: and he described unto him the princes of Succoth, and the elders thereof, {even} threescore and seventeen men. {described: Heb. writ}
Gideon hit up the Succoth crew and was like, "Yo, look, it’s Zebah and Zalmunna, the ones you clowned me for, asking if their hands were ours so you wouldn’t help my tired squad?"
And he came unto the men of Succoth, and said, Behold Zebah and Zalmunna, with whom ye did upbraid me, saying, {Are} the hands of Zebah and Zalmunna now in thine hand, that we should give bread unto thy men {that are} weary?
He took the city elders and some thorns from the wild and schooled the Succoth guys, savage style.
And he took the elders of the city, and thorns of the wilderness and briers, and with them he taught the men of Succoth. {taught: Heb. made to know}
He wrecked the tower of Penuel and took out the dudes from the city, no cap.
And he beat down the tower of Penuel, and slew the men of the city.
Then he asked Zebah and Zalmunna, "What kind of guys did you take out at Tabor?" They replied, "They looked just like you, each one a total rizz king."
Then said he unto Zebah and Zalmunna, What manner of men {were they} whom ye slew at Tabor? And they answered, As thou {art}, so {were} they; each one resembled the children of a king. {resembled...: Heb. according to the form, etc}
Gideon said, "They were my bros, the sons of my mom. As the Lord lives, if you had let them live, I wouldn’t be slaying you."
And he said, They {were} my brethren, {even} the sons of my mother: {as} the LORD liveth, if ye had saved them alive, I would not slay you.
He told his firstborn, Jether, "Get up and take them out." But the kid was shook and didn’t pull his sword, ‘cause he was still a youngin’.
And he said unto Jether his firstborn, Up, {and} slay them. But the youth drew not his sword: for he feared, because he {was} yet a youth.
Zebah and Zalmunna were like, "Yo, come at us; a real one’s strength is in how they roll." So Gideon popped off and took them out, snatching the bling from their camels.
Then Zebah and Zalmunna said, Rise thou, and fall upon us: for as the man {is, so is} his strength. And Gideon arose, and slew Zebah and Zalmunna, and took away the ornaments that {were} on their camels' necks. {ornaments: or, ornaments like the moon}
The Israel crew told Gideon, "You gotta rule us, no cap, you and your fam, 'cause you saved us from Midian."
Then the men of Israel said unto Gideon, Rule thou over us, both thou, and thy son, and thy son's son also: for thou hast delivered us from the hand of Midian.
Gideon was like, "Nah, I’m not your king, and my son ain't either; the Lord's the real boss here."
And Gideon said unto them, I will not rule over you, neither shall my son rule over you: the LORD shall rule over you.
Gideon asked them, "Can I get a favor? Hook me up with every dude’s earrings from the loot." (They had gold bling 'cause they were Ishmaelites.)
And Gideon said unto them, I would desire a request of you, that ye would give me every man the earrings of his prey. (For they had golden earrings, because they {were} Ishmaelites.)
They were all, "Bet, we got you." They spread out a cloak and tossed in all the earrings.
And they answered, We will willingly give {them}. And they spread a garment, and did cast therein every man the earrings of his prey.
The gold bling Gideon asked for was like 1,700 shekels, plus extra jewels, collars, and dope purple fits from the Midian kings, and chains from their camels.
And the weight of the golden earrings that he requested was a thousand and seven hundred {shekels} of gold; beside ornaments, and collars, and purple raiment that {was} on the kings of Midian, and beside the chains that {were} about their camels' necks. {collars: or, sweet jewels}
Gideon crafted an ephod from it and set it up in his crib at Ophrah, and all of Israel started chasing after it, which turned into a major trap for Gideon and his fam.
And Gideon made an ephod thereof, and put it in his city, {even} in Ophrah: and all Israel went thither a whoring after it: which thing became a snare unto Gideon, and to his house.
Midian got wrecked in front of the Israelites, so they didn’t flex anymore. The land chilled for forty years while Gideon was the boss.
Thus was Midian subdued before the children of Israel, so that they lifted up their heads no more. And the country was in quietness forty years in the days of Gideon.
Jerubbaal, son of Joash, went back to his own spot.
And Jerubbaal the son of Joash went and dwelt in his own house.
Gideon had seventy sons from his many wives, like that’s a whole squad.
And Gideon had threescore and ten sons of his body begotten: for he had many wives. {of his...: Heb. going out of his thigh}
And his side chick from Shechem had a kid too, and he named him Abimelech, no cap.
And his concubine that {was} in Shechem, she also bare him a son, whose name he called Abimelech. {called: Heb. set}
Gideon, Joash's son, lived his best life and passed away old and wise, getting buried in Joash's tomb back in Ophrah.
And Gideon the son of Joash died in a good old age, and was buried in the sepulchre of Joash his father, in Ophrah of the Abiezrites.
But as soon as Gideon kicked the bucket, the Israelites straight up dipped, chasing after Baal and making Baal-berith their new vibe.
And it came to pass, as soon as Gideon was dead, that the children of Israel turned again, and went a whoring after Baalim, and made Baalberith their god.
They totally forgot about the Lord, their OG, who saved them from all their haters.
And the children of Israel remembered not the LORD their God, who had delivered them out of the hands of all their enemies on every side:
And they didn’t even show love to Gideon’s fam, even after all the solid stuff he did for Israel.
Neither shewed they kindness to the house of Jerubbaal, {namely}, Gideon, according to all the goodness which he had shewed unto Israel.