Judges Chapter 9
Abimelech, Jerubbaal's kid, cruised to Shechem to vibe with his fam and was like,
And Abimelech the son of Jerubbaal went to Shechem unto his mother's brethren, and communed with them, and with all the family of the house of his mother's father, saying,
Ayo, Shechem fam! Wouldn’t it be better to have just one of Jerubbaal’s 70 sons in charge instead? Remember, I’m your blood, no cap.
Speak, I pray you, in the ears of all the men of Shechem, Whether {is} better for you, either that all the sons of Jerubbaal, {which are} threescore and ten persons, reign over you, or that one reign over you? remember also that I {am} your bone and your flesh. {Whether...: Heb. What is good? whether, etc}
His fam was hyping him up in front of all the Shechem peeps, saying, "He’s our dude," and they were all feeling like, "We’re all in for Abimelech."
And his mother's brethren spake of him in the ears of all the men of Shechem all these words: and their hearts inclined to follow Abimelech; for they said, He {is} our brother. {to follow: Heb. after}
They slid him 70 silver pieces from Baal-berith's spot, and Abimelech brought on some sus homies to roll with him.
And they gave him threescore and ten {pieces} of silver out of the house of Baalberith, wherewith Abimelech hired vain and light persons, which followed him.
He jetted back to his pops’ place in Ophrah and took out his 70 brothers on one stone. But Jotham, the youngest, was slick and snuck away.
And he went unto his father's house at Ophrah, and slew his brethren the sons of Jerubbaal, {being} threescore and ten persons, upon one stone: notwithstanding yet Jotham the youngest son of Jerubbaal was left; for he hid himself.
Everyone in Shechem and the Millo fam gathered and crowned Abimelech king at the spot with the pillar in Shechem.
And all the men of Shechem gathered together, and all the house of Millo, and went, and made Abimelech king, by the plain of the pillar that {was} in Shechem. {plain: or, oak}
When Jotham peeped this, he climbed Mount Gerizim, raised his voice, and yelled, "Yo, Shechem peeps, listen up so God can hear you too!"
And when they told {it} to Jotham, he went and stood in the top of mount Gerizim, and lifted up his voice, and cried, and said unto them, Hearken unto me, ye men of Shechem, that God may hearken unto you.
One time, the trees were looking for a king, and they hit up the olive tree and said, "You should reign over us!"
The trees went forth {on a time} to anoint a king over them; and they said unto the olive tree, Reign thou over us.
But the olive tree was like, "Nah, should I ditch my vibes that honor God and people just to rule over trees?"
But the olive tree said unto them, Should I leave my fatness, wherewith by me they honour God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees? {go...: or, go up and down for other trees}
Then the trees asked the fig tree, "Yo, come and reign over us!"
And the trees said to the fig tree, Come thou, {and} reign over us.
But the fig tree was like, "For real? Am I gonna ditch my sweetness and fire fruit to be a tree boss? No cap."
But the fig tree said unto them, Should I forsake my sweetness, and my good fruit, and go to be promoted over the trees?
Then the trees were like to the vine, "Yo, you come through and rule over us."
Then said the trees unto the vine, Come thou, {and} reign over us.
And the vine was like, "Should I really leave my wine that vibes with God and people to be a tree boss?"
And the vine said unto them, Should I leave my wine, which cheereth God and man, and go to be promoted over the trees?
Then all the trees hit up the bramble, saying, "Yo, come through and rule over us."
Then said all the trees unto the bramble, Come thou, {and} reign over us. {bramble: or, thistle}
And the bramble was like, "If you really wanna make me king, then trust my shade. If not, let fire come outta me and roast the cedars of Lebanon."
And the bramble said unto the trees, If in truth ye anoint me king over you, {then} come {and} put your trust in my shadow: and if not, let fire come out of the bramble, and devour the cedars of Lebanon.
So like, if you’ve been real and sincere making Abimelech king, and if you’ve treated Jerubbaal and his fam right, then you’re chill.
Now therefore, if ye have done truly and sincerely, in that ye have made Abimelech king, and if ye have dealt well with Jerubbaal and his house, and have done unto him according to the deserving of his hands;
(My pops fought for you, laid it all on the line, and saved you from Midian, for real.)
(For my father fought for you, and adventured his life far, and delivered you out of the hand of Midian: {adventured...: Heb. cast his life}
And you guys are turning on my dad’s house today, taking out his sons, 70 peeps, on one stone, and making Abimelech, his maid’s son, king over Shechem, just 'cause he’s your bro.)
And ye are risen up against my father's house this day, and have slain his sons, threescore and ten persons, upon one stone, and have made Abimelech, the son of his maidservant, king over the men of Shechem, because he {is} your brother;)
If you’ve been genuine and sincere with Jerubbaal and his fam today, then vibe with Abimelech, and let him vibe with you too.
If ye then have dealt truly and sincerely with Jerubbaal and with his house this day, {then} rejoice ye in Abimelech, and let him also rejoice in you:
But if not, let fire come from Abimelech and toast the men of Shechem and the house of Millo; and let fire come from them and toast Abimelech.
But if not, let fire come out from Abimelech, and devour the men of Shechem, and the house of Millo; and let fire come out from the men of Shechem, and from the house of Millo, and devour Abimelech.
Jotham bounced, ran to Beer, and chilled there 'cause he was scared of his bro Abimelech.
And Jotham ran away, and fled, and went to Beer, and dwelt there, for fear of Abimelech his brother.
Abimelech was king for three years over Israel, no cap.
When Abimelech had reigned three years over Israel,
Then God sent some sus vibes between Abimelech and the Shechem squad; they totally switched up on him.
Then God sent an evil spirit between Abimelech and the men of Shechem; and the men of Shechem dealt treacherously with Abimelech:
All the savage stuff done to the seventy sons of Jerubbaal was about to hit, and their blood was on Abimelech and the Shechem crew who backed him.
That the cruelty {done} to the threescore and ten sons of Jerubbaal might come, and their blood be laid upon Abimelech their brother, which slew them; and upon the men of Shechem, which aided him in the killing of his brethren. {aided...: Heb. strengthened his hands to kill}
The Shechem boys set a trap for him on the mountains, robbing anyone who passed by; Abimelech got the 411 on that.
And the men of Shechem set liers in wait for him in the top of the mountains, and they robbed all that came along that way by them: and it was told Abimelech.
Gaal, son of Ebed, rolled up with his crew to Shechem, and all the Shechem folks were down with him.
And Gaal the son of Ebed came with his brethren, and went over to Shechem: and the men of Shechem put their confidence in him.
They hit the fields, picked grapes, had a lit time, then went to their god's crib to eat, drink, and throw shade at Abimelech.
And they went out into the fields, and gathered their vineyards, and trode {the grapes}, and made merry, and went into the house of their god, and did eat and drink, and cursed Abimelech. {merry: or, songs}
Gaal was like, "Who even is Abimelech? Why should we serve him? He’s just Jerubbaal’s son, and Zebul is his dude. We should vibe with the men of Hamor, not him."
And Gaal the son of Ebed said, Who {is} Abimelech, and who {is} Shechem, that we should serve him? {is} not {he} the son of Jerubbaal? and Zebul his officer? serve the men of Hamor the father of Shechem: for why should we serve him?
He was like, "For real, if I was in charge, I’d kick Abimelech out. Yo, Abimelech, level up your squad and come at me!"
And would to God this people were under my hand! then would I remove Abimelech. And he said to Abimelech, Increase thine army, and come out.
When Zebul, the city boss, heard what Gaal was saying, he got super heated.
And when Zebul the ruler of the city heard the words of Gaal the son of Ebed, his anger was kindled. {kindled: or, hot}
He slid into Abimelech's DMs like, "Yo, Gaal and his crew just pulled up to Shechem, and they’re beefing up the city against you."
And he sent messengers unto Abimelech privily, saying, Behold, Gaal the son of Ebed and his brethren be come to Shechem; and, behold, they fortify the city against thee. {privily: Heb. craftily or, to Tormah}
So, like, get your squad together at night and chill in the fields, no cap.
Now therefore up by night, thou and the people that {is} with thee, and lie in wait in the field:
When morning hits, pop off and hit the city; when Gaal and his crew roll out, you do you, fam.
And it shall be, {that} in the morning, as soon as the sun is up, thou shalt rise early, and set upon the city: and, behold, {when} he and the people that {is} with him come out against thee, then mayest thou do to them as thou shalt find occasion. {as thou shalt...: Heb. as thine hand shall find}
Abimelech and his crew bounced up at night, laying low against Shechem in four squads, ready to go.
And Abimelech rose up, and all the people that {were} with him, by night, and they laid wait against Shechem in four companies.
Gaal stepped out and stood at the city gate, and Abimelech and his crew were like, "Surprise!" from their hiding spot.
And Gaal the son of Ebed went out, and stood in the entering of the gate of the city: and Abimelech rose up, and the people that {were} with him, from lying in wait.
Gaal saw some peeps and told Zebul, "Check it, folks are coming down from the mountains." Zebul was like, "Nah, bro, that’s just mountain shadows."
And when Gaal saw the people, he said to Zebul, Behold, there come people down from the top of the mountains. And Zebul said unto him, Thou seest the shadow of the mountains as {if they were} men.
Gaal was like, "For real, there’s more peeps coming down the middle of the land, and another crew is rolling in from the plain."
And Gaal spake again and said, See there come people down by the middle of the land, and another company come along by the plain of Meonenim. {middle: Heb. navel} {Meonenim: or, the regarders of times}
Zebul clapped back, "Where's that mouth of yours now? You were talking big about Abimelech; is this not the crew you dissed? Go out and show them what’s up."
Then said Zebul unto him, Where {is} now thy mouth, wherewith thou saidst, Who {is} Abimelech, that we should serve him? {is} not this the people that thou hast despised? go out, I pray now, and fight with them.
Gaal stepped out in front of the Shechem squad and threw down with Abimelech.
And Gaal went out before the men of Shechem, and fought with Abimelech.
Abimelech went after him, Gaal dipped, and a bunch of people got wrecked, even near the city gate.
And Abimelech chased him, and he fled before him, and many were overthrown {and} wounded, {even} unto the entering of the gate.
Abimelech was chilling at Arumah, while Zebul kicked Gaal and his crew outta Shechem.
And Abimelech dwelt at Arumah: and Zebul thrust out Gaal and his brethren, that they should not dwell in Shechem.
The next day, the squad rolled out to the fields and hit up Abimelech with the tea.
And it came to pass on the morrow, that the people went out into the field; and they told Abimelech.
He gathered the crew, split them into three squads, and laid low in the fields, waiting for the peeps from the city to pop out, then he went off on them.
And he took the people, and divided them into three companies, and laid wait in the field, and looked, and, behold, the people {were} come forth out of the city; and he rose up against them, and smote them.
Abimelech and his squad charged in, blocking the city gate, while the other two squads took out everyone vibing in the fields.
And Abimelech, and the company that {was} with him, rushed forward, and stood in the entering of the gate of the city: and the two {other} companies ran upon all {the people} that {were} in the fields, and slew them.
Abimelech was throwing down against the city all day; he took it over, wiped out the peeps there, and salted the earth like a savage.
And Abimelech fought against the city all that day; and he took the city, and slew the people that {was} therein, and beat down the city, and sowed it with salt.
When the guys in the tower of Shechem caught wind of that, they bounced to the hold of the house of their god, Berith.
And when all the men of the tower of Shechem heard {that}, they entered into an hold of the house of the god Berith.
Word reached Abimelech that all the dudes from the tower of Shechem were gathered up.
And it was told Abimelech, that all the men of the tower of Shechem were gathered together.
Abimelech hit up mount Zalmon with his crew, grabbed an axe, chopped down a branch, threw it on his shoulder, and told his squad, "Do what I just did, fam."
And Abimelech gat him up to mount Zalmon, he and all the people that {were} with him; and Abimelech took an axe in his hand, and cut down a bough from the trees, and took it, and laid {it} on his shoulder, and said unto the people that {were} with him, What ye have seen me do, make haste, {and} do as I {have done}. {me do: Heb. I have done}
Everyone else cut down their branches too, followed Abimelech, stacked 'em up in the hold, and lit it on fire; about a thousand men and women from the tower of Shechem were done for.
And all the people likewise cut down every man his bough, and followed Abimelech, and put {them} to the hold, and set the hold on fire upon them; so that all the men of the tower of Shechem died also, about a thousand men and women.
Then Abimelech bounced to Thebez, set up camp, and took it down.
Then went Abimelech to Thebez, and encamped against Thebez, and took it.
There was this dope tower in the city, and everyone dipped there, locking it down and climbing to the top.
But there was a strong tower within the city, and thither fled all the men and women, and all they of the city, and shut {it} to them, and gat them up to the top of the tower.
Then Abimelech showed up at the tower, ready to throw down, and tried to light that door on fire.
And Abimelech came unto the tower, and fought against it, and went hard unto the door of the tower to burn it with fire.
A woman chucked a millstone at Abimelech’s head, trying to wreck his skull, no cap.
And a certain woman cast a piece of a millstone upon Abimelech's head, and all to brake his skull.
He quickly called his armor-bearer, like, "Draw your sword and end me, so people don’t say a woman took me out." The dude went for it and he was done.
Then he called hastily unto the young man his armourbearer, and said unto him, Draw thy sword, and slay me, that men say not of me, A woman slew him. And his young man thrust him through, and he died.
When the guys of Israel saw Abimelech was toast, they all bounced back to their spots.
And when the men of Israel saw that Abimelech was dead, they departed every man unto his place.
God got back at Abimelech for all the grimy stuff he did to his dad by taking out his seventy bros.
Thus God rendered the wickedness of Abimelech, which he did unto his father, in slaying his seventy brethren:
And all the shady moves from the men of Shechem got served back to them, plus the curse from Jotham, Jerubbaal’s son.
And all the evil of the men of Shechem did God render upon their heads: and upon them came the curse of Jotham the son of Jerubbaal.