Genesis Chapter 38
So, Judah bounced from his fam and linked up with this dude Hirah from Adullam.
And it came to pass at that time, that Judah went down from his brethren, and turned in to a certain Adullamite, whose name {was} Hirah.
He peeped a Canaanite girl named Shuah and was like, "Bet," so they vibed together.
And Judah saw there a daughter of a certain Canaanite, whose name {was} Shuah; and he took her, and went in unto her.
She got knocked up and had a son, who he called Er.
And she conceived, and bare a son; and he called his name Er.
Then she got knocked up again and had another son, naming him Onan.
And she conceived again, and bare a son; and she called his name Onan.
She went for round three, had yet another son, and called him Shelah while hanging at Chezib.
And she yet again conceived, and bare a son; and called his name Shelah: and he was at Chezib, when she bare him.
Judah found a wifey for his first kid Er, and her name was Tamar.
And Judah took a wife for Er his firstborn, whose name {was} Tamar.
But Er was super sus in the Lord’s eyes, so the Lord took him out.
And Er, Judah's firstborn, was wicked in the sight of the LORD; and the LORD slew him.
Judah told Onan, "Yo, marry your bro’s wifey and help him with some kids."
And Judah said unto Onan, Go in unto thy brother's wife, and marry her, and raise up seed to thy brother.
Onan knew the kids wouldn’t be his, so when he got with his bro's wife, he spilled it on the ground.
And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled {it} on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother.
The Lord was not feeling that, so He took Onan out too.
And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. {displeased...: Heb. was evil in the eyes of the Lord}
Judah told Tamar, "Chill at your pops' crib until Shelah grows up, no cap, I can't lose another son."
Then said Judah to Tamar his daughter in law, Remain a widow at thy father's house, till Shelah my son be grown: for he said, Lest peradventure he die also, as his brethren {did}. And Tamar went and dwelt in her father's house.
Time went by, and Shuah, Judah’s wife, passed away. Judah was feeling better and hit up Timnath to shear some sheep with Hirah.
And in process of time the daughter of Shuah Judah's wife died; and Judah was comforted, and went up unto his sheepshearers to Timnath, he and his friend Hirah the Adullamite. {in process...: Heb. the days were multiplied}
Tamar got the scoop that her father-in-law was rolling to Timnath to shear his sheep.
And it was told Tamar, saying, Behold thy father in law goeth up to Timnath to shear his sheep.
She ditched her widow clothes, threw on a veil, and sat by the road to Timnath, 'cause she knew Shelah was grown but still wasn’t given to him.
And she put her widow's garments off from her, and covered her with a vail, and wrapped herself, and sat in an open place, which {is} by the way to Timnath; for she saw that Shelah was grown, and she was not given unto him to wife. {an open...: Heb. the door of eyes, or, of Enajim}
Judah saw her and thought she was a hustler since her face was covered up.
When Judah saw her, he thought her {to be} an harlot; because she had covered her face.
He rolled up to her and was like, "Yo, can I slide?" (He had no clue she was his daughter-in-law.) She was like, "What you gonna give me?"
And he turned unto her by the way, and said, Go to, I pray thee, let me come in unto thee; (for he knew not that she {was} his daughter in law.) And she said, What wilt thou give me, that thou mayest come in unto me?
He replied, "I’ll send you a goat from the flock." She said, "Bet, but can I get a guarantee until then?"
And he said, I will send {thee} a kid from the flock. And she said, Wilt thou give {me} a pledge, till thou send {it}? {a kid: Heb. a kid of the goats}
He asked, "What guarantee do you need?" She said, "Your signet, bracelets, and staff." He gave them to her, and they hooked up, and she got preggo.
And he said, What pledge shall I give thee? And she said, Thy signet, and thy bracelets, and thy staff that {is} in thine hand. And he gave {it} her, and came in unto her, and she conceived by him.
She dipped, took off the veil, and put on her widow clothes again.
And she arose, and went away, and laid by her vail from her, and put on the garments of her widowhood.
Judah sent the goat with his homie Hirah to get his stuff back from the woman, but he couldn’t find her anywhere.
And Judah sent the kid by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive {his} pledge from the woman's hand: but he found her not.
He asked the locals, "Where’s the hustler who was chilling by the road?" They were like, "No hustler here, fam."
Then he asked the men of that place, saying, Where {is} the harlot, that {was} openly by the way side? And they said, There was no harlot in this {place}. {openly: or, in Enajim}
He went back to Judah and said, "Can't find her, and the locals say there’s no hustler around here."
And he returned to Judah, and said, I cannot find her; and also the men of the place said, {that} there was no harlot in this {place}.
Judah was like, "Let her keep it, we don’t wanna be embarrassed. I sent a goat, and she’s ghosting us."
And Judah said, Let her take {it} to her, lest we be shamed: behold, I sent this kid, and thou hast not found her. {be shamed: Heb. become a contempt}
A few months later, Judah got the tea: "Tamar’s been acting like a hustler, and she’s preggo." Judah was like, "Bring her out, she should be burned."
And it came to pass about three months after, that it was told Judah, saying, Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she {is} with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.
When she was brought out, she sent a message to her father-in-law saying, "I’m preggo by the dude who owns these. Check the signet, bracelets, and staff."
When she {was} brought forth, she sent to her father in law, saying, By the man, whose these {are, am} I with child: and she said, Discern, I pray thee, whose {are} these, the signet, and bracelets, and staff.
Judah recognized them and was like, "She’s more righteous than me, 'cause I didn’t give her to Shelah." He never hooked up with her again.
And Judah acknowledged {them}, and said, She hath been more righteous than I; because that I gave her not to Shelah my son. And he knew her again no more.
When it was time for her to give birth, surprise, she was having twins!
And it came to pass in the time of her travail, that, behold, twins {were} in her womb.
During her labor, one baby put out his hand, and the midwife tied a red thread on it, saying, "This one’s first."
And it came to pass, when she travailed, that {the one} put out {his} hand: and the midwife took and bound upon his hand a scarlet thread, saying, This came out first.
But then the other brother popped out too, and she was like, "Whoa, you broke out first! You get the name Pharez."
And it came to pass, as he drew back his hand, that, behold, his brother came out: and she said, How hast thou broken forth? {this} breach {be} upon thee: therefore his name was called Pharez. {How hast...: or, Wherefore hast thou made this breach against thee?} {Pharez: that is A breach}
After that, the other brother came out with the red thread, and they named him Zarah.
And afterward came out his brother, that had the scarlet thread upon his hand: and his name was called Zarah.