Genesis Chapter 30
Rachel was totally bummed she couldn’t give Jacob kids, so she hit him with, "Give me children, or I’m outta here, fr."
And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.
Jacob got hella mad at Rachel and was like, "Am I God? I can't just drop kids on you, no cap."
And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, {Am} I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?
Rachel shot back, "Ayo, my maid Bilhah can step in. She'll crank out kids for me."
And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her. {have...: Heb. be built by her}
So Rachel gave Jacob Bilhah to chill with, and he went in to her, solid vibes.
And she gave him Bilhah her handmaid to wife: and Jacob went in unto her.
Bilhah got pregnant and gave Jacob a son, that’s bussin.
And Bilhah conceived, and bare Jacob a son.
Rachel said, "God's got my back and heard me, so I’m naming him Dan, periodt."
And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan. {Dan: that is, Judging}
Bilhah got knocked up again and gave Jacob another son, rizz on rizz.
And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.
Rachel was like, "I fought hard with my sister and won," so she named him Naphtali, savage.
And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali. {great...: Heb. wrestlings of God} {Naphtali: that is, My wrestling: Gr. Nephthalim}
Leah realized she was done having kids, so she gave Jacob her maid Zilpah to vibe with.
When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.
Zilpah gave Jacob a son, that’s another W.
And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a son.
Leah was like, "A whole squad is coming!" and named him Gad.
And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad. {Gad: that is, A troop, or, company}
Zilpah, Leah’s girl, popped out another son for Jacob.
And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.
Leah was vibin', saying, "I’m so blessed, the girls are gonna call me lit!" and named him Asher.
And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher. {Happy...: Heb. In my happiness} {Asher: that is, Happy}
Reuben was out during harvest, found some mandrakes, and brought them to his mom, Leah. Rachel was like, "Yo, let me get some of those mandrakes."
And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.
Leah shot back, "Is it not enough you took my man? You wanna snag my son’s mandrakes too?" Rachel said, "He’ll sleep with you tonight for those mandrakes, no cap."
And she said unto her, {Is it} a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.
Jacob rolled in from the field at night, and Leah was like, "You gotta come in; I got those mandrakes." And he spent the night with her.
And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.
God was listening to Leah, and she got pregnant, giving Jacob their fifth son.
And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.
Leah said, "God blessed me for giving my girl to my man," and named him Issachar.
And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar. {Issachar: that is, An hire}
Leah got pregnant yet again and had Jacob’s sixth son.
And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.
Leah said, "God hooked me up with a solid deal; now my man’s gonna stick around since I gave him six sons," and named him Zebulun.
And Leah said, God hath endued me {with} a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun. {Zebulun: that is, Dwelling: Gr. Zabulon}
Then she had a daughter and named her Dinah, that’s cute.
And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah. {Dinah: that is Judgment}
God remembered Rachel and opened her womb, that’s a major glow-up.
And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.
She got pregnant and said, "God took away my shame," lit.
And she conceived, and bare a son; and said, God hath taken away my reproach:
She named him Joseph, saying, "God is gonna bless me with another one, no cap."
And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son. {Joseph: that is, Adding}
Once Rachel had Joseph, Jacob was like, "Laban, let me bounce back to my place."
And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.
"Give me my wives and kids, I’ve put in the grind for them, let me dip."
Give {me} my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.
Laban was like, "Yo, if I’m cool with you, stick around a bit longer; I've been blessed 'cause of you."
And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, {tarry: for} I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.
Jacob said, "Set my pay, and I’ll roll with it."
And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give {it}.
He told Laban, "You know how I’ve been grinding for you and your cattle."
And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.
"You had little before I showed up, but now it’s a whole lot, and God blessed you since I came; when do I get to take care of my own fam?"
For {it was} little which thou hadst before I {came}, and it is {now} increased unto a multitude; and the LORD hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also? {increased: Heb. broken forth} {since...: Heb. at my foot}
And he was like, "What’s the deal, fam?" Jacob replied, "Nah, keep your stuff. If you hook me up with this, I’ll keep your flock lit."
And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed {and} keep thy flock:
"I’m gonna check out your flock today, taking all the speckled and spotted ones, plus the brown sheep and all the sus goats. That’s my payment, no cap."
I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and {of such} shall be my hire.
"My vibe is gonna show up later when it’s time to collect my pay: any goats that ain’t speckled or spotted and any sheep that ain’t brown are basically stolen from me."
So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that {is} not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me. {in time...: Heb. to morrow}
Laban was like, "Aight, sounds good, let’s do it your way."
And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.
That day, he took away all the ringstraked and spotted male goats, along with the speckled she-goats and any with white on them, plus all the brown sheep, and gave them to his sons.
And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, {and} every one that had {some} white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave {them} into the hand of his sons.
He put a three-day distance between himself and Jacob while Jacob took care of the rest of Laban’s flocks.
And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.
Jacob grabbed some green poplar sticks, along with hazel and chestnut, and stripped them to show the white inside.
And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which {was} in the rods.
He set those sticks where the flocks would drink, hoping they’d have babies while sipping.
And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.
The flocks were vibing with the sticks and ended up having ringstraked, speckled, and spotted babies.
And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.
Jacob sorted out the lambs, making sure they faced the ringstraked and all the brown ones from Laban, keeping his own flocks separated from Laban’s crew.
And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.
So whenever the strong cows were about to give birth, Jacob put some sticks in their view to make sure they popped off with the strong vibes.
And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.
But when the cows were weak, he didn’t bother; so the weak ones were Laban’s, and the strong ones were Jacob’s, no cap.
But when the cattle were feeble, he put {them} not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.
Dude was stacking up mad wealth, with tons of cattle, servants, and even camels and donkeys. That’s straight bussin.
And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.