Genesis Chapter 27
So, Isaac was aging and his sight was mega sus. He called for his eldest son, Esau, and said, "Yo, I’m here."
And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, {here am} I.
Isaac was like, "I’m super old, no cap, and I have no clue when I'm gonna kick the bucket."
And he said, Behold now, I am old, I know not the day of my death:
He tells Esau, "Ayo, grab your gear, your bow and arrows, and go hunt me some food."
Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me {some} venison; {take: Heb. hunt}
"Cook up something fire that I love and bring it to me so I can eat and bless you before I bounce."
And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring {it} to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.
Rebekah caught wind of Isaac chatting with Esau, and Esau dipped to hunt for that good grub.
And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt {for} venison, {and} to bring {it}.
Rebekah told her son Jacob, "Yo, I heard your dad telling Esau to bring him food."
And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,
"He wants some venison and tasty eats to bless you before he bounces."
Bring me venison, and make me savoury meat, that I may eat, and bless thee before the LORD before my death.
"So, listen up, my dude, just follow my lead."
Now therefore, my son, obey my voice according to that which I command thee.
"Go snag me two choice goats from the flock; I’ll prepare some lit food for your pops."
Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:
"Then bring it to him so he can eat and bless you before he checks out."
And thou shalt bring {it} to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.
Jacob responded to his mom, "Yo, Esau's all hairy and I’m just smooth AF."
And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother {is} a hairy man, and I {am} a smooth man:
"Dad might touch me and think I’m sus, and that would be a curse, not a blessing, no cap."
My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.
His mom was like, "The curse’s on me, my dude: just do what I say and get those goats."
And his mother said unto him, Upon me {be} thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me {them}.
He went and got them for his mom, and she cooked up some fire food that Dad was into.
And he went, and fetched, and brought {them} to his mother: and his mother made savoury meat, such as his father loved.
Rebekah took Esau's fresh threads from the crib and suited Jacob up in them.
And Rebekah took goodly raiment of her eldest son Esau, which {were} with her in the house, and put them upon Jacob her younger son: {goodly: Heb. desirable}
Then she put goat skins on his hands and neck to make him look more like Esau.
And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:
She handed him the tasty food and bread she made, saying, "Take this to your dad."
And she gave the savoury meat and the bread, which she had prepared, into the hand of her son Jacob.
He pulled up to his dad and asked, "What’s good, Dad?" Isaac responded, "Who are you, my son?"
And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here {am} I; who {art} thou, my son?
Jacob replied, "I’m Esau, your firstborn; I did what you said: get up, sit, and eat my food so you can bless me."
And Jacob said unto his father, I {am} Esau thy firstborn; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.
Isaac was like, "How’d you find it so quick, my dude?" Jacob said, "The Lord hooked me up."
And Isaac said unto his son, How {is it} that thou hast found {it} so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought {it} to me. {to me: Heb. before me}
Isaac was like, "Yo Jacob, come here so I can check if you’re really my son Esau or nah."
And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou {be} my very son Esau or not.
Jacob approached Isaac, and he felt him, saying, "The voice is Jacob’s but those hands are definitely Esau's."
And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice {is} Jacob's voice, but the hands {are} the hands of Esau.
He couldn't figure it out, 'cause his hands were all hairy like Esau's, so he blessed him anyway.
And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau's hands: so he blessed him.
Isaac asked, "Are you really my son Esau?" Jacob was like, "No cap, I am."
And he said, {Art} thou my very son Esau? And he said, I {am}.
Isaac said, "Bring me that food so I can eat and bless you." Jacob delivered it, and they vibed with some wine too.
And he said, Bring {it} near to me, and I will eat of my son's venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought {it} near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine, and he drank.
Isaac told him, "Come closer and give me a kiss, my dude."
And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.
Jacob kissed him, and Isaac caught that fresh scent of his clothes and blessed him, saying, "Wow, my son smells like a blessed field."
And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son {is} as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:
So God’s about to hook you up with heaven’s dew, earth’s goodies, and loads of corn and wine.
Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:
Nations will serve you, people will bow to you; you'll be the boss over your fam, and anyone who curses you is sus, while those who bless you are goated.
Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed {be} every one that curseth thee, and blessed {be} he that blesseth thee.
As soon as Isaac wrapped up blessing Jacob, Jacob barely dipped when Esau rolled back from hunting.
And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.
He brought some fire food to his pops and said, "Yo, rise up and eat this venison so you can bless me, fam."
And he also had made savoury meat, and brought it unto his father, and said unto his father, Let my father arise, and eat of his son's venison, that thy soul may bless me.
Isaac asked, "Who are you?" Esau replied, "I’m your son, the OG Esau."
And Isaac his father said unto him, Who {art} thou? And he said, I {am} thy son, thy firstborn Esau.
Isaac flipped out and asked, "Who? Who took the venison and fed me? I already blessed him, no cap."
And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where {is} he that hath taken venison, and brought {it} me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, {and} he shall be blessed. {trembled...: Heb. trembled with a great trembling greatly} {taken: Heb. hunted}
When Esau heard his dad, he cried hard and said, "Bless me too, Dad, fr."
And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, {even} me also, O my father.
Isaac said, "Your brother played you and snagged your blessing."
And he said, Thy brother came with subtilty, and hath taken away thy blessing.
Esau was like, "Isn’t he named Jacob for a reason? He’s been stealing my vibes twice: first my birthright, now my blessing. You got anything for me?"
And he said, Is not he rightly named Jacob? for he hath supplanted me these two times: he took away my birthright; and, behold, now he hath taken away my blessing. And he said, Hast thou not reserved a blessing for me? {Jacob: that is, A supplanter}
Isaac replied, "I made him your boss, and all his bros are his servants; I’ve hooked him up with food and drink. What can I do for you now?"
And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son? {sustained: or, supported}
Esau asked, "Is there only one blessing, Dad? Bless me too!" and he started crying.
And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, {even} me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.
Isaac said, "You’ll live off the best parts of the earth and the dew from heaven, periodt."
And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above; {the fatness: or, of the fatness}
"You’ll live by the sword and serve your brother, but one day you’ll break free from his grip."
And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.
Esau was straight-up salty at Jacob 'cause their pops blessed him, and he was like, “Once Dad's gone, I’m gonna take out my bro.”
And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.
Rebekah caught wind of Esau's plan and called Jacob, telling him, “Yo, your bro is low-key plotting to take you out.”
And these words of Esau her elder son were told to Rebekah: and she sent and called Jacob her younger son, and said unto him, Behold, thy brother Esau, as touching thee, doth comfort himself, {purposing} to kill thee.
So, my dude, listen up; bounce to Laban's crib in Haran for a minute.
Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; and arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;
Chill there for a few days until Esau cools off.
And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother's fury turn away;
Once he forgets what you did, I’ll come scoop you. I can’t lose both my sons in one day, no cap.
Until thy brother's anger turn away from thee, and he forget {that} which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?
Rebekah told Isaac, “I’m not vibing with life if Jacob marries one of those Heth girls. What’s even the point?”
And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these {which are} of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?