Genesis Chapter 14
So, like, when Amraphel was king of Shinar and rollin' with his crew—Arioch, Chedorlaomer, and Tidal—the scene was lit.
And it came to pass in the days of Amraphel king of Shinar, Arioch king of Ellasar, Chedorlaomer king of Elam, and Tidal king of nations;
These dudes threw down with Bera, the king of Sodom, Birsha, the king of Gomorrah, plus Shinab of Admah and Shemeber of Zeboiim, along with the king of Bela, a.k.a. Zoar.
{That these} made war with Bera king of Sodom, and with Birsha king of Gomorrah, Shinab king of Admah, and Shemeber king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela, which is Zoar.
All these kings joined forces in the vale of Siddim, which is basically the salty sea, no cap.
All these were joined together in the vale of Siddim, which is the salt sea.
For twelve years, they were loyal to Chedorlaomer, but in year thirteen, they were like, "Nah, we’re done with this."
Twelve years they served Chedorlaomer, and in the thirteenth year they rebelled.
Then in year fourteen, Chedorlaomer and his squad rolled through and wrecked the Rephaims at Ashteroth Karnaim, the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emims at Shaveh Kiriathaim.
And in the fourteenth year came Chedorlaomer, and the kings that {were} with him, and smote the Rephaims in Ashteroth Karnaim, and the Zuzims in Ham, and the Emims in Shaveh Kiriathaim, {Shaveh...: or, The plain of Kiriathaim}
They also faced off against the Horites in Mount Seir, all the way to El-paran, near the wild.
And the Horites in their mount Seir, unto Elparan, which {is} by the wilderness. {Elparan: or, The plain of Paran}
They made a pit stop back to En-mishpat, a.k.a. Kadesh, and took out the Amalekites and Amorites just chillin’ in Hazezon-tamar.
And they returned, and came to Enmishpat, which {is} Kadesh, and smote all the country of the Amalekites, and also the Amorites, that dwelt in Hazezontamar.
Then the kings of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim, and Bela (Zoar, fr) rolled out and started battling in the vale of Siddim.
And there went out the king of Sodom, and the king of Gomorrah, and the king of Admah, and the king of Zeboiim, and the king of Bela (the same {is} Zoar;) and they joined battle with them in the vale of Siddim;
They went head-to-head with Chedorlaomer, Tidal, Amraphel, and Arioch; four kings against five, savage vibes all around.
With Chedorlaomer the king of Elam, and with Tidal king of nations, and Amraphel king of Shinar, and Arioch king of Ellasar; four kings with five.
The vale of Siddim had mad slimepits, and Sodom and Gomorrah’s kings dipped but got caught; the ones that stayed fled to the mountains.
And the vale of Siddim {was full of} slimepits; and the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, and fell there; and they that remained fled to the mountain.
They grabbed all the goods from Sodom and Gomorrah, snatched their food, and bounced.
And they took all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah, and all their victuals, and went their way.
They also took Lot, Abram’s bro's kid, who was just chillin’ in Sodom, and jetted with his stuff.
And they took Lot, Abram's brother's son, who dwelt in Sodom, and his goods, and departed.
Then someone who managed to escape pulled up and spilled the tea to Abram the Hebrew, since he was chilling in the Mamre area with his homies.
And there came one that had escaped, and told Abram the Hebrew; for he dwelt in the plain of Mamre the Amorite, brother of Eshcol, and brother of Aner: and these {were} confederate with Abram. {plain: Heb. plains}
When Abram peeped that his bro got taken, he suited up his crew of 318, who were raised in his crib, and set out after them.
And when Abram heard that his brother was taken captive, he armed his trained {servants}, born in his own house, three hundred and eighteen, and pursued {them} unto Dan. {armed: or, led forth} {trained: or, instructed}
He split his crew up at night and went hard on them, chasing them to Hobah, near Damascus.
And he divided himself against them, he and his servants, by night, and smote them, and pursued them unto Hobah, which {is} on the left hand of Damascus.
He came back with all the loot, plus his bro Lot and his stuff, along with the women and people.
And he brought back all the goods, and also brought again his brother Lot, and his goods, and the women also, and the people.
After the whole Chedorlaomer thing went down, the king of Sodom rolled out to meet him in the king’s valley.
And the king of Sodom went out to meet him after his return from the slaughter of Chedorlaomer, and of the kings that {were} with him, at the valley of Shaveh, which {is} the king's dale.
Melchizedek, king of Salem, showed up with bread and wine; he was the priest of the Most High God.
And Melchizedek king of Salem brought forth bread and wine: and he {was} the priest of the most high God.
He blessed Abram, saying, “Yo, blessed be Abram of the Most High God, owner of heaven and earth.”
And he blessed him, and said, Blessed {be} Abram of the most high God, possessor of heaven and earth:
And blessed be the Most High God, who handed your enemies over to you. He gave Abram a vibe check with tithes from everything.
And blessed be the most high God, which hath delivered thine enemies into thy hand. And he gave him tithes of all.
The king of Sodom was like, "Yo Abram, just give me the people, you can keep the loot."
And the king of Sodom said unto Abram, Give me the persons, and take the goods to thyself. {persons: Heb. souls}
Abram clapped back, "I’m vibing with the Most High God, who’s holding down the whole universe."
And Abram said to the king of Sodom, I have lift up mine hand unto the LORD, the most high God, the possessor of heaven and earth,
"Ain’t taking a single thing from you, not even a shoelace, so you can't flex saying you made me rich."
That I will not {take} from a thread even to a shoelatchet, and that I will not take any thing that {is} thine, lest thou shouldest say, I have made Abram rich:
"Just what my crew ate and what my homies Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre get, they can grab their cut."
Save only that which the young men have eaten, and the portion of the men which went with me, Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre; let them take their portion.