Acts Chapter 23
So Paul was like, "Yo fam, I’ve been vibin’ with a clean conscience in front of God, no cap."
And Paul, earnestly beholding the council, said, Men {and} brethren, I have lived in all good conscience before God until this day.
Ananias, the high priest, was savage and had his crew smack Paul right in the mouth.
And the high priest Ananias commanded them that stood by him to smite him on the mouth.
Paul shot back, "God's gonna smack you, you fake wall: you think you can judge me and tell me to get knocked when that’s sus?"
Then said Paul unto him, God shall smite thee, {thou} whited wall: for sittest thou to judge me after the law, and commandest me to be smitten contrary to the law?
The squad around him was like, "You dissing God’s high priest?"
And they that stood by said, Revilest thou God's high priest?
Paul was like, "My bad, I didn’t realize he was the high priest: it’s written, don’t trash talk about your people’s leaders."
Then said Paul, I wist not, brethren, that he was the high priest: for it is written, Thou shalt not speak evil of the ruler of thy people.
Paul noticed that some were Sadducees and some were Pharisees, so he piped up, "Yo, I’m a Pharisee, son of a Pharisee: I’m here for the hope and resurrection vibes."
But when Paul perceived that the one part were Sadducees, and the other Pharisees, he cried out in the council, Men {and} brethren, I am a Pharisee, the son of a Pharisee: of the hope and resurrection of the dead I am called in question.
Once he said that, chaos erupted between the Pharisees and Sadducees, and the crowd was hella divided.
And when he had so said, there arose a dissension between the Pharisees and the Sadducees: and the multitude was divided.
The Sadducees were like, "No resurrection, no angels, no spirits," while the Pharisees were down for both.
For the Sadducees say that there is no resurrection, neither angel, nor spirit: but the Pharisees confess both.
Then a loud shout went up: the Pharisee scribes were like, "We see no evil in this dude; if a spirit or angel spoke to him, let’s not go against God."
And there arose a great cry: and the scribes {that were} of the Pharisees' part arose, and strove, saying, We find no evil in this man: but if a spirit or an angel hath spoken to him, let us not fight against God.
When things got heated, the chief captain got worried Paul might get wrecked, so he told the soldiers to swoop in and pull him out, bringing him to the castle.
And when there arose a great dissension, the chief captain, fearing lest Paul should have been pulled in pieces of them, commanded the soldiers to go down, and to take him by force from among them, and to bring {him} into the castle.
That night, the Lord rolled up to Paul and said, "Stay vibin', fam: just like you stood up for me in Jerusalem, you gotta do the same in Rome, no cap."
And the night following the Lord stood by him, and said, Be of good cheer, Paul: for as thou hast testified of me in Jerusalem, so must thou bear witness also at Rome.
When morning rolled around, some Jews teamed up and placed a savage curse on themselves, claiming they wouldn’t eat or drink until they took Paul out.
And when it was day, certain of the Jews banded together, and bound themselves under a curse, saying that they would neither eat nor drink till they had killed Paul. {under a curse: or, with an oath of execration}
There were over forty of them plotting this whole scheme, fr.
And they were more than forty which had made this conspiracy.
They went to the chief priests and elders, saying, "We’ve cursed ourselves hard, we won’t eat anything until we deal with Paul."
And they came to the chief priests and elders, and said, We have bound ourselves under a great curse, that we will eat nothing until we have slain Paul.
So you guys need to hit up the chief captain and tell him to bring Paul down tomorrow, acting like you wanna ask him some more questions, while we’re ready to pop off on him.
Now therefore ye with the council signify to the chief captain that he bring him down unto you to morrow, as though ye would enquire something more perfectly concerning him: and we, or ever he come near, are ready to kill him.
When Paul's sister's son caught wind of their shady plan, he went straight to the castle and told Paul, no cap.
And when Paul's sister's son heard of their lying in wait, he went and entered into the castle, and told Paul.
Paul called one of the centurions over and said, "Yo, bring this young dude to the chief captain; he’s got some tea to spill."
Then Paul called one of the centurions unto {him}, and said, Bring this young man unto the chief captain: for he hath a certain thing to tell him.
So the centurion took him and brought him to the chief captain, saying, "Paul the prisoner called for me and asked me to bring this young man to you; he’s got something to say."
So he took him, and brought {him} to the chief captain, and said, Paul the prisoner called me unto {him}, and prayed me to bring this young man unto thee, who hath something to say unto thee.
The chief captain took him aside and asked, "What’s the scoop you got for me?"
Then the chief captain took him by the hand, and went {with him} aside privately, and asked {him}, What is that thou hast to tell me?
He said, "The Jews are lowkey asking you to bring Paul down tomorrow to the council, acting like they want to ask him more questions."
And he said, The Jews have agreed to desire thee that thou wouldest bring down Paul to morrow into the council, as though they would enquire somewhat of him more perfectly.
But don’t give in to them, fam: they got over forty peeps ready to pop off, swearin’ they won’t eat or drink till they take him out. They’re just waiting for you to make a move, no cap.
But do not thou yield unto them: for there lie in wait for him of them more than forty men, which have bound themselves with an oath, that they will neither eat nor drink till they have killed him: and now are they ready, looking for a promise from thee.
So the chief captain was like, "Aight, you can bounce," and told him, "Just don’t spill the tea about what we discussed, fr."
So the chief captain {then} let the young man depart, and charged {him, See thou} tell no man that thou hast shewed these things to me.
He called up two centurions, saying, "Get two hundred soldiers ready to roll to Caesarea, plus seventy horsemen and two hundred spearmen, at the third hour of the night; that’s the vibe."
And he called unto {him} two centurions, saying, Make ready two hundred soldiers to go to Caesarea, and horsemen threescore and ten, and spearmen two hundred, at the third hour of the night;
And grab some animals so they can get Paul on one and bring him safely to Felix, the governor, you feel?
And provide {them} beasts, that they may set Paul on, and bring {him} safe unto Felix the governor.
And he penned a letter that went like this:
And he wrote a letter after this manner:
Claudius Lysias to the most excellent governor Felix, what’s good?
Claudius Lysias unto the most excellent governor Felix {sendeth} greeting.
This dude was grabbed by the Jews, and they were about to take him out: then I rolled in with my squad and saved him, knowing he was a Roman, periodt.
This man was taken of the Jews, and should have been killed of them: then came I with an army, and rescued him, having understood that he was a Roman.
When I wanted to figure out what they were accusing him of, I brought him to their council, no cap.
And when I would have known the cause wherefore they accused him, I brought him forth into their council:
I saw he was being accused of their law stuff, but there was nothing on him that deserved death or chains, fr.
Whom I perceived to be accused of questions of their law, but to have nothing laid to his charge worthy of death or of bonds.
And when I heard the Jews were waiting to get him, I sent you this ASAP and told his accusers to spill the tea on what they had against him. Peace out.
And when it was told me how that the Jews laid wait for the man, I sent straightway to thee, and gave commandment to his accusers also to say before thee what {they had} against him. Farewell.
So the soldiers, following orders, scooped up Paul and bounced him to Antipatris at night.
Then the soldiers, as it was commanded them, took Paul, and brought {him} by night to Antipatris.
The next day, they let the horse squad roll with him and headed back to the castle.
On the morrow they left the horsemen to go with him, and returned to the castle:
When they hit Caesarea, they dropped off the letter to the governor and showed Paul to him too.
Who, when they came to Caesarea, and delivered the epistle to the governor, presented Paul also before him.
After the governor peeped the letter, he was like, "What province you reppin'?" Once he figured out Paul was from Cilicia,
And when the governor had read {the letter}, he asked of what province he was. And when he understood that {he was} of Cilicia;
he said, "I’ll listen to you when your haters show up." Then he had Paul chillin' in Herod’s judgment hall.
I will hear thee, said he, when thine accusers are also come. And he commanded him to be kept in Herod's judgment hall.