Acts Chapter 12
So like, Herod the king was trying to mess with some folks in the church, no cap.
Now about that time Herod the king stretched forth {his} hands to vex certain of the church. {stretched...: or, began}
He straight up took out James, who was John's brother, with a sword. That’s savage.
And he killed James the brother of John with the sword.
When he peeped that it made the Jews hype, he was like, "Bet, let’s scoop up Peter too." (It was feast time, just saying.)
And because he saw it pleased the Jews, he proceeded further to take Peter also. (Then were the days of unleavened bread.)
He snatched Peter and tossed him in jail, with four squads of soldiers on lookout, planning to show him off after Easter.
And when he had apprehended him, he put {him} in prison, and delivered {him} to four quaternions of soldiers to keep him; intending after Easter to bring him forth to the people. {Easter: Gr. Passover} {quaternions: a file of four soldiers}
Peter was locked up, but the church was praying hard for him, like, 24/7.
Peter therefore was kept in prison: but prayer was made without ceasing of the church unto God for him. {prayer...: or, instant and earnest prayer was made}
The night before Herod was gonna bring him out, Peter was chilling between two soldiers, all chained up, while guards were posted at the door.
And when Herod would have brought him forth, the same night Peter was sleeping between two soldiers, bound with two chains: and the keepers before the door kept the prison.
Then, boom! An angel popped in and lit up the scene, poked Peter, and said, "Get up quick!" His chains just fell off.
And, behold, the angel of the Lord came upon {him}, and a light shined in the prison: and he smote Peter on the side, and raised him up, saying, Arise up quickly. And his chains fell off from {his} hands.
The angel was like, "Put your shoes on, fam." So Peter did. Then the angel told him, "Wrap your cloak and follow me."
And the angel said unto him, Gird thyself, and bind on thy sandals. And so he did. And he saith unto him, Cast thy garment about thee, and follow me.
Peter bounced, not even realizing this was legit and not just a dream.
And he went out, and followed him; and wist not that it was true which was done by the angel; but thought he saw a vision.
They passed the first two guards and hit this iron gate that opened itself, so they cruised through one street, then the angel dipped.
When they were past the first and the second ward, they came unto the iron gate that leadeth unto the city; which opened to them of his own accord: and they went out, and passed on through one street; and forthwith the angel departed from him.
Once Peter finally got it together, he was like, "For real, God sent an angel and got me outta Herod’s grip and the Jews' drama."
And when Peter was come to himself, he said, Now I know of a surety, that the Lord hath sent his angel, and hath delivered me out of the hand of Herod, and {from} all the expectation of the people of the Jews.
After thinking it over, he went to Mary’s crib, John’s mom (aka Mark’s mom), where everyone was praying together.
And when he had considered {the thing}, he came to the house of Mary the mother of John, whose surname was Mark; where many were gathered together praying.
Peter knocked on the gate, and a girl named Rhoda came to check it out.
And as Peter knocked at the door of the gate, a damsel came to hearken, named Rhoda. {to hearken: or, to ask who was there}
When she recognized Peter’s voice, she got so hyped that she didn’t open the gate but ran inside to tell everyone he was out there.
And when she knew Peter's voice, she opened not the gate for gladness, but ran in, and told how Peter stood before the gate.
They were like, "You trippin'." But she kept saying it was real. Then they were like, "It's probably his angel."
And they said unto her, Thou art mad. But she constantly affirmed that it was even so. Then said they, It is his angel.
Peter kept knocking, and when they finally opened the door and saw him, they were shook.
But Peter continued knocking: and when they had opened {the door}, and saw him, they were astonished.
He was like, "Chill out," and told them how God got him outta jail. Then he said, "Go tell James and the crew," and bounced to another spot.
But he, beckoning unto them with the hand to hold their peace, declared unto them how the Lord had brought him out of the prison. And he said, Go shew these things unto James, and to the brethren. And he departed, and went into another place.
As soon as it was morning, the soldiers were losing it, trying to figure out where Peter went.
Now as soon as it was day, there was no small stir among the soldiers, what was become of Peter.
When Herod couldn’t find him, he questioned the guards and said they should be put to death. Then he dipped to Caesarea to chill.
And when Herod had sought for him, and found him not, he examined the keepers, and commanded that {they} should be put to death. And he went down from Judaea to Caesarea, and {there} abode.
Herod was salty at the peeps from Tyre and Sidon, but they came through and befriended his assistant, hoping for peace since they depended on his land.
And Herod was highly displeased with them of Tyre and Sidon: but they came with one accord to him, and, having made Blastus the king's chamberlain their friend, desired peace; because their country was nourished by the king's {country}. {was highly...: or, bare an hostile mind, intending war} {the king's chamberlain: Gr. that was over the king's bedchamber}
On a set day, Herod showed up in his royal drip, sat on his throne, and gave a speech.
And upon a set day Herod, arrayed in royal apparel, sat upon his throne, and made an oration unto them.
The crowd was hyped, shouting, "It's the voice of a god, not a dude!"
And the people gave a shout, {saying, It is} the voice of a god, and not of a man.
But then, the angel of the Lord smote him for not giving God the glory, and he got eaten by worms and died.
And immediately the angel of the Lord smote him, because he gave not God the glory: and he was eaten of worms, and gave up the ghost.
But the word of God just kept growing and spreading, for real.
But the word of God grew and multiplied.
Barnabas and Saul rolled back from Jerusalem after doing their thing, and they brought John (aka Mark) with them.
And Barnabas and Saul returned from Jerusalem, when they had fulfilled {their} ministry, and took with them John, whose surname was Mark. {ministry: or, charge}