Matthew Chapter 17
So after six days, Jesus grabbed Peter, James, and his dude John and climbed up this gnarly mountain, just the crew.
And after six days Jesus taketh Peter, James, and John his brother, and bringeth them up into an high mountain apart,
God literally went full glow mode in front of them; his face was shining bright like the sun, and his fit was pure light vibes.
And was transfigured before them: and his face did shine as the sun, and his raiment was white as the light.
And outta nowhere, Moses and Elijah showed up, vibing and talking with him.
And, behold, there appeared unto them Moses and Elias talking with him.
Peter was like, "Yo, Jesus, this is epic! Let’s set up three hangout spots—one for you, one for Moses, and one for Elijah."
Then answered Peter, and said unto Jesus, Lord, it is good for us to be here: if thou wilt, let us make here three tabernacles; one for thee, and one for Moses, and one for Elias.
While he was still chatting, a dope cloud rolled in, and a voice from the cloud said, "This is my incredible Son, I’m so hyped about him; pay attention!"
While he yet spake, behold, a bright cloud overshadowed them: and behold a voice out of the cloud, which said, This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased; hear ye him.
When the disciples peeped this, they straight-up hit the ground, shook and freaked out.
And when the disciples heard {it}, they fell on their face, and were sore afraid.
Jesus walked over, touched them, and was like, "Get up, fam, no need to be shook."
And Jesus came and touched them, and said, Arise, and be not afraid.
When they looked up, it was just Jesus, no one else around.
And when they had lifted up their eyes, they saw no man, save Jesus only.
As they were coming down the mountain, Jesus was like, "Don’t spill the tea about this until I come back to life."
And as they came down from the mountain, Jesus charged them, saying, Tell the vision to no man, until the Son of man be risen again from the dead.
The disciples were like, "So, why do the scribes say Elijah’s supposed to show up first?"
And his disciples asked him, saying, Why then say the scribes that Elias must first come?
Jesus was like, "For real, Elijah’s gotta come first and set things right. That’s the vibe."
And Jesus answered and said unto them, Elias truly shall first come, and restore all things.
But I’m telling you, Elijah’s already been here, and they didn’t even recognize him; they just did what they wanted. Same’s gonna happen to the Son of Man.
But I say unto you, That Elias is come already, and they knew him not, but have done unto him whatsoever they listed. Likewise shall also the Son of man suffer of them.
Then the crew figured out he was talking about John the Baptist, no cap.
Then the disciples understood that he spake unto them of John the Baptist.
When they hit the crowd, a dude came up, kneeling and saying,
And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a {certain} man, kneeling down to him, and saying,
"Lord, please help my son! He’s wildin’ out and always in a bad spot; he keeps falling into fire and water, it’s sus."
Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
"I brought him to your boys, but they couldn’t help him."
And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
Jesus said, "Oof, this generation is so faithless and wild. How long am I gonna deal with y’all? Just bring him over here."
Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
Jesus told the demon to dip, and it left; the kid got healed right then and there, lit!
And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
Later, the disciples pulled Jesus aside and asked, "Why couldn’t we kick it out?"
Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
Jesus replied, "It’s 'cause y'all don’t have enough faith. For real, if you had faith like a mustard seed, you could tell this mountain to move, and it would. Nothing's impossible for you, periodt."
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
But this situation ain't leaving without some prayer and fasting, no cap.
Howbeit this kind goeth not out but by prayer and fasting.
While they were chilling in Galilee, Jesus was like, "The Son of Man's about to get betrayed, fam."
And while they abode in Galilee, Jesus said unto them, The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men:
They’re gonna kill him, but on the third day, he’s coming back, fr. They were pretty bummed about it.
And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again. And they were exceeding sorry.
When they showed up in Capernaum, the tax collectors asked Peter, "Does your guy pay taxes?"
And when they were come to Capernaum, they that received tribute {money} came to Peter, and said, Doth not your master pay tribute? {tribute: called in the original, didrachma, being in value fifteen pence sterling; about thirty seven cents}
He was like, "Yeah." But when he got home, Jesus hit him with, "Yo, Simon, who do kings collect taxes from? Their kids or outsiders?"
He saith, Yes. And when he was come into the house, Jesus prevented him, saying, What thinkest thou, Simon? of whom do the kings of the earth take custom or tribute? of their own children, or of strangers?
Peter said, "Outsiders." Jesus replied, "So the kids are free then, no cap."
Peter saith unto him, Of strangers. Jesus saith unto him, Then are the children free.
But to keep things chill, hit the sea, toss in a hook, and catch the first fish. When you check its mouth, you’ll find cash; take that and pay them for us.
Notwithstanding, lest we should offend them, go thou to the sea, and cast an hook, and take up the fish that first cometh up; and when thou hast opened his mouth, thou shalt find a piece of money: that take, and give unto them for me and thee. {a piece...: or, a stater: it is half an ounce of silver, in value two shillings and six pence, sterling; about fifty five cents}