Judges Chapter 3
These are the nations the Lord left behind to test Israel, since there were those who had no clue about the battles in Canaan, no cap.
Now these {are} the nations which the LORD left, to prove Israel by them, {even} as many {of Israel} as had not known all the wars of Canaan;
This was so the Israelites could catch a vibe about warfare, especially those who were straight-up lost before, fr.
Only that the generations of the children of Israel might know, to teach them war, at the least such as before knew nothing thereof;
For real, there were five powerhouses from the Philistines, plus all the Canaanites, Sidonians, and Hivites just chilling around mount Lebanon, spanning from Baal-hermon to Hamath, vibes.
{Namely}, five lords of the Philistines, and all the Canaanites, and the Sidonians, and the Hivites that dwelt in mount Lebanon, from mount Baalhermon unto the entering in of Hamath.
They were meant to test Israel, checking if they’d follow the Lord's commands, which He gave to their forefathers via Moses, periodt.
And they were to prove Israel by them, to know whether they would hearken unto the commandments of the LORD, which he commanded their fathers by the hand of Moses.
The kids of Israel were vibing among the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites, savage.
And the children of Israel dwelt among the Canaanites, Hittites, and Amorites, and Perizzites, and Hivites, and Jebusites:
They started taking their daughters as wifeys, giving their own daughters to those boys, and worshipping their gods, bussin’.
And they took their daughters to be their wives, and gave their daughters to their sons, and served their gods.
The Israelites did some wild stuff in the Lord's sight, forgot Him, and ended up worshipping Baalim and the groves, sus.
And the children of Israel did evil in the sight of the LORD, and forgat the LORD their God, and served Baalim and the groves.
This made the Lord furious with Israel, so He handed them over to Chushan-rishathaim, the king of Mesopotamia; they served him for a solid eight years, lit.
Therefore the anger of the LORD was hot against Israel, and he sold them into the hand of Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia: and the children of Israel served Chushanrishathaim eight years. {Mesopotamia: Heb. Aramnaharaim}
When the Israelites cried out to the Lord, He raised up a savior, Othniel, who was Caleb's younger brother, and he saved them, bet.
And when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised up a deliverer to the children of Israel, who delivered them, {even} Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother. {deliverer: Heb. saviour}
The Spirit of the Lord came upon him, and he judged Israel, went to battle, and the Lord delivered Chushan-rishathaim into his hands; he absolutely crushed it, no cap.
And the Spirit of the LORD came upon him, and he judged Israel, and went out to war: and the LORD delivered Chushanrishathaim king of Mesopotamia into his hand; and his hand prevailed against Chushanrishathaim. {came: Heb. was} {Mesopotamia: Heb. Aram}
The land was all chill for forty years, then Othniel, son of Kenaz, passed away.
And the land had rest forty years. And Othniel the son of Kenaz died.
After that, the Israelites returned to being sus in God's eyes, so God gave Eglon, the king of Moab, some mad power against them.
And the children of Israel did evil again in the sight of the LORD: and the LORD strengthened Eglon the king of Moab against Israel, because they had done evil in the sight of the LORD.
He called up the Ammonites and Amalekites, went off on Israel, and took over the city of palm trees.
And he gathered unto him the children of Ammon and Amalek, and went and smote Israel, and possessed the city of palm trees.
The Israelites ended up serving Eglon, king of Moab, for eighteen long years.
So the children of Israel served Eglon the king of Moab eighteen years.
But when they cried out to God, He sent them a savage hero, Ehud, the left-handed Benjamite, who brought gifts to Eglon, the Moab king.
But when the children of Israel cried unto the LORD, the LORD raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab. {a Benjamite: or, the son of Jemini} {lefthanded: Heb. shut of his right hand}
Ehud crafted a sick dagger, double-edged and about a cubit long, and tucked it under his clothes on his right thigh.
But Ehud made him a dagger which had two edges, of a cubit length; and he did gird it under his raiment upon his right thigh.
He brought the gifts to Eglon, who was a super hefty guy.
And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon {was} a very fat man.
After handing over the gifts, he sent the gift-bearers away.
And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present.
But he sneaked back from the quarries near Gilgal and said, "Yo, I got a secret for you, king." Eglon told everyone to chill, and they all bounced.
But he himself turned again from the quarries that {were} by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him. {quarries: or, graven images}
Ehud walked up while Eglon was chilling in his private summer lounge, and said, "I have a message from God for you." Eglon stood up from his seat.
And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of {his} seat. {a summer...: Heb. a parlour of cooling}
Ehud straight-up used his left hand, pulled the dagger from his right thigh, and stabbed it right into his belly, no cap.
And Ehud put forth his left hand, and took the dagger from his right thigh, and thrust it into his belly:
The handle went in too, and the fat just swallowed the blade, so he couldn’t pull it out; it was a whole disaster.
And the haft also went in after the blade; and the fat closed upon the blade, so that he could not draw the dagger out of his belly; and the dirt came out. {the dirt...: or, it came out at the buttocks}
Then Ehud snuck out through the porch, closed the doors to the chill spot, and locked them up tight.
Then Ehud went forth through the porch, and shut the doors of the parlour upon him, and locked them.
When he dipped, his crew showed up; seeing the locked doors, they were like, “He’s just chilling, probably taking a nap.”
When he was gone out, his servants came; and when they saw that, behold, the doors of the parlour {were} locked, they said, Surely he covereth his feet in his summer chamber. {covereth...: or, doeth his easement}
They waited until it felt kinda awkward, and since he didn’t open the doors, they grabbed a key and opened it; then they found their dude was flat out dead.
And they tarried till they were ashamed: and, behold, he opened not the doors of the parlour; therefore they took a key, and opened {them}: and, behold, their lord {was} fallen down dead on the earth.
Ehud slipped away while they were waiting and made it past the quarries, escaping to Seirath.
And Ehud escaped while they tarried, and passed beyond the quarries, and escaped unto Seirath.
Once he got there, he blew the trumpet on Ephraim's mountain, and the Israelites rolled down with him leading the charge.
And it came to pass, when he was come, that he blew a trumpet in the mountain of Ephraim, and the children of Israel went down with him from the mount, and he before them.
He was like, “Follow me, fam! The Lord just served you the Moabites.” They chased after him and took the Jordan crossings, not letting anyone through.
And he said unto them, Follow after me: for the LORD hath delivered your enemies the Moabites into your hand. And they went down after him, and took the fords of Jordan toward Moab, and suffered not a man to pass over.
They wiped out about ten thousand Moabites that day, all fit and fierce; nobody made it out alive.
And they slew of Moab at that time about ten thousand men, all lusty, and all men of valour; and there escaped not a man. {lusty: Heb. fat}
So that day, Moab got wrecked under Israel’s hand, and the land was chill for eighty years.
So Moab was subdued that day under the hand of Israel. And the land had rest fourscore years.
Then there’s Shamgar, Anath's kid, who took out 600 Philistines with just an ox goad. He was a total legend for Israel, no cap.
And after him was Shamgar the son of Anath, which slew of the Philistines six hundred men with an ox goad: and he also delivered Israel.