Judges Chapter 15
So, like, after a minute, during the wheat harvest, Samson showed up to his wifey with a goat; he was like, "I wanna catch up with my girl." But her pops was like, "Nah fam, you can’t roll in here."
But it came to pass within a while after, in the time of wheat harvest, that Samson visited his wife with a kid; and he said, I will go in to my wife into the chamber. But her father would not suffer him to go in.
Her pops was all, "I thought you were totally done with her; so I hooked her up with your boy. Isn’t her younger sis more fire? Just vibe with her instead, fr."
And her father said, I verily thought that thou hadst utterly hated her; therefore I gave her to thy companion: {is} not her younger sister fairer than she? take her, I pray thee, instead of her. {take...: Heb. let her be thine}
Samson was like, "Now I’m about to be less sus than the Philistines, even if I’m feeling some type of way about them."
And Samson said concerning them, Now shall I be more blameless than the Philistines, though I do them a displeasure. {more...: or, blameless from the Philistines though, etc}
So Samson went and snagged 300 foxes, lit them up with torches, and tied them tail to tail, shoving a torch between two tails.
And Samson went and caught three hundred foxes, and took firebrands, and turned tail to tail, and put a firebrand in the midst between two tails. {firebrands: or, torches}
After he set the torches on fire, he let them loose into the Philistines' fields, setting their harvests, vineyards, and olives ablaze.
And when he had set the brands on fire, he let {them} go into the standing corn of the Philistines, and burnt up both the shocks, and also the standing corn, with the vineyards {and} olives.
The Philistines were like, "Who pulled this off?" They found out it was Samson, the Timnite’s son-in-law, 'cause he swiped his wife and gave her to his homie. So they showed up and roasted her and her dad.
Then the Philistines said, Who hath done this? And they answered, Samson, the son in law of the Timnite, because he had taken his wife, and given her to his companion. And the Philistines came up, and burnt her and her father with fire.
Samson told them, "Even though you did that, I’m still coming for my revenge on you, and then I’ll be done."
And Samson said unto them, Though ye have done this, yet will I be avenged of you, and after that I will cease.
He wrecked them hard, then dipped down and chilled on top of the rock Etam.
And he smote them hip and thigh with a great slaughter: and he went down and dwelt in the top of the rock Etam.
Then the Philistines rolled up, set up shop in Judah, and spread out in Lehi.
Then the Philistines went up, and pitched in Judah, and spread themselves in Lehi.
The guys from Judah were like, "Why you coming at us?" They replied, "We’re here to tie up Samson and do him dirty like he did to us."
And the men of Judah said, Why are ye come up against us? And they answered, To bind Samson are we come up, to do to him as he hath done to us.
So, 3,000 dudes from Judah hit the top of the rock Etam, and said to Samson, "You know the Philistines are the bosses now, right? What’s up with what you did?" He was like, "I did to them what they did to me."
Then three thousand men of Judah went to the top of the rock Etam, and said to Samson, Knowest thou not that the Philistines {are} rulers over us? what {is} this {that} thou hast done unto us? And he said unto them, As they did unto me, so have I done unto them. {went: Heb. went down}
They told him, "We came to tie you up and hand you over to the Philistines." Samson said, "Promise me you won’t jump me yourselves."
And they said unto him, We are come down to bind thee, that we may deliver thee into the hand of the Philistines. And Samson said unto them, Swear unto me, that ye will not fall upon me yourselves.
They were like, "Nah, we’ll just tie you up and deliver you to them, but we won’t off you." So they bound him with two fresh cords and took him up from the rock.
And they spake unto him, saying, No; but we will bind thee fast, and deliver thee into their hand: but surely we will not kill thee. And they bound him with two new cords, and brought him up from the rock.
When he hit Lehi, the Philistines yelled at him, but the Spirit of the Lord hit him hard, and the cords on his arms were like burnt flax, and he broke free.
{And} when he came unto Lehi, the Philistines shouted against him: and the Spirit of the LORD came mightily upon him, and the cords that {were} upon his arms became as flax that was burnt with fire, and his bands loosed from off his hands. {loosed: Heb. were melted}
He found a fresh donkey’s jawbone, snatched it, and took out a thousand dudes with it.
And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith. {new: Heb. moist}
Samson was like, "With this jawbone, I’ve stacked bodies on bodies, I just wiped out a thousand men."
And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men. {heaps upon...: Heb. an heap, two heaps}
Once he finished his rant, he tossed the jawbone aside and named that place Ramath–lehi.
And it came to pass, when he had made an end of speaking, that he cast away the jawbone out of his hand, and called that place Ramathlehi. {Ramathlehi: that is, the lifting up of the jawbone, or, casting away of the jawbone}
He was mad thirsty and called out to the Lord, saying, "You gave me this dope win, but am I gonna die of thirst and fall into the hands of these uncircumcised peeps?"
And he was sore athirst, and called on the LORD, and said, Thou hast given this great deliverance into the hand of thy servant: and now shall I die for thirst, and fall into the hand of the uncircumcised?
But God made a cool spot in the jawbone, and water flowed out; after he drank, he felt revived, so he named it En–hakkore, and it’s still there in Lehi today.
But God clave an hollow place that {was} in the jaw, and there came water thereout; and when he had drunk, his spirit came again, and he revived: wherefore he called the name thereof Enhakkore, which {is} in Lehi unto this day. {Enhakkore: that is, the well of him that called or, cried} {the jaw: or, Lehi, as called in this chapter}
And he judged Israel for twenty years during the Philistine era.
And he judged Israel in the days of the Philistines twenty years.