Judges Chapter 1
So after Joshua was out, the Israelites hit up the Lord, asking, “Who’s gonna throw down against the Canaanites first?”
Now after the death of Joshua it came to pass, that the children of Israel asked the LORD, saying, Who shall go up for us against the Canaanites first, to fight against them?
The Lord was like, “Judah’s got this; I’ve already handed the land over to him.”
And the LORD said, Judah shall go up: behold, I have delivered the land into his hand.
Judah turned to his dude Simeon, saying, “Yo, let’s roll to battle against the Canaanites, and I’ll have your back too.” Simeon replied, “Bet,” and joined him.
And Judah said unto Simeon his brother, Come up with me into my lot, that we may fight against the Canaanites; and I likewise will go with thee into thy lot. So Simeon went with him.
Judah stepped up, and the Lord delivered the Canaanites and Perizzites into their hands; they took out ten thousand in Bezek.
And Judah went up; and the LORD delivered the Canaanites and the Perizzites into their hand: and they slew of them in Bezek ten thousand men.
They peeped Adoni-bezek chilling in Bezek, and they threw down against him, eliminating the Canaanites and Perizzites.
And they found Adonibezek in Bezek: and they fought against him, and they slew the Canaanites and the Perizzites.
But Adoni-bezek dipped; they chased him, caught him, and chopped off his thumbs and big toes.
But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.
Adoni-bezek said, “I had 70 kings under my table missing their thumbs and toes; I got what was coming to me.” Then they brought him to Jerusalem, where he met his end.
And Adonibezek said, Threescore and ten kings, having their thumbs and their great toes cut off, gathered {their meat} under my table: as I have done, so God hath requited me. And they brought him to Jerusalem, and there he died. {their thumbs...: Heb. the thumbs of their hands and of their feet} {gathered: or, gleaned}
The tribe of Judah rolled up on Jerusalem, took it over, and lit it up with the sword.
Now the children of Judah had fought against Jerusalem, and had taken it, and smitten it with the edge of the sword, and set the city on fire.
Later, Judah’s crew went down to fight the Canaanites hanging in the mountains to the south and in the valley.
And afterward the children of Judah went down to fight against the Canaanites, that dwelt in the mountain, and in the south, and in the valley. {valley: or, low country}
Judah pursued the Canaanites in Hebron (formerly known as Kirjath-arba) and took out Sheshai, Ahiman, and Talmai.
And Judah went against the Canaanites that dwelt in Hebron: (now the name of Hebron before {was} Kirjatharba:) and they slew Sheshai, and Ahiman, and Talmai.
Then he pulled up on Debir's crew, which used to be called Kirjath-sepher, no cap.
And from thence he went against the inhabitants of Debir: and the name of Debir before {was} Kirjathsepher:
Caleb was like, "Whoever takes Kirjath-sepher, I’ll hook them up with my daughter Achsah, real talk."
And Caleb said, He that smiteth Kirjathsepher, and taketh it, to him will I give Achsah my daughter to wife.
Othniel, Caleb’s little bro, snagged it, and he got Achsah to be his wifey.
And Othniel the son of Kenaz, Caleb's younger brother, took it: and he gave him Achsah his daughter to wife.
When she showed up, she made him ask her pops for some land, hopped off her ride, and Caleb was like, "What’s good?"
And it came to pass, when she came {to him}, that she moved him to ask of her father a field: and she lighted from off {her} ass; and Caleb said unto her, What wilt thou?
She responded, "Bless me! You gave me land down south; now I need some water vibes." Caleb hooked her up with the upper and lower springs, lit.
And she said unto him, Give me a blessing: for thou hast given me a south land; give me also springs of water. And Caleb gave her the upper springs and the nether springs.
The Kenite fam, Moses' in-law, dipped from their palm city with Judah’s squad into the wild south of Arad.
And the children of the Kenite, Moses' father in law, went up out of the city of palm trees with the children of Judah into the wilderness of Judah, which {lieth} in the south of Arad; and they went and dwelt among the people.
Judah and his bro Simeon rolled out and annihilated the Canaanites in Zephath, totally wiped it, and named the city Hormah, savage.
And Judah went with Simeon his brother, and they slew the Canaanites that inhabited Zephath, and utterly destroyed it. And the name of the city was called Hormah.
Judah also claimed Gaza, Askelon, and Ekron, with their coastlines, no cap.
Also Judah took Gaza with the coast thereof, and Askelon with the coast thereof, and Ekron with the coast thereof.
The Lord was backing Judah; he kicked out the mountain peeps but couldn’t take the valley crew because they had iron chariots, sus.
And the LORD was with Judah; and he drave out {the inhabitants of} the mountain; but could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley, because they had chariots of iron. {drave...: or, possessed the mountain}
They handed Hebron to Caleb, just like Moses said, and he sent the three Anak sons packing, straight up.
And they gave Hebron unto Caleb, as Moses said: and he expelled thence the three sons of Anak.
The Benjamin crew didn’t kick out the Jebusites in Jerusalem; they ended up vibing together, no cap.
And the children of Benjamin did not drive out the Jebusites that inhabited Jerusalem; but the Jebusites dwell with the children of Benjamin in Jerusalem unto this day.
Joseph’s squad pulled up on Beth-el, and God was totally with them, fr.
And the house of Joseph, they also went up against Bethel: and the LORD {was} with them.
Joseph's crew sent peeps to scope out Beth-el. (It used to be called Luz, just sayin’.)
And the house of Joseph sent to descry Bethel. (Now the name of the city before {was} Luz.)
The spies spotted a dude coming out of the city, and they were like, “Yo, show us the entrance, and we’ll hook you up.”
And the spies saw a man come forth out of the city, and they said unto him, Shew us, we pray thee, the entrance into the city, and we will shew thee mercy.
When he showed them how to get in, they went savage on the city but let the dude and his fam walk free.
And when he shewed them the entrance into the city, they smote the city with the edge of the sword; but they let go the man and all his family.
The guy bounced to the land of the Hittites, built a city, and named it Luz, and it’s still called that today, periodt.
And the man went into the land of the Hittites, and built a city, and called the name thereof Luz: which {is} the name thereof unto this day.
Manasseh didn’t kick out the folks in Beth-shean and its towns, or Taanach and its towns, or the homies in Dor, Ibleam, or Megiddo; Canaanites just vibed there instead.
Neither did Manasseh drive out {the inhabitants of} Bethshean and her towns, nor Taanach and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Dor and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Ibleam and her towns, nor the inhabitants of Megiddo and her towns: but the Canaanites would dwell in that land.
When Israel grew strong, they made the Canaanites pay up, but didn’t fully kick them out, you feel?
And it came to pass, when Israel was strong, that they put the Canaanites to tribute, and did not utterly drive them out.
Ephraim didn’t drive out the Canaanites in Gezer; they just coexisted, no cap.
Neither did Ephraim drive out the Canaanites that dwelt in Gezer; but the Canaanites dwelt in Gezer among them.
Zebulun wasn’t about that life, didn’t kick out the folks in Kitron or Nahalol; the Canaanites were vibing with them and paying tribute.
Neither did Zebulun drive out the inhabitants of Kitron, nor the inhabitants of Nahalol; but the Canaanites dwelt among them, and became tributaries.
Asher wasn't about those vibes, didn't kick out the peeps in Accho, Zidon, Ahlab, Achzib, Helbah, Aphik, or Rehob: sus vibes.
Neither did Asher drive out the inhabitants of Accho, nor the inhabitants of Zidon, nor of Ahlab, nor of Achzib, nor of Helbah, nor of Aphik, nor of Rehob:
The Asherites were just vibing with the Canaanites in the land, 'cause they didn’t drive them out, no cap.
But the Asherites dwelt among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land: for they did not drive them out.
Naphtali also skipped out on kicking out the homies in Beth-shemesh and Beth-anath; they just chilled with the Canaanites, and those in Beth-shemesh and Beth-anath became their tributaries, fr.
Neither did Naphtali drive out the inhabitants of Bethshemesh, nor the inhabitants of Bethanath; but he dwelt among the Canaanites, the inhabitants of the land: nevertheless the inhabitants of Bethshemesh and of Bethanath became tributaries unto them.
The Amorites were savage, pushing the Dan kids into the mountains, not letting them come down into the valley: wild.
And the Amorites forced the children of Dan into the mountain: for they would not suffer them to come down to the valley:
But the Amorites were living it up in mount Heres in Aijalon and Shaalbim; still, the Joseph crew popped off and made them tributaries.
But the Amorites would dwell in mount Heres in Aijalon, and in Shaalbim: yet the hand of the house of Joseph prevailed, so that they became tributaries. {prevailed: Heb. was heavy}
The Amorites' turf stretched from Akrabbim to the rock, and beyond that, it was lit.
And the coast of the Amorites {was} from the going up to Akrabbim, from the rock, and upward. {the going...: or, Maalehacrabbim}