Joshua Chapter 7
So the crew of Israel really messed up with that cursed stuff: Achan from Judah snatched it, and God was like, "Nah, this is straight sus."
But the children of Israel committed a trespass in the accursed thing: for Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, took of the accursed thing: and the anger of the LORD was kindled against the children of Israel. {Achan: also called, Achar} {Zabdi: also called, Zimri}
Then Joshua dispatched some homies from Jericho to scope out Ai, which was by Beth-aven, and said, "Go check it out." They peeped Ai.
And Joshua sent men from Jericho to Ai, which {is} beside Bethaven, on the east side of Bethel, and spake unto them, saying, Go up and view the country. And the men went up and viewed Ai.
They returned to Joshua and said, "No need to send the whole squad; just 2 or 3k will get it done; the crew there is easy work."
And they returned to Joshua, and said unto him, Let not all the people go up; but let about two or three thousand men go up and smite Ai; {and} make not all the people to labour thither; for they {are but} few. {about...: Heb. about two thousand men, or, about three thousand men}
But about 3,000 rolled up, only to bounce hard when Ai came at them.
So there went up thither of the people about three thousand men: and they fled before the men of Ai.
Ai took out around 36 of their squad, chasing them from the gate to Shebarim, and the vibes of the people were totally crushed, like a melted popsicle.
And the men of Ai smote of them about thirty and six men: for they chased them {from} before the gate {even} unto Shebarim, and smote them in the going down: wherefore the hearts of the people melted, and became as water. {in...: or, in Morad}
Joshua ripped his clothes and fell on his face in front of the Lord's ark until evening, along with the elders of Israel, throwing dust on their heads.
And Joshua rent his clothes, and fell to the earth upon his face before the ark of the LORD until the eventide, he and the elders of Israel, and put dust upon their heads.
Joshua was like, "Yo, God, why’d you bring us across the Jordan just to get wrecked by the Amorites? Wish we stayed on the other side, no cap."
And Joshua said, Alas, O Lord GOD, wherefore hast thou at all brought this people over Jordan, to deliver us into the hand of the Amorites, to destroy us? would to God we had been content, and dwelt on the other side Jordan!
"God, what do I even say when Israel bounces back against their enemies?"
O Lord, what shall I say, when Israel turneth their backs before their enemies! {backs: Heb. necks}
"The Canaanites and everyone in the land are gonna hear about this, surround us, and erase our name. What’s the play for Your great name?"
For the Canaanites and all the inhabitants of the land shall hear {of it}, and shall environ us round, and cut off our name from the earth: and what wilt thou do unto thy great name?
And the Lord told Joshua, "Get up; why you lying around like that?"
And the LORD said unto Joshua, Get thee up; wherefore liest thou thus upon thy face? {liest: Heb. fallest}
Israel messed up, broke the covenant I made with them. They took some cursed stuff, stole it, and hid it with their own belongings. Seriously sus.
Israel hath sinned, and they have also transgressed my covenant which I commanded them: for they have even taken of the accursed thing, and have also stolen, and dissembled also, and they have put {it} even among their own stuff.
So the children of Israel couldn’t vibe with their enemies and had to bail because they were cursed. No cap, I won't roll with you until you ditch that cursed stuff.
Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, {but} turned {their} backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you.
Yo, get up, purify the people, and tell them to get right for tomorrow. The Lord God of Israel says there’s cursed stuff in your presence, Israel. You can’t stand against your enemies until you get rid of it.
Up, sanctify the people, and say, Sanctify yourselves against to morrow: for thus saith the LORD God of Israel, {There is} an accursed thing in the midst of thee, O Israel: thou canst not stand before thine enemies, until ye take away the accursed thing from among you.
In the morning, you’ll be called by tribes, and the tribe that the Lord chooses will come by families; then the family picked will come by households, and the household will come man by man.
In the morning therefore ye shall be brought according to your tribes: and it shall be, {that} the tribe which the LORD taketh shall come according to the families {thereof}; and the family which the LORD shall take shall come by households; and the household which the LORD shall take shall come man by man.
Whoever gets caught with the cursed items is gonna be lit on fire, them and all their belongings, because they broke the Lord's covenant and acted a fool in Israel.
And it shall be, {that} he that is taken with the accursed thing shall be burnt with fire, he and all that he hath: because he hath transgressed the covenant of the LORD, and because he hath wrought folly in Israel. {folly: or, wickedness}
So Joshua rose early and gathered Israel by tribes; the tribe of Judah was selected.
So Joshua rose up early in the morning, and brought Israel by their tribes; and the tribe of Judah was taken:
He brought the family of Judah and picked the family of the Zarhites, going through them man by man, and Zabdi was chosen.
And he brought the family of Judah; and he took the family of the Zarhites: and he brought the family of the Zarhites man by man; and Zabdi was taken:
He brought his household man by man, and Achan, son of Carmi, son of Zabdi, son of Zerah, from the tribe of Judah, was picked.
And he brought his household man by man; and Achan, the son of Carmi, the son of Zabdi, the son of Zerah, of the tribe of Judah, was taken.
Joshua said to Achan, "Yo, my guy, give glory to the Lord God of Israel, confess what you did, and spill the tea. Don’t keep it from me."
And Joshua said unto Achan, My son, give, I pray thee, glory to the LORD God of Israel, and make confession unto him; and tell me now what thou hast done; hide {it} not from me.
Achan replied to Joshua, "For real, I messed up against the Lord God of Israel, and here’s what went down:"
And Achan answered Joshua, and said, Indeed I have sinned against the LORD God of Israel, and thus and thus have I done:
I spotted this sick Babylonian drip, plus two hundred shekels of silver and a fifty-shekel gold bar, and I was like, "I need that," so I took it; now it’s buried in my tent, with the silver chillin' underneath.
When I saw among the spoils a goodly Babylonish garment, and two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold of fifty shekels weight, then I coveted them, and took them; and, behold, they {are} hid in the earth in the midst of my tent, and the silver under it. {wedge: Heb. tongue}
So Joshua sent the crew, and they dashed to the tent; and, for real, it was all hidden there, with the silver under it.
So Joshua sent messengers, and they ran unto the tent; and, behold, {it was} hid in his tent, and the silver under it.
They pulled everything outta the tent and brought it to Joshua and all the fam of Israel, laying it out before the Lord like, "Check this out."
And they took them out of the midst of the tent, and brought them unto Joshua, and unto all the children of Israel, and laid them out before the LORD. {laid: Heb. poured}
Joshua and the whole crew took Achan, son of Zerah, with the silver, the drip, the gold bar, and all his fam—sons, daughters, oxen, donkeys, sheep, and his tent—and brought them to the valley of Achor.
And Joshua, and all Israel with him, took Achan the son of Zerah, and the silver, and the garment, and the wedge of gold, and his sons, and his daughters, and his oxen, and his asses, and his sheep, and his tent, and all that he had: and they brought them unto the valley of Achor.
Joshua was like, "Why’d you put us in this situation? The Lord’s about to bring the fire on you today." And all Israel went savage, stoning him and then burning it all up afterward.
And Joshua said, Why hast thou troubled us? the LORD shall trouble thee this day. And all Israel stoned him with stones, and burned them with fire, after they had stoned them with stones.
They piled up a massive heap of stones over him, and it’s still there today. The Lord cooled down on His anger, and they named that place The Valley of Achor, and it’s still called that today.
And they raised over him a great heap of stones unto this day. So the LORD turned from the fierceness of his anger. Wherefore the name of that place was called, The valley of Achor, unto this day. {Achor: that is, Trouble}