Job Chapter 2
So there was this day when the sons of God pulled up to kick it with the Lord, and Satan rolled in too, no cap.
Again there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them to present himself before the LORD.
The Lord was like, "What’s good, Satan? Where you been?" And Satan replied, "Just vibin' around the earth, you know how it goes."
And the LORD said unto Satan, From whence comest thou? And Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
Then God literally went, "Have you checked out my dude Job? He’s a straight-up legend who fears God and steers clear of evil. Even after you tried to come for him, he’s still keeping it real."
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that {there is} none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? and still he holdeth fast his integrity, although thou movedst me against him, to destroy him without cause. {to destroy...: Heb. to swallow him up}
Satan shot back, "Nah, it’s all about that life, fam. A dude will go to any lengths to keep breathing."
And Satan answered the LORD, and said, Skin for skin, yea, all that a man hath will he give for his life.
"But if you just mess with his body, he’ll curse you right to your face," he added.
But put forth thine hand now, and touch his bone and his flesh, and he will curse thee to thy face.
The Lord was like, "Bet, he’s yours to mess with, but you can’t take his life."
And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, he {is} in thine hand; but save his life. {but: or, only}
So Satan bounced from the Lord’s presence and hit Job up with some nasty boils from head to toe.
So went Satan forth from the presence of the LORD, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown.
Job picked up a piece of pottery to scrape his skin and plopped down in the ashes, just chillin'.
And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal; and he sat down among the ashes.
Then his wife was like, "You still holding it down? Just curse God and get it over with."
Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? curse God, and die.
But he told her, "You’re sounding like one of those foolish people. What? We’re just gonna take the good from God but not the bad? Job stayed silent about God through all this."
But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.
When Job’s three homies heard about the situation, they showed up from their spots: Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar. They made plans to roll through and comfort him.
Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him.
When they peeped him from afar and didn’t recognize him, they started crying, ripped their clothes, and threw dust in the air like, "This is tough."
And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven.
They just sat with him on the ground for seven days and nights, not saying a word, 'cause they could see he was going through it hard.
So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that {his} grief was very great.