Job Chapter 1
So there was this guy in Uz called Job; he was literally flawless, always vibin' right, had mad respect for God, and dodged all the sus stuff.
There was a man in the land of Uz, whose name {was} Job; and that man was perfect and upright, and one that feared God, and eschewed evil.
He was rocking seven sons and three daughters, no cap.
And there were born unto him seven sons and three daughters.
This dude owned a crew of seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred oxen, and five hundred female donkeys; his household was huge, making him the GOAT of the east.
His substance also was seven thousand sheep, and three thousand camels, and five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses, and a very great household; so that this man was the greatest of all the men of the east. {substance: or, cattle} {household: or, husbandry} {men: Heb. sons}
His sons were always throwing down parties at their crib, calling up their three sisters to hang, feast, and sip with them.
And his sons went and feasted {in their} houses, every one his day; and sent and called for their three sisters to eat and to drink with them.
After the feasting wrapped, Job would rise up early to bless them just in case they messed up and cursed God in their hearts. He kept it real like that all day, every day.
And it was so, when the days of {their} feasting were gone about, that Job sent and sanctified them, and rose up early in the morning, and offered burnt offerings {according} to the number of them all: for Job said, It may be that my sons have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts. Thus did Job continually. {continually: Heb. all the days}
One day, the sons of God came to kick it before the Lord, and guess who pulled up? Satan.
Now there was a day when the sons of God came to present themselves before the LORD, and Satan came also among them. {Satan: Heb. the adversary} {among: Heb. in the midst of}
The Lord hit up Satan, saying, “Where you been at?” And Satan shot back, “Just cruising around the earth, checking things out.”
And the LORD said unto Satan, Whence comest thou? Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it.
Then the Lord was like, “Have you checked out my homie Job? There’s no one like him, totally solid and straight-up, fears God, and steers clear of evil.”
And the LORD said unto Satan, Hast thou considered my servant Job, that {there is} none like him in the earth, a perfect and an upright man, one that feareth God, and escheweth evil? {considered: Heb. set thy heart on}
Satan came back with, “Does Job really vibe with God for no reason?”
Then Satan answered the LORD, and said, Doth Job fear God for nought?
“You’ve put a shield around him, his crib, and everything he owns. You’ve blessed his grind, and he’s thriving in the land.”
Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house, and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the land. {substance: or, cattle}
“But if you mess with all he has, he’ll definitely curse you to your face.”
But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and he will curse thee to thy face. {and he...: Heb. if he curse thee not to thy face}
The Lord responded to Satan, “Bet, everything he has is in your hands; just don’t lay a finger on him.” So Satan dipped from the Lord’s presence.
And the LORD said unto Satan, Behold, all that he hath {is} in thy power; only upon himself put not forth thine hand. So Satan went forth from the presence of the LORD. {power: Heb. hand}
One day, while his kids were vibing and sipping wine at their oldest bro's spot,
And there was a day when his sons and his daughters {were} eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house:
a messenger came to Job and said, “The oxen were plowing, and the donkeys were chilling next to them.”
And there came a messenger unto Job, and said, The oxen were plowing, and the asses feeding beside them:
“Then the Sabeans showed up and jacked them all; they even took out the servants with the sword, and I’m the only one who made it out to tell you.”
And the Sabeans fell {upon them}, and took them away; yea, they have slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee.
While he was still talking, another messenger came and said, “Fire from God dropped down from heaven and torched the sheep and the servants; I’m the only one who survived.”
While he {was} yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The fire of God is fallen from heaven, and hath burned up the sheep, and the servants, and consumed them; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. {The fire...: or, A great fire}
While he was still talking, another dude came through and said, “The Chaldeans formed three squads and rolled up on the camels, taking them away, and wiped out the servants too; I’m the only one left to tell you.”
While he {was} yet speaking, there came also another, and said, The Chaldeans made out three bands, and fell upon the camels, and have carried them away, yea, and slain the servants with the edge of the sword; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. {fell: Heb. rushed}
While he was still speaking, another messenger popped up and said, “Your sons and daughters were feasting and drinking at their oldest brother's house.”
While he {was} yet speaking, there came also another, and said, Thy sons and thy daughters {were} eating and drinking wine in their eldest brother's house:
And then, bam! A huge wind came from the wilderness, slammed into all four corners of the house, and it caved in on the young people; I’m the only one who made it out to tell you.
And, behold, there came a great wind from the wilderness, and smote the four corners of the house, and it fell upon the young men, and they are dead; and I only am escaped alone to tell thee. {from...: Heb. from aside, etc}
Job got up, tore his robe, shaved his head, dropped to the ground, and worshipped.
Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, {mantle: or, robe}
He said, “I came into this world with nothing, and I’ll leave with nothing. The Lord gave, and the Lord took away; blessed be the name of the Lord.”
And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.
Through all this, Job didn’t slip up or throw shade at God for anything.
In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly. {charged...: or, attributed folly to God}