Genesis Chapter 3
So, the snake was hella sneakier than any beast God crafted. He’s all like, “Ayo, did God seriously say you can’t snack on any tree?”
Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the LORD God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden? {Yea...: Heb. Yea, because, etc.}
The woman replied, “We can definitely munch on the fruit from the trees in this garden.”
And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:
But she added, “Except for the one in the center, God said to avoid it or we’ll be done for.”
But of the fruit of the tree which {is} in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.
The snake shot back, “Nah, you won’t actually die.”
And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:
“God’s just lowkey stressing because if you eat it, you’ll know everything, good and bad, just like Him.”
For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.
When she peeped that the tree looked bomb and had some serious vibes, she snagged the fruit, munched it, and handed some to her dude, who chowed down as well.
And when the woman saw that the tree {was} good for food, and that it {was} pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make {one} wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat. {pleasant: Heb. a desire}
Their eyes were opened, and they figured out they were stark naked; so, they stitched together some fig leaves to make themselves fits.
And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they {were} naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons. {aprons: or, things to gird about}
They heard God chilling in the garden, and Adam and his girl ducked behind the trees to hide out.
And they heard the voice of the LORD God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the LORD God amongst the trees of the garden. {cool: Heb. wind}
God was like, “Adam, where you hiding?”
And the LORD God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where {art} thou?
Adam replied, “I heard you in the garden, and I got shook because I was naked, so I hid.”
And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I {was} naked; and I hid myself.
God’s like, “Who told you that you were naked? Did you munch on that tree I told you to skip?”
And he said, Who told thee that thou {wast} naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?
Adam’s all, “The girl you gave me? She got me to eat from the tree, no cap.”
And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest {to be} with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.
Then God turns to the woman and asks, “What’s going on with this?” She’s like, “The snake tricked me, fr.”
And the LORD God said unto the woman, What {is} this {that} thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.
Then God’s like to the snake, “You really messed up, now you’re cursed above all creatures. You’ll be slithering and eating dirt forever.”
And the LORD God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou {art} cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:
“I’m putting beef between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; you’ll bruise their head, and they’ll bruise your heel.”
And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.
To the woman, He’s like, “You’re gonna have a hard time bringing kids into the world, and your dude’s gonna be the leader, periodt.”
Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire {shall be} to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. {to thy...: or, subject to thy husband}
And to Adam, He said, “You listened to your girl and ate from that tree I told you not to touch. Now the ground’s cursed for you; you’ll eat from it while hustling your whole life.”
And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed {is} the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat {of} it all the days of thy life;
“It’s gonna grow thorns and thistles for you, and you’ll be eating plants from the field.”
Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field; {bring...: Heb. cause to bud}
“You’re gonna sweat and grind for your bread until you head back to the dirt; you came from dust, and you’ll return to dust.”
In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou {art}, and unto dust shalt thou return.
Adam named his wife Eve, ‘cause she’s the original of all living things.
And Adam called his wife's name Eve; because she was the mother of all living. {Eve: Heb. Chavah: that is Living}
God hooked Adam and his girl up with some fresh threads, keeping them cozy.
Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.
God was like, "Yo, this dude's vibing like us now, knowing good and bad. We can’t let him snack on that tree of life and live forever, no cap."
And the LORD God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:
So, God bounced him from Eden to hustle on the land where he originated.
Therefore the LORD God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.
He kicked Adam out, and set up some dope Cherubims and a flaming sword to guard the tree of life, keeping it all sus.
So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.