2 Samuel Chapter 24
The Lord was lowkey upset with Israel again, so He had David go and tally up the squad, saying, "Go, count Israel and Judah."
And again the anger of the LORD was kindled against Israel, and he moved David against them to say, Go, number Israel and Judah.
The king told Joab, the main dude, "Yo, reach out to all the tribes of Israel, from Dan to Beer–sheba, and count the folks so I know what we’re working with."
For the king said to Joab the captain of the host, which {was} with him, Go now through all the tribes of Israel, from Dan even to Beersheba, and number ye the people, that I may know the number of the people. {Go: or, Compass}
Joab was like, "Yo king, may the Lord boost the people by a hundredfold, but why you vibing with this counting thing?"
And Joab said unto the king, Now the LORD thy God add unto the people, how many soever they be, an hundredfold, and that the eyes of my lord the king may see {it}: but why doth my lord the king delight in this thing?
But the king's word was straight-up law against Joab and the captains. So Joab and the crew dipped from the king to count the people of Israel.
Notwithstanding the king's word prevailed against Joab, and against the captains of the host. And Joab and the captains of the host went out from the presence of the king, to number the people of Israel.
They crossed the Jordan and set up shop in Aroer, chilling on the right side of the city near the Gad river.
And they passed over Jordan, and pitched in Aroer, on the right side of the city that {lieth} in the midst of the river of Gad, and toward Jazer: {river: or, valley}
Then they cruised to Gilead and the land of Tahtim–hodshi, checking out Dan–jaan and Zidon.
Then they came to Gilead, and to the land of Tahtimhodshi; and they came to Danjaan, and about to Zidon, {land of Tahtimhodshi: or, nether land newly inhabited}
They peeped the stronghold of Tyre and all the cities of the Hivites and Canaanites, then cruised south of Judah, all the way to Beer–sheba.
And came to the strong hold of Tyre, and to all the cities of the Hivites, and of the Canaanites: and they went out to the south of Judah, {even} to Beersheba.
After they scouted the whole land, they rolled back to Jerusalem after nine months and twenty days.
So when they had gone through all the land, they came to Jerusalem at the end of nine months and twenty days.
Joab reported to the king, saying there were 800,000 warriors in Israel and 500,000 in Judah.
And Joab gave up the sum of the number of the people unto the king: and there were in Israel eight hundred thousand valiant men that drew the sword; and the men of Judah {were} five hundred thousand men.
David felt major guilt after counting the people and told the Lord, "I messed up heavy; please forgive me for being so reckless."
And David's heart smote him after that he had numbered the people. And David said unto the LORD, I have sinned greatly in that I have done: and now, I beseech thee, O LORD, take away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.
When David woke up the next morning, the Lord’s word came to the prophet Gad, David’s right-hand man.
For when David was up in the morning, the word of the LORD came unto the prophet Gad, David's seer, saying,
God literally went, "Go tell David I’m offering him three choices; let him decide one."
Go and say unto David, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three {things}; choose thee one of them, that I may {do it} unto thee.
Gad showed up to David and asked, "You want seven years of famine in your land, three months of dodging your enemies, or three days of pestilence? Think it over and let me know what to say back."
So Gad came to David, and told him, and said unto him, Shall seven years of famine come unto thee in thy land? or wilt thou flee three months before thine enemies, while they pursue thee? or that there be three days' pestilence in thy land? now advise, and see what answer I shall return to him that sent me.
David replied, "I’m in a tight spot; let’s roll with the Lord since His mercy is fire; I’d rather not deal with humans."
And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let us fall now into the hand of the LORD; for his mercies {are} great: and let me not fall into the hand of man. {are great: or, are many}
So the Lord sent a plague on Israel from morning until the set time, and 70,000 folks from Dan to Beer–sheba dropped dead.
So the LORD sent a pestilence upon Israel from the morning even to the time appointed: and there died of the people from Dan even to Beersheba seventy thousand men.
When the angel reached out his hand to wreck Jerusalem, the Lord was like, "Chill, that’s enough," and told the angel to hold up. The angel was by Araunah's threshingfloor.
And when the angel stretched out his hand upon Jerusalem to destroy it, the LORD repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed the people, It is enough: stay now thine hand. And the angel of the LORD was by the threshingplace of Araunah the Jebusite. {Araunah: also called, Ornan}
David saw the angel smiting the people and said, "I’ve sinned hard; why are these sheep suffering? Just hit me and my fam instead."
And David spake unto the LORD when he saw the angel that smote the people, and said, Lo, I have sinned, and I have done wickedly: but these sheep, what have they done? let thine hand, I pray thee, be against me, and against my father's house.
Gad hit up David that day and said, "Go build an altar to the Lord at Araunah’s threshingfloor."
And Gad came that day to David, and said unto him, Go up, rear an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Araunah the Jebusite. {Araunah: Heb. Araniah}
David did what Gad said and went up as the Lord told him.
And David, according to the saying of Gad, went up as the LORD commanded.
Araunah saw the king and his crew coming, so he went out and bowed down on the ground.
And Araunah looked, and saw the king and his servants coming on toward him: and Araunah went out, and bowed himself before the king on his face upon the ground.
Araunah asked, "Why is my king here?" David replied, "I’m here to buy your threshingfloor to build an altar to the Lord so the plague can chill out."
And Araunah said, Wherefore is my lord the king come to his servant? And David said, To buy the threshingfloor of thee, to build an altar unto the LORD, that the plague may be stayed from the people.
Araunah said, "My king can take whatever he wants; I got oxen for sacrifices and tools for the firewood."
And Araunah said unto David, Let my lord the king take and offer up what {seemeth} good unto him: behold, {here be} oxen for burnt sacrifice, and threshing instruments and {other} instruments of the oxen for wood.
Araunah gave all that to the king and said, "May the Lord accept you."
All these {things} did Araunah, {as} a king, give unto the king. And Araunah said unto the king, The LORD thy God accept thee.
The king said, "Nah, I’m definitely buying it; I won’t offer the Lord anything that doesn’t cost me. So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver."
And the king said unto Araunah, Nay; but I will surely buy {it} of thee at a price: neither will I offer burnt offerings unto the LORD my God of that which doth cost me nothing. So David bought the threshingfloor and the oxen for fifty shekels of silver.
David built an altar to the Lord there and offered burnt and peace offerings. The Lord was pleased and halted the plague from hitting Israel.
And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings. So the LORD was intreated for the land, and the plague was stayed from Israel.