2 Samuel Chapter 20
So there’s this dude named Sheba, totally giving off those Belial vibes, the son of Bichri from Benjamin. He blasted a trumpet and was like, "We’re not rolling with David, no rizz in the son of Jesse. Every dude, hit your tents, Israel!"
And there happened to be there a man of Belial, whose name {was} Sheba, the son of Bichri, a Benjamite: and he blew a trumpet, and said, We have no part in David, neither have we inheritance in the son of Jesse: every man to his tents, O Israel.
All the Israel homies dipped from David and followed Sheba, but the Judah squad stayed loyal to their king, from Jordan to Jerusalem, no cap.
So every man of Israel went up from after David, {and} followed Sheba the son of Bichri: but the men of Judah clave unto their king, from Jordan even to Jerusalem.
David pulled up to his spot in Jerusalem; he took the ten women he left behind to hold it down, placed them in a safe spot, fed them, but didn’t touch them. They were basically in widow vibes until they passed.
And David came to his house at Jerusalem; and the king took the ten women {his} concubines, whom he had left to keep the house, and put them in ward, and fed them, but went not in unto them. So they were shut up unto the day of their death, living in widowhood. {ward: Heb. an house of ward} {shut...: Heb. bound} {living...: Heb. in widowhood of life}
Then the king was like to Amasa, "Gather the Judah crew in three days, and you best be here."
Then said the king to Amasa, Assemble me the men of Judah within three days, and be thou here present. {Assemble: Heb. Call}
Amasa went to gather the Judah squad, but he took way longer than he initially promised, fr.
So Amasa went to assemble {the men of} Judah: but he tarried longer than the set time which he had appointed him. {Assemble: Heb. Call}
David told Abishai, "Sheba’s about to stir up more drama than Absalom did. Grab your crew and chase him down before he settles in some city and dips out."
And David said to Abishai, Now shall Sheba the son of Bichri do us more harm than {did} Absalom: take thou thy lord's servants, and pursue after him, lest he get him fenced cities, and escape us. {escape...: Heb. deliver himself from our eyes}
Joab’s squad, the Cherethites, the Pelethites, and all the strong dudes rolled out of Jerusalem to hunt down Sheba, no cap.
And there went out after him Joab's men, and the Cherethites, and the Pelethites, and all the mighty men: and they went out of Jerusalem, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.
When they reached the big stone in Gibeon, Amasa was ahead. Joab had his gear on, sword strapped, but it dropped as he walked, sus moment.
When they {were} at the great stone which {is} in Gibeon, Amasa went before them. And Joab's garment that he had put on was girded unto him, and upon it a girdle {with} a sword fastened upon his loins in the sheath thereof; and as he went forth it fell out.
Joab was like to Amasa, "You good, bro?" and grabbed his beard to give him a kiss, like what?
And Joab said to Amasa, {Art} thou in health, my brother? And Joab took Amasa by the beard with the right hand to kiss him.
But Amasa didn’t peep Joab’s sword, so Joab hit him in the side, spilled his guts, and didn’t need to hit him again; dude was done. Joab and his bro Abishai chased after Sheba, periodt.
But Amasa took no heed to the sword that {was} in Joab's hand: so he smote him therewith in the fifth {rib}, and shed out his bowels to the ground, and struck him not again; and he died. So Joab and Abishai his brother pursued after Sheba the son of Bichri. {struck...: Heb. doubled not his stroke}
One of Joab’s homies was like, “If you’re Team Joab or Team David, roll with Joab.”
And one of Joab's men stood by him, and said, He that favoureth Joab, and he that {is} for David, {let him go} after Joab.
Amasa was straight bleeding out in the street. When someone saw everyone stop, he moved Amasa off the road and threw a cloth on him, since peeps were just standing there.
And Amasa wallowed in blood in the midst of the highway. And when the man saw that all the people stood still, he removed Amasa out of the highway into the field, and cast a cloth upon him, when he saw that every one that came by him stood still.
Once Amasa was cleared out, everyone dipped after Joab to chase down Sheba, Bichri's kid.
When he was removed out of the highway, all the people went on after Joab, to pursue after Sheba the son of Bichri.
He cruised through all the tribes of Israel to Abel and Beth-maachah, and all the Berites linked up to follow him.
And he went through all the tribes of Israel unto Abel, and to Bethmaachah, and all the Berites: and they were gathered together, and went also after him.
They pulled up and surrounded him in Abel of Beth-maachah, building a ramp to the city, while Joab’s crew was smashing the wall to break it down.
And they came and besieged him in Abel of Bethmaachah, and they cast up a bank against the city, and it stood in the trench: and all the people that {were} with Joab battered the wall, to throw it down. {in the trench: or, against the outmost wall} {battered: Heb. marred to throw down}
Then a wise woman shouted from the city, “Yo, listen up! Tell Joab to come here so I can holler at him.”
Then cried a wise woman out of the city, Hear, hear; say, I pray you, unto Joab, Come near hither, that I may speak with thee.
When he got close, she asked, “Are you Joab?” He replied, “That’s me.” She said, “Listen to what I gotta say.” He was like, “I’m all ears.”
And when he was come near unto her, the woman said, {Art} thou Joab? And he answered, I {am he}. Then she said unto him, Hear the words of thine handmaid. And he answered, I do hear.
Then she said, “Back in the day, people used to say they’d ask for advice at Abel, and that’s how they wrapped things up.”
Then she spake, saying, They were wont to speak in old time, saying, They shall surely ask {counsel} at Abel: and so they ended {the matter}. {They were...: or, They plainly spake in the beginning, saying, Surely they will ask of Abel, and so make an end}
“I’m one of the chill and loyal peeps in Israel. You’re trying to wreck a city and a mom in Israel. Why you wanna take out the Lord’s inheritance?”
I {am one of them that are} peaceable {and} faithful in Israel: thou seekest to destroy a city and a mother in Israel: why wilt thou swallow up the inheritance of the LORD?
Joab was like, “Nah, nah, that’s not my vibe. I’m not here to destroy or swallow anything.”
And Joab answered and said, Far be it, far be it from me, that I should swallow up or destroy.
So like, there's this dude from Ephraim, Sheba son of Bichri, who's totally against King David. Just give him up, and I’m outta here. The woman was like, "No cap, I'll toss his head over the wall for you."
The matter {is} not so: but a man of mount Ephraim, Sheba the son of Bichri by name, hath lifted up his hand against the king, {even} against David: deliver him only, and I will depart from the city. And the woman said unto Joab, Behold, his head shall be thrown to thee over the wall. {by name: Heb. by his name}
Then she went to the people with her smarts. They straight-up chopped off Sheba's head and tossed it to Joab. He blew the trumpet, and everyone dipped back to their tents. Joab bounced back to Jerusalem to the king.
Then the woman went unto all the people in her wisdom. And they cut off the head of Sheba the son of Bichri, and cast {it} out to Joab. And he blew a trumpet, and they retired from the city, every man to his tent. And Joab returned to Jerusalem unto the king. {retired: Heb. were scattered}
Joab was the head of all Israel’s army, and Benaiah son of Jehoiada was in charge of the Cherethites and Pelethites, no cap.
Now Joab {was} over all the host of Israel: and Benaiah the son of Jehoiada {was} over the Cherethites and over the Pelethites:
Adoram was in charge of taxes, and Jehoshaphat son of Ahilud was the recorder, keeping it all straight.
And Adoram {was} over the tribute: and Jehoshaphat the son of Ahilud {was} recorder: {recorder: or, remembrancer}
Sheva was the scribe, and Zadok and Abiathar were the priests, vibin' in their roles.
And Sheva {was} scribe: and Zadok and Abiathar {were} the priests:
Ira the Jairite was also a chief ruler around David, keeping it lit.
And Ira also the Jairite was a chief ruler about David. {a chief...: or, a prince}