2 Samuel Chapter 2
So, after everything went down, David hit up the Lord, asking, "Should I pull up to any of the cities in Judah?" And the Lord was like, "Do it." David then asked, "Where should I go?" And He was like, "Hebron, fam."
And it came to pass after this, that David enquired of the LORD, saying, Shall I go up into any of the cities of Judah? And the LORD said unto him, Go up. And David said, Whither shall I go up? And he said, Unto Hebron.
David cruised up there with his two wives, Ahinoam and Abigail, who was Nabal’s lady.
So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal's wife the Carmelite.
David brought his crew with him, each dude rolling deep: they settled in the cities of Hebron.
And his men that {were} with him did David bring up, every man with his household: and they dwelt in the cities of Hebron.
Then the Judah squad came through and crowned David as king over Judah. They told him, "Aye, the Jabesh–gilead crew showed some love and buried Saul."
And the men of Judah came, and there they anointed David king over the house of Judah. And they told David, saying, {That} the men of Jabeshgilead {were they} that buried Saul.
David shot some messages to the Jabesh–gilead folks, saying, "Props! You guys showed serious loyalty to your lord Saul by giving him a proper burial."
And David sent messengers unto the men of Jabeshgilead, and said unto them, Blessed {be} ye of the LORD, that ye have shewed this kindness unto your lord, {even} unto Saul, and have buried him.
Now, the Lord’s about to show you some major kindness and truth: I’ll also bless you for this deed.
And now the LORD shew kindness and truth unto you: and I also will requite you this kindness, because ye have done this thing.
So, get your strength up and be bold: your master Saul is gone, and the Judah fam has made me king.
Therefore now let your hands be strengthened, and be ye valiant: for your master Saul is dead, and also the house of Judah have anointed me king over them. {be ye...: Heb. be ye the sons of valour}
But then Abner, Saul’s captain, scooped up Ish–bosheth, Saul’s son, and took him to Mahanaim.
But Abner the son of Ner, captain of Saul's host, took Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and brought him over to Mahanaim; {Saul's host: Heb. the host which was Saul's} {Ishbosheth: or, Eshbaal}
He made him king over Gilead, the Ashurites, Jezreel, Ephraim, Benjamin, and all of Israel.
And made him king over Gilead, and over the Ashurites, and over Jezreel, and over Ephraim, and over Benjamin, and over all Israel.
Ish–bosheth, Saul's son, was 40 when he started his reign over Israel, ruling for two years. But Judah was totally backing David.
Ishbosheth Saul's son {was} forty years old when he began to reign over Israel, and reigned two years. But the house of Judah followed David.
David was king in Hebron for a solid seven years and six months, no cap.
And the time that David was king in Hebron over the house of Judah was seven years and six months. {time: Heb. number of days}
Abner, son of Ner, and Ish-bosheth's crew rolled out from Mahanaim to Gibeon.
And Abner the son of Ner, and the servants of Ishbosheth the son of Saul, went out from Mahanaim to Gibeon.
Joab, son of Zeruiah, and David's crew showed up by the Gibeon pool, chilling on opposite sides.
And Joab the son of Zeruiah, and the servants of David, went out, and met together by the pool of Gibeon: and they sat down, the one on the one side of the pool, and the other on the other side of the pool. {together: Heb. them together}
Abner was like, "Yo, let the young guns go at it and show us what they got." Joab was down.
And Abner said to Joab, Let the young men now arise, and play before us. And Joab said, Let them arise.
So, twelve from Benjamin, rolling with Ish-bosheth, and twelve from David's crew squared up.
Then there arose and went over by number twelve of Benjamin, which {pertained} to Ishbosheth the son of Saul, and twelve of the servants of David.
They locked onto each other and went full savage with swords; they dropped at the same time. That spot got called Helkath-hazzurim in Gibeon.
And they caught every one his fellow by the head, and {thrust} his sword in his fellow's side; so they fell down together: wherefore that place was called Helkathhazzurim, which {is} in Gibeon. {Helkathhazzurim: that is, The field of strong men}
It was a wild battle that day; Abner took the L, and Israel's crew was down against David's peeps.
And there was a very sore battle that day; and Abner was beaten, and the men of Israel, before the servants of David.
Zeruiah’s three sons were there: Joab, Abishai, and Asahel. Asahel was quick like a deer, fr.
And there were three sons of Zeruiah there, Joab, and Abishai, and Asahel: and Asahel {was as} light of foot as a wild roe. {of foot: Heb. of his feet} {as a wild...: Heb. as one of the roes that is in the field}
Asahel chased Abner hard, not veering left or right, just locked in.
And Asahel pursued after Abner; and in going he turned not to the right hand nor to the left from following Abner. {from...: Heb. from after Abner}
Abner turned around and asked, "Is that you, Asahel?" And Asahel said, "Yep, it’s me."
Then Abner looked behind him, and said, {Art} thou Asahel? And he answered, I {am}.
Abner was like, "Yo, take a side and grab one of those young dudes' armor." But Asahel was too focused on him, no cap.
And Abner said to him, Turn thee aside to thy right hand or to thy left, and lay thee hold on one of the young men, and take thee his armour. But Asahel would not turn aside from following of him. {armour: or, spoil}
Abner told Asahel, "Bro, chill and stop chasing me. Why should I take you out? How am I supposed to face Joab after that?"
And Abner said again to Asahel, Turn thee aside from following me: wherefore should I smite thee to the ground? how then should I hold up my face to Joab thy brother?
But Asahel didn’t back off, so Abner jabbed him with the butt of the spear under the fifth rib, and he dropped right there, dead. Everyone who saw it was stunned, fr.
Howbeit he refused to turn aside: wherefore Abner with the hinder end of the spear smote him under the fifth {rib}, that the spear came out behind him; and he fell down there, and died in the same place: and it came to pass, {that} as many as came to the place where Asahel fell down and died stood still.
Joab and Abishai were hot on Abner’s trail, and as the sun went down, they hit the hill of Ammah by Giah, through the wilds of Gibeon.
Joab also and Abishai pursued after Abner: and the sun went down when they were come to the hill of Ammah, that {lieth} before Giah by the way of the wilderness of Gibeon.
The Benjaminites grouped up behind Abner, forming a crew, and stood on top of a hill, ready to pop off.
And the children of Benjamin gathered themselves together after Abner, and became one troop, and stood on the top of an hill.
Abner shouted to Joab, asking, "Is this sword game ever gonna end? You know it’s gonna be ugly in the end, right? How long we gonna keep this up?"
Then Abner called to Joab, and said, Shall the sword devour for ever? knowest thou not that it will be bitterness in the latter end? how long shall it be then, ere thou bid the people return from following their brethren?
Joab shot back, "As God lives, if you hadn’t said that, everyone would’ve bounced back to their bros by morning."
And Joab said, {As} God liveth, unless thou hadst spoken, surely then in the morning the people had gone up every one from following his brother. {in the...: Heb. from the morning} {gone...: or, gone away}
So Joab blew the trumpet, and everyone just stopped, ending the chase after Israel and calling it quits, periodt.
So Joab blew a trumpet, and all the people stood still, and pursued after Israel no more, neither fought they any more.
Abner and his crew walked all night through the plain, crossed the Jordan, and went through Bithron, reaching Mahanaim.
And Abner and his men walked all that night through the plain, and passed over Jordan, and went through all Bithron, and they came to Mahanaim.
Joab came back from chasing Abner, and when he gathered the crew, there were 19 of David's guys missing, plus Asahel.
And Joab returned from following Abner: and when he had gathered all the people together, there lacked of David's servants nineteen men and Asahel.
David's crew took out 360 dudes from Benjamin and Abner's squad, no cap.
But the servants of David had smitten of Benjamin, and of Abner's men, {so that} three hundred and threescore men died.
They picked up Asahel and laid him to rest with his fam in Bethlehem. Joab and his boys rolled all night and pulled up to Hebron at dawn, periodt.
And they took up Asahel, and buried him in the sepulchre of his father, which {was in} Bethlehem. And Joab and his men went all night, and they came to Hebron at break of day.