2 Samuel Chapter 18
David totaled up his squad and assembled some captains, flexing hard.
And David numbered the people that {were} with him, and set captains of thousands and captains of hundreds over them.
He divided the crew into three, sending Joab, Abishai, and Ittai to take the lead. The king was like, "I’m rolling with you, no cap."
And David sent forth a third part of the people under the hand of Joab, and a third part under the hand of Abishai the son of Zeruiah, Joab's brother, and a third part under the hand of Ittai the Gittite. And the king said unto the people, I will surely go forth with you myself also.
But the squad was like, "Nah, you gotta stay. If we bounce, they won't care; even if half of us are out, we still need you. You’re worth way more than ten of us, so relax in the city."
But the people answered, Thou shalt not go forth: for if we flee away, they will not care for us; neither if half of us die, will they care for us: but now {thou art} worth ten thousand of us: therefore now {it is} better that thou succour us out of the city. {care...: Heb. set their heart on us} {worth...: Heb. as ten thousand of us} {succour: Heb. be to succour or help}
The king was like, "Do what you think is right, I trust you." He stood at the gate while the folks streamed out in droves.
And the king said unto them, What seemeth you best I will do. And the king stood by the gate side, and all the people came out by hundreds and by thousands.
The king told Joab, Abishai, and Ittai to go easy on Absalom for his sake. Everyone caught wind of the king's orders regarding Absalom.
And the king commanded Joab and Abishai and Ittai, saying, {Deal} gently for my sake with the young man, {even} with Absalom. And all the people heard when the king gave all the captains charge concerning Absalom.
Then the people hit the battlefields against Israel, and the clash erupted in the woods of Ephraim.
So the people went out into the field against Israel: and the battle was in the wood of Ephraim;
David's crew totally wrecked the Israelites, with a sick tally of twenty thousand casualties that day.
Where the people of Israel were slain before the servants of David, and there was there a great slaughter that day of twenty thousand {men}.
The fight was chaotic, scattered everywhere, and the woods claimed more lives than the swords did.
For the battle was there scattered over the face of all the country: and the wood devoured more people that day than the sword devoured. {devoured: Heb. multiplied to devour}
Absalom ran into David’s guys, riding a mule. But the mule got caught in a thick oak, and his head got stuck, leaving him hanging between heaven and earth while the mule trotted off.
And Absalom met the servants of David. And Absalom rode upon a mule, and the mule went under the thick boughs of a great oak, and his head caught hold of the oak, and he was taken up between the heaven and the earth; and the mule that {was} under him went away.
A dude spotted this and told Joab, "Yo, I just saw Absalom hanging in an oak!"
And a certain man saw {it}, and told Joab, and said, Behold, I saw Absalom hanged in an oak.
Joab was like, "Seriously? You saw him and didn’t take him out? I woulda tossed you ten shekels and a fresh outfit."
And Joab said unto the man that told him, And, behold, thou sawest {him}, and why didst thou not smite him there to the ground? and I would have given thee ten {shekels} of silver, and a girdle.
The dude shot back, "Even if I had a thousand shekels, no cap, I ain't messing with the king’s son, 'cause the king told you and the squad to chill on Absalom."
And the man said unto Joab, Though I should receive a thousand {shekels} of silver in mine hand, {yet} would I not put forth mine hand against the king's son: for in our hearing the king charged thee and Abishai and Ittai, saying, Beware that none {touch} the young man Absalom. {receive: Heb. weigh upon mine hand} {Beware...: Heb. Beware whosoever ye be of, etc}
"Otherwise, I’d be playing myself, 'cause the king knows everything, and you would’ve been coming for me."
Otherwise I should have wrought falsehood against mine own life: for there is no matter hid from the king, and thou thyself wouldest have set thyself against {me}.
Joab was like, "I ain’t got time for this." He grabbed three darts and went full savage on Absalom while he was still alive in the tree.
Then said Joab, I may not tarry thus with thee. And he took three darts in his hand, and thrust them through the heart of Absalom, while he {was} yet alive in the midst of the oak. {with...: Heb. before thee} {midst: Heb. heart}
Then ten young homies holding Joab’s gear rolled up and took out Absalom, no doubt.
And ten young men that bare Joab's armour compassed about and smote Absalom, and slew him.
Joab blew the trumpet, and the crew stopped chasing after Israel, saying, "Chill, fam."
And Joab blew the trumpet, and the people returned from pursuing after Israel: for Joab held back the people.
They tossed Absalom into a big pit in the woods and stacked a massive pile of stones on him, while all of Israel headed back to their tents.
And they took Absalom, and cast him into a great pit in the wood, and laid a very great heap of stones upon him: and all Israel fled every one to his tent.
Absalom had made a dope pillar for himself in the king's valley, saying, "I got no son to carry my name," and he named it after himself, so it’s still known as Absalom’s place.
Now Absalom in his lifetime had taken and reared up for himself a pillar, which {is} in the king's dale: for he said, I have no son to keep my name in remembrance: and he called the pillar after his own name: and it is called unto this day, Absalom's place.
Ahimaaz, Zadok's son, was like, "Let me run and tell the king the Lord had his back against his enemies."
Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok, Let me now run, and bear the king tidings, how that the LORD hath avenged him of his enemies. {avenged...: Heb. judged him from the hand, etc}
Joab said, "Nah, you can’t spill the tea today, but you can another time; today, keep it under wraps 'cause the king’s son is out."
And Joab said unto him, Thou shalt not bear tidings this day, but thou shalt bear tidings another day: but this day thou shalt bear no tidings, because the king's son is dead. {bear tidings this: Heb. be a man of tidings, etc}
Then Joab told Cushi, "Go tell the king what you witnessed." Cushi bowed and bounced.
Then said Joab to Cushi, Go tell the king what thou hast seen. And Cushi bowed himself unto Joab, and ran.
Ahimaaz, Zadok's son, was like, "Yo, let me chase after Cushi too!" Joab replied, "Why you wanna run, my dude? You ain't got the intel."
Then said Ahimaaz the son of Zadok yet again to Joab, But howsoever, let me, I pray thee, also run after Cushi. And Joab said, Wherefore wilt thou run, my son, seeing that thou hast no tidings ready? {howsoever: Heb. be what may} {ready: or, convenient}
But he insisted, "Lemme run." Joab was like, "Bet." So Ahimaaz sped across the plain and passed Cushi.
But howsoever, {said he}, let me run. And he said unto him, Run. Then Ahimaaz ran by the way of the plain, and overran Cushi.
David was chilling between the gates when the watchman climbed up to the roof, peeped, and saw a dude running solo.
And David sat between the two gates: and the watchman went up to the roof over the gate unto the wall, and lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold a man running alone.
The watchman hollered and told the king. The king was like, "If he's rolling solo, he’s got some news." The dude was coming in hot and got closer.
And the watchman cried, and told the king. And the king said, If he {be} alone, {there is} tidings in his mouth. And he came apace, and drew near.
Then the watchman spotted another runner and called out to the gatekeeper, "Yo, there's another dude running solo!" The king said, "He’s got news too."
And the watchman saw another man running: and the watchman called unto the porter, and said, Behold {another} man running alone. And the king said, He also bringeth tidings.
The watchman was like, "That first guy runs like Ahimaaz, Zadok’s son." The king said, "He’s legendary, and he brings good vibes."
And the watchman said, Me thinketh the running of the foremost is like the running of Ahimaaz the son of Zadok. And the king said, He {is} a good man, and cometh with good tidings. {Me...: Heb. I see the running}
Ahimaaz shouted, "All is well!" He dropped to the ground, face first, and said, "Bless up to the Lord your God for saving the peeps who went against my king."
And Ahimaaz called, and said unto the king, All is well. And he fell down to the earth upon his face before the king, and said, Blessed {be} the LORD thy God, which hath delivered up the men that lifted up their hand against my lord the king. {All...: or, Peace be to thee: Heb. Peace} {delivered...: Heb. shut up}
The king asked, "Is Absalom good?" Ahimaaz replied, "When Joab sent me and your servant, I saw a wild scene, but I didn’t catch all the details."
And the king said, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Ahimaaz answered, When Joab sent the king's servant, and {me} thy servant, I saw a great tumult, but I knew not what {it was}. {Is...: Heb. Is there peace?}
The king told him, "Slide over and chill here." So he moved aside and stood still.
And the king said {unto him}, Turn aside, {and} stand here. And he turned aside, and stood still.
Yo, Cushi rolled up and said, "Yo, king! The Lord just hooked you up today from all those haters."
And, behold, Cushi came; and Cushi said, Tidings, my lord the king: for the LORD hath avenged thee this day of all them that rose up against thee. {Tidings: Heb. Tidings is brought}
The king asked Cushi, "Is my dude Absalom good?" Cushi replied, "All your enemies, king, they should end up like him."
And the king said unto Cushi, Is the young man Absalom safe? And Cushi answered, The enemies of my lord the king, and all that rise against thee to do {thee} hurt, be as {that} young man {is}.
The king was super shook, went to his spot above the gate, and cried: "O my son Absalom, my son! For real, I wish I could've taken your place, my son!"
And the king was much moved, and went up to the chamber over the gate, and wept: and as he went, thus he said, O my son Absalom, my son, my son Absalom! would God I had died for thee, O Absalom, my son, my son!