2 Samuel Chapter 17
So, Ahithophel was like, "Let me grab 12K homies, and I’m gonna hunt down David tonight, no cap."
Moreover Ahithophel said unto Absalom, Let me now choose out twelve thousand men, and I will arise and pursue after David this night:
"I’ll catch him when he’s all worn out and weak, and he’ll be shook; all his squad will bounce, and I’ll just take out the king."
And I will come upon him while he {is} weary and weak handed, and will make him afraid: and all the people that {are} with him shall flee; and I will smite the king only:
"I’ll bring everyone back to you; the dude you want is like the entire crew returning, so everyone will chill out."
And I will bring back all the people unto thee: the man whom thou seekest {is} as if all returned: {so} all the people shall be in peace.
Absalom was vibing with that plan, and all the OGs of Israel were feeling it too.
And the saying pleased Absalom well, and all the elders of Israel. {pleased...: Heb. was right in the eyes of, etc}
Then Absalom was like, "Get Hushai the Archite in here, we need his take on this as well."
Then said Absalom, Call now Hushai the Archite also, and let us hear likewise what he saith. {what...: Heb. what is in his mouth}
As soon as Hushai showed up, Absalom hit him with, "Ahithophel just dropped some gems; should we roll with it or what?"
And when Hushai was come to Absalom, Absalom spake unto him, saying, Ahithophel hath spoken after this manner: shall we do {after} his saying? if not; speak thou. {his saying: Heb. his word}
Hushai replied, "Nah, fam, Ahithophel's advice isn’t hitting right now."
And Hushai said unto Absalom, The counsel that Ahithophel hath given {is} not good at this time. {given: Heb. counselled}
"Look, your dad and his crew are total beasts, and they’re mad like a bear that just lost her cubs; your dad’s a war machine and won’t chill with the squad."
For, said Hushai, thou knowest thy father and his men, that they {be} mighty men, and they {be} chafed in their minds, as a bear robbed of her whelps in the field: and thy father {is} a man of war, and will not lodge with the people. {chafed...: Heb. bitter of soul}
"He’s probably peeping from some hole or something; once the first squad gets wrecked, everyone’s gonna be like, ‘It’s a massacre for the Absalom crew.’"
Behold, he is hid now in some pit, or in some {other} place: and it will come to pass, when some of them be overthrown at the first, that whosoever heareth it will say, There is a slaughter among the people that follow Absalom. {overthrown: Heb. fallen}
"And the brave ones, with hearts like lions, will totally freak out; everyone in Israel knows your dad's a beast, and his crew are straight-up warriors."
And he also {that is} valiant, whose heart {is} as the heart of a lion, shall utterly melt: for all Israel knoweth that thy father {is} a mighty man, and {they} which {be} with him {are} valiant men.
So I’m saying, all of Israel needs to gather up, from Dan to Beer-sheba, like the sand on the beach, and you gotta lead the battle yourself.
Therefore I counsel that all Israel be generally gathered unto thee, from Dan even to Beersheba, as the sand that {is} by the sea for multitude; and that thou go to battle in thine own person. {that thou...: Heb. that thy face, or, presence go, etc}
We’ll catch him in a spot where he’s chilling, and we’ll roll up on him like morning dew on the grass, and not a single dude with him will make it out.
So shall we come upon him in some place where he shall be found, and we will light upon him as the dew falleth on the ground: and of him and of all the men that {are} with him there shall not be left so much as one.
If he gets comfy in a city, then all of Israel will bring ropes and drag that city into the river, till not even a pebble is left.
Moreover, if he be gotten into a city, then shall all Israel bring ropes to that city, and we will draw it into the river, until there be not one small stone found there.
Absalom and all the Israel crew were like, “Hushai’s advice is way better than Ahithophel’s.” The Lord was out here making sure Ahithophel’s fire advice flopped, so He could bring the drama on Absalom.
And Absalom and all the men of Israel said, The counsel of Hushai the Archite {is} better than the counsel of Ahithophel. For the LORD had appointed to defeat the good counsel of Ahithophel, to the intent that the LORD might bring evil upon Absalom. {appointed: Heb. commanded}
Then Hushai told Zadok and Abiathar, “Here’s the tea: Ahithophel gave Absalom and the elders this advice, and here’s what I hit them with instead.”
Then said Hushai unto Zadok and to Abiathar the priests, Thus and thus did Ahithophel counsel Absalom and the elders of Israel; and thus and thus have I counselled.
So, like, send a message to David ASAP, telling him not to chill in the wilderness tonight, but to bounce quick; we don’t want the king and his crew to get caught.
Now therefore send quickly, and tell David, saying, Lodge not this night in the plains of the wilderness, but speedily pass over; lest the king be swallowed up, and all the people that {are} with him.
Jonathan and Ahimaaz were hiding by En-rogel, trying to stay low-key and not get spied in the city; a girl spilled the tea to them, and they went and told King David.
Now Jonathan and Ahimaaz stayed by Enrogel; for they might not be seen to come into the city: and a wench went and told them; and they went and told king David.
But a kid spotted them and told Absalom; they dipped fast and ended up at a dude’s place in Bahurim, where there was a well in the yard, so they snuck down there.
Nevertheless a lad saw them, and told Absalom: but they went both of them away quickly, and came to a man's house in Bahurim, which had a well in his court; whither they went down.
The woman put a cover over the well’s opening and sprinkled some ground corn on it, so nobody knew what was good.
And the woman took and spread a covering over the well's mouth, and spread ground corn thereon; and the thing was not known.
When Absalom’s crew rolled up to the woman’s spot, they asked, “Where’s Ahimaaz and Jonathan?” She was like, “They crossed over the water.” They looked for them but couldn’t track them down, so they headed back to Jerusalem.
And when Absalom's servants came to the woman to the house, they said, Where {is} Ahimaaz and Jonathan? And the woman said unto them, They be gone over the brook of water. And when they had sought and could not find {them}, they returned to Jerusalem.
So after they dipped, they pulled up from the well and told King David, "Yo, get up and bounce over the water quick, 'cause Ahithophel's got some sus plans against you."
And it came to pass, after they were departed, that they came up out of the well, and went and told king David, and said unto David, Arise, and pass quickly over the water: for thus hath Ahithophel counselled against you.
David got up with his crew, and they crossed the Jordan; by morning, everyone made it over, no cap.
Then David arose, and all the people that {were} with him, and they passed over Jordan: by the morning light there lacked not one of them that was not gone over Jordan.
When Ahithophel saw nobody was feeling his advice, he saddled his donkey, rolled back home, got his stuff in order, and straight up ended it, then got buried next to his fam.
And when Ahithophel saw that his counsel was not followed, he saddled {his} ass, and arose, and gat him home to his house, to his city, and put his household in order, and hanged himself, and died, and was buried in the sepulchre of his father. {followed: Heb. done} {put his...: Heb. gave charge concerning his house}
David rolled up to Mahanaim, and Absalom crossed the Jordan with all the Israel homies.
Then David came to Mahanaim. And Absalom passed over Jordan, he and all the men of Israel with him.
Absalom made Amasa the new captain instead of Joab; Amasa was Ithra's son, an Israelite who linked up with Abigail, Nahash's daughter, who’s also Joab's aunt.
And Absalom made Amasa captain of the host instead of Joab: which Amasa {was} a man's son, whose name {was} Ithra an Israelite, that went in to Abigail the daughter of Nahash, sister to Zeruiah Joab's mother. {Ithra an Israelite: or, Jether an Ishmaelite} {Abigail: Heb. Abigal} {Nahash: or, Jesse}
So Israel and Absalom set up camp in Gilead, just chilling.
So Israel and Absalom pitched in the land of Gilead.
When David showed up to Mahanaim, Shobi, Nahash's son from Rabbah, Machir, Ammiel's son from Lo-debar, and Barzillai, the Gileadite from Rogelim, were there.
And it came to pass, when David was come to Mahanaim, that Shobi the son of Nahash of Rabbah of the children of Ammon, and Machir the son of Ammiel of Lodebar, and Barzillai the Gileadite of Rogelim,
They brought beds, bowls, clay pots, wheat, barley, flour, roasted corn, beans, lentils, and other snacks.
Brought beds, and basons, and earthen vessels, and wheat, and barley, and flour, and parched {corn}, and beans, and lentiles, and parched {pulse}, {basons: or, cups}
Plus honey, butter, sheep, and cheese for David and his crew to munch on, 'cause they were all hungry, tired, and thirsty in the wild.
And honey, and butter, and sheep, and cheese of kine, for David, and for the people that {were} with him, to eat: for they said, The people {is} hungry, and weary, and thirsty, in the wilderness.