2 Samuel Chapter 15
So, Absalom was like, “Let’s snag some chariots and horses, and I need 50 bros to roll with me.”
And it came to pass after this, that Absalom prepared him chariots and horses, and fifty men to run before him.
At the crack of dawn, Absalom was chilling by the gate, waiting for peeps to slide in for judgment, and he’d be like, “Yo, where you from?” The dude replied, “I’m from one of the tribes of Israel, fam.”
And Absalom rose up early, and stood beside the way of the gate: and it was {so}, that when any man that had a controversy came to the king for judgment, then Absalom called unto him, and said, Of what city {art} thou? And he said, Thy servant {is} of one of the tribes of Israel. {came: Heb. to come}
Absalom replied, “Your problems are legit, but no cap, there's no one from the king to back you up.”
And Absalom said unto him, See, thy matters {are} good and right; but {there is} no man {deputed} of the king to hear thee. {there...: or, none will hear thee from the king downward}
He was like, “Man, I wish I could be the judge here, so everyone with a case could come to me, and I’d totally dish out justice!”
Absalom said moreover, Oh that I were made judge in the land, that every man which hath any suit or cause might come unto me, and I would do him justice!
Whenever someone came to show respect, he’d reach out, grab their hand, and give them a kiss, like, “What’s good?”
And it was {so}, that when any man came nigh {to him} to do him obeisance, he put forth his hand, and took him, and kissed him.
Absalom was doing this to everyone in Israel who came for judgment, so he was low-key winning over the hearts of the people.
And on this manner did Absalom to all Israel that came to the king for judgment: so Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel.
After 40 years, Absalom hit up the king, “Yo, can I dip and pay my vow to the Lord in Hebron?”
And it came to pass after forty years, that Absalom said unto the king, I pray thee, let me go and pay my vow, which I have vowed unto the LORD, in Hebron.
He was like, “I made a promise while I was chilling in Geshur, saying if the Lord brings me back to Jerusalem, I’ll serve Him for real.”
For thy servant vowed a vow while I abode at Geshur in Syria, saying, If the LORD shall bring me again indeed to Jerusalem, then I will serve the LORD.
The king was like, “Bet, go in peace.” So, Absalom got up and rolled to Hebron.
And the king said unto him, Go in peace. So he arose, and went to Hebron.
But Absalom was slick, sending spies all over Israel, saying, “As soon as you hear the trumpet, just know, Absalom’s the king in Hebron.”
But Absalom sent spies throughout all the tribes of Israel, saying, As soon as ye hear the sound of the trumpet, then ye shall say, Absalom reigneth in Hebron.
So Absalom bounced out with 200 dudes from Jerusalem, all chillin' and clueless, no cap.
And with Absalom went two hundred men out of Jerusalem, {that were} called; and they went in their simplicity, and they knew not any thing.
Absalom hit up Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's top advisor, while he was vibing with sacrifices. The conspiracy was lit; more peeps kept joining Absalom, fr.
And Absalom sent for Ahithophel the Gilonite, David's counsellor, from his city, {even} from Giloh, while he offered sacrifices. And the conspiracy was strong; for the people increased continually with Absalom.
A messenger slid into David’s DMs, saying, “Yo, the vibes in Israel are all about Absalom now.”
And there came a messenger to David, saying, The hearts of the men of Israel are after Absalom.
David told his crew in Jerusalem, “Yo, we gotta dip, like, ASAP! We can't let Absalom catch us and bring the drama, periodt.”
And David said unto all his servants that {were} with him at Jerusalem, Arise, and let us flee; for we shall not {else} escape from Absalom: make speed to depart, lest he overtake us suddenly, and bring evil upon us, and smite the city with the edge of the sword. {bring: Heb. thrust}
The king's squad was like, “Bet, we’re down for anything you need, my lord.”
And the king's servants said unto the king, Behold, thy servants {are ready to do} whatsoever my lord the king shall appoint. {appoint: Heb. choose}
The king peaced out with his whole fam, but left ten women behind to keep it together at the crib.
And the king went forth, and all his household after him. And the king left ten women, {which were} concubines, to keep the house. {after...: Heb. at his feet}
The king bounced, and all the people followed, chillin' at a spot far away.
And the king went forth, and all the people after him, and tarried in a place that was far off.
All his crew rolled with him; the Cherethites, Pelethites, and Gittites, like 600 folks from Gath, were ahead of the king.
And all his servants passed on beside him; and all the Cherethites, and all the Pelethites, and all the Gittites, six hundred men which came after him from Gath, passed on before the king.
The king asked Ittai the Gittite, “Why you rolling with us? Just go back and chill with the king; you’re new here, no cap.”
Then said the king to Ittai the Gittite, Wherefore goest thou also with us? return to thy place, and abide with the king: for thou {art} a stranger, and also an exile.
“You just got here yesterday; should I make you vibe with us today? Go back and take your crew with you; mercy and truth be with you, fr.”
Whereas thou camest {but} yesterday, should I this day make thee go up and down with us? seeing I go whither I may, return thou, and take back thy brethren: mercy and truth {be} with thee. {go up...: Heb. wander in going}
Ittai was like, "As long as God’s alive, I’m rolling with you, king, no matter if it’s life or death. I’m here for it, periodt."
And Ittai answered the king, and said, {As} the LORD liveth, and {as} my lord the king liveth, surely in what place my lord the king shall be, whether in death or life, even there also will thy servant be.
David told Ittai, "Bet, go ahead and cross over." So Ittai and his crew, including the little ones, bounced over.
And David said to Ittai, Go and pass over. And Ittai the Gittite passed over, and all his men, and all the little ones that {were} with him.
The whole place was crying out loud, while everyone crossed over. The king himself dipped over the Kidron brook, and all the peeps followed into the wild.
And all the country wept with a loud voice, and all the people passed over: the king also himself passed over the brook Kidron, and all the people passed over, toward the way of the wilderness. {Kidron: Gr. Cedron}
And yo, Zadok and all the Levites were with him, carrying the ark of God’s covenant. They set it down, and Abiathar went up until everyone had left the city.
And lo Zadok also, and all the Levites {were} with him, bearing the ark of the covenant of God: and they set down the ark of God; and Abiathar went up, until all the people had done passing out of the city.
The king was like, "Zadok, take the ark back to the city. If I find favor with God, He’ll bring me back to see it and chill in His spot."
And the king said unto Zadok, Carry back the ark of God into the city: if I shall find favour in the eyes of the LORD, he will bring me again, and shew me {both} it, and his habitation:
But if He’s like, "Nah, I’m not feeling you," then here I am, let Him do what He wants, no cap.
But if he thus say, I have no delight in thee; behold, {here am} I, let him do to me as seemeth good unto him.
The king told Zadok the priest, "Aren’t you a seer? Just head back to the city in peace, and bring your two sons, Ahimaaz and Jonathan, with you."
The king said also unto Zadok the priest, {Art not} thou a seer? return into the city in peace, and your two sons with you, Ahimaaz thy son, and Jonathan the son of Abiathar.
"I’m gonna chill in the wilderness until I hear from you to let me know what’s up."
See, I will tarry in the plain of the wilderness, until there come word from you to certify me.
So Zadok and Abiathar took the ark back to Jerusalem and stayed there.
Zadok therefore and Abiathar carried the ark of God again to Jerusalem: and they tarried there.
David hiked up Mount Olivet, crying as he went, head covered and barefoot. Everyone with him was covering their heads, all of them weeping as they went up.
And David went up by the ascent of {mount} Olivet, and wept as he went up, and had his head covered, and he went barefoot: and all the people that {was} with him covered every man his head, and they went up, weeping as they went up. {and wept...: Heb. going up and weeping}
Someone told David, "Yo, Ahithophel is rolling with Absalom." David was like, "O Lord, can you turn Ahithophel's advice into straight-up nonsense? No cap."
And {one} told David, saying, Ahithophel {is} among the conspirators with Absalom. And David said, O LORD, I pray thee, turn the counsel of Ahithophel into foolishness.
When David hit the top of the mountain to worship, Hushai the Archite popped up with his coat all ripped and dirt on his head, looking sus.
And it came to pass, that {when} David was come to the top {of the mount}, where he worshipped God, behold, Hushai the Archite came to meet him with his coat rent, and earth upon his head:
David said, "If you roll with me, you might just be a drag, fam."
Unto whom David said, If thou passest on with me, then thou shalt be a burden unto me:
"But if you dip back to the city and tell Absalom, 'I’m your ride or die, king,' like I was for your dad, then you might just mess up Ahithophel’s plans for me. Periodt."
But if thou return to the city, and say unto Absalom, I will be thy servant, O king; {as} I {have been} thy father's servant hitherto, so {will} I now also {be} thy servant: then mayest thou for me defeat the counsel of Ahithophel.
"Aren't Zadok and Abiathar the priests with you? So whatever you hear from the king's crib, spill it to Zadok and Abiathar."
And {hast thou} not there with thee Zadok and Abiathar the priests? therefore it shall be, {that} what thing soever thou shalt hear out of the king's house, thou shalt tell {it} to Zadok and Abiathar the priests.
"They've got their two sons with them, Ahimaaz, Zadok's kid, and Jonathan, Abiathar's kid; send me all the tea through them."
Behold, {they have} there with them their two sons, Ahimaaz Zadok's {son}, and Jonathan Abiathar's {son}; and by them ye shall send unto me every thing that ye can hear.
So Hushai, David's homie, rolled into the city, and Absalom cruised into Jerusalem.
So Hushai David's friend came into the city, and Absalom came into Jerusalem.