2 Samuel Chapter 14
Joab noticed that the king was all about Absalom, no cap.
Now Joab the son of Zeruiah perceived that the king's heart {was} toward Absalom.
So Joab traveled to Tekoah, recruited a wise woman, and was like, "Yo, act all sad and wear the mourning drip, but skip the oil, vibe like you’ve been grieving forever."
And Joab sent to Tekoah, and fetched thence a wise woman, and said unto her, I pray thee, feign thyself to be a mourner, and put on now mourning apparel, and anoint not thyself with oil, but be as a woman that had a long time mourned for the dead:
Then come to the king and spill the details. Joab hooked her up with the lines to say.
And come to the king, and speak on this manner unto him. So Joab put the words in her mouth.
When the woman from Tekoah spoke to the king, she dropped to her knees and was like, "Help, O king, fr."
And when the woman of Tekoah spake to the king, she fell on her face to the ground, and did obeisance, and said, Help, O king. {Help: Heb. Save}
The king asked her, "What’s going on?" And she replied, "I’m a widow, and my husband’s left us."
And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, I {am} indeed a widow woman, and mine husband is dead.
"I had two sons, and they got into it in the field, and no one broke it up, so one took out the other."
And thy handmaid had two sons, and they two strove together in the field, and {there was} none to part them, but the one smote the other, and slew him. {none...: Heb. no deliverer between them}
"Now my whole family is coming for me, saying, 'Hand over the guy who took his brother out so we can finish him too,' and they’re gonna wipe my last chance and leave my husband with no legacy on this earth."
And, behold, the whole family is risen against thine handmaid, and they said, Deliver him that smote his brother, that we may kill him, for the life of his brother whom he slew; and we will destroy the heir also: and so they shall quench my coal which is left, and shall not leave to my husband {neither} name nor remainder upon the earth. {upon...: Heb. upon the face of the earth}
The king reassured her, "Head back home, I got your back."
And the king said unto the woman, Go to thine house, and I will give charge concerning thee.
The Tekoah woman said, "My king, the blame’s on me and my people; you and your throne are good to go."
And the woman of Tekoah said unto the king, My lord, O king, the iniquity {be} on me, and on my father's house: and the king and his throne {be} guiltless.
The king said, "Whoever gives you trouble, bring them to me, and they won’t mess with you again."
And the king said, Whosoever saith {ought} unto thee, bring him to me, and he shall not touch thee any more.
She was like, "Yo, king, remember the Lord so those blood avengers don't take my son out. And he was like, 'No cap, not a single hair on your son’s head will hit the ground.'"
Then said she, I pray thee, let the king remember the LORD thy God, that thou wouldest not suffer the revengers of blood to destroy any more, lest they destroy my son. And he said, {As} the LORD liveth, there shall not one hair of thy son fall to the earth. {that...: Heb. that the revenger of blood do not multiply to destroy}
Then she said, "Can I drop one thing to my lord the king?" And he was like, "Go ahead, spill it."
Then the woman said, Let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak {one} word unto my lord the king. And he said, Say on.
She was like, "Why you thinking that way about God’s crew? The king’s talking like he’s missing the whole picture, not bringing back those who’ve been kicked out."
And the woman said, Wherefore then hast thou thought such a thing against the people of God? for the king doth speak this thing as one which is faulty, in that the king doth not fetch home again his banished.
"We’re all gonna kick the bucket, like water spilled on the ground that can’t be scooped back up; God doesn’t play favorites, but He’s got plans so the banished aren’t sent away for good."
For we must needs die, and {are} as water spilt on the ground, which cannot be gathered up again; neither doth God respect {any} person: yet doth he devise means, that his banished be not expelled from him. {neither...: or, because God hath not taken away his life, he hath also devised means, etc}
"So I came to holler about this because the people got me shook, and I’m hoping the king will vibe with my request."
Now therefore that I am come to speak of this thing unto my lord the king, {it is} because the people have made me afraid: and thy handmaid said, I will now speak unto the king; it may be that the king will perform the request of his handmaid.
"The king's gonna hear me out and save me and my son from the dude who wants to wipe us from God’s inheritance."
For the king will hear, to deliver his handmaid out of the hand of the man {that would} destroy me and my son together out of the inheritance of God.
"Then your servant said, 'Your words are so soothing, like an angel of God; my king knows what’s good and what’s sus, so the Lord’s got your back.'"
Then thine handmaid said, The word of my lord the king shall now be comfortable: for as an angel of God, so {is} my lord the king to discern good and bad: therefore the LORD thy God will be with thee. {comfortable: Heb. for rest} {to discern: Heb. to hear}
"Then the king was like, 'Don’t hold back from me, I've got a question.' And she said, 'Let my lord the king speak.'"
Then the king answered and said unto the woman, Hide not from me, I pray thee, the thing that I shall ask thee. And the woman said, Let my lord the king now speak.
"The king was like, 'Isn’t Joab behind all this?' And she replied, 'As you live, my king, no one can change what you said; Joab told me to say all this.'"
And the king said, {Is not} the hand of Joab with thee in all this? And the woman answered and said, {As} thy soul liveth, my lord the king, none can turn to the right hand or to the left from ought that my lord the king hath spoken: for thy servant Joab, he bade me, and he put all these words in the mouth of thine handmaid:
"Joab set this whole thing up, and my king is wise, like an angel of God, knowing all that goes down on Earth."
To fetch about this form of speech hath thy servant Joab done this thing: and my lord {is} wise, according to the wisdom of an angel of God, to know all {things} that {are} in the earth.
The king told Joab, "Yo, I've made the decision: go get Absalom back, fam."
And the king said unto Joab, Behold now, I have done this thing: go therefore, bring the young man Absalom again.
Joab hit the ground, bowed down, and thanked the king, like, "Today I know I got mad grace from you, my lord."
And Joab fell to the ground on his face, and bowed himself, and thanked the king: and Joab said, To day thy servant knoweth that I have found grace in thy sight, my lord, O king, in that the king hath fulfilled the request of his servant. {thanked: Heb. blessed} {his servant: or, thy servant}
So Joab rolled over to Geshur and brought Absalom back to Jerusalem, no cap.
So Joab arose and went to Geshur, and brought Absalom to Jerusalem.
The king said, "Let him kick it at his own spot and don’t let him see my face." So Absalom went home and didn’t see the king at all.
And the king said, Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face. So Absalom returned to his own house, and saw not the king's face.
But in all of Israel, no one got as much love as Absalom for his looks: dude was flawless from top to bottom, fr.
But in all Israel there was none to be so much praised as Absalom for his beauty: from the sole of his foot even to the crown of his head there was no blemish in him. {But...: Heb. And as Absalom there was not a beautiful man in all Israel to praise greatly}
When he cut his hair (he did it yearly 'cause it was heavy), he weighed it at two hundred shekels, like, that’s some serious weight.
And when he polled his head, (for it was at every year's end that he polled {it}: because {the hair} was heavy on him, therefore he polled it:) he weighed the hair of his head at two hundred shekels after the king's weight.
Absalom had three sons and one daughter named Tamar, and she was absolutely stunning, periodt.
And unto Absalom there were born three sons, and one daughter, whose name {was} Tamar: she was a woman of a fair countenance.
So Absalom stayed in Jerusalem for two whole years and didn’t see the king’s face at all.
So Absalom dwelt two full years in Jerusalem, and saw not the king's face.
Absalom tried to reach out to Joab to get him to the king, but Joab ghosted him, even after he tried again.
Therefore Absalom sent for Joab, to have sent him to the king; but he would not come to him: and when he sent again the second time, he would not come.
So he told his squad, "Yo, Joab’s field is close and he’s got barley there; go light it up." And they set that field ablaze.
Therefore he said unto his servants, See, Joab's field is near mine, and he hath barley there; go and set it on fire. And Absalom's servants set the field on fire. {near...: Heb. near my place}
So Joab got up, rolled over to Absalom's spot, and was like, "Why'd your crew torch my field? That's sus."
Then Joab arose, and came to Absalom unto {his} house, and said unto him, Wherefore have thy servants set my field on fire?
Absalom hit back, "Yo, I sent for you, saying, 'Pull up so I can send you to the king.' Like, why did I even leave Geshur? I'd be chilling there still. Now I just wanna see the king's face, and if I messed up, just end me, fr."
And Absalom answered Joab, Behold, I sent unto thee, saying, Come hither, that I may send thee to the king, to say, Wherefore am I come from Geshur? {it had been} good for me {to have been} there still: now therefore let me see the king's face; and if there be {any} iniquity in me, let him kill me.
Joab bounced to the king and spilled the details. When he called for Absalom, he came through, hit the ground face-first, and the king gave him a kiss.
So Joab came to the king, and told him: and when he had called for Absalom, he came to the king, and bowed himself on his face to the ground before the king: and the king kissed Absalom.