2 Samuel Chapter 13
So, after everything, Absalom, who was David's kid, had a super fly sister named Tamar, and Amnon, another one of David's sons, was totally into her.
And it came to pass after this, that Absalom the son of David had a fair sister, whose name {was} Tamar; and Amnon the son of David loved her.
Amnon was stressing hard about it, like he was sick over Tamar, 'cause she was a complete virgin, and he thought it was mad sus to do anything.
And Amnon was so vexed, that he fell sick for his sister Tamar; for she {was} a virgin; and Amnon thought it hard for him to do any thing to her. {Amnon thought...: Heb. it was marvellous, or, hidden in the eyes of Amnon}
But Amnon had this homie named Jonadab, who was the son of David's bro, and he was slick with the game, no cap.
But Amnon had a friend, whose name {was} Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother: and Jonadab {was} a very subtil man.
Jonadab was like, "What’s got you all bummed, king's son? Spill the tea, fam." Amnon was like, "I’m feeling Tamar, my dude Absalom’s sister."
And he said unto him, Why {art} thou, {being} the king's son, lean from day to day? wilt thou not tell me? And Amnon said unto him, I love Tamar, my brother Absalom's sister. {lean: Heb. thin} {from day...: Heb. morning by morning}
Jonadab said, "Bet, just pretend to be sick in bed, and when your dad swings by, hit him up to send Tamar to whip you up some grub."
And Jonadab said unto him, Lay thee down on thy bed, and make thyself sick: and when thy father cometh to see thee, say unto him, I pray thee, let my sister Tamar come, and give me meat, and dress the meat in my sight, that I may see {it}, and eat {it} at her hand.
Amnon played it off as sick, and when the king came to check in, he was like, "Yo, can Tamar come and make me some cakes so I can eat?"
So Amnon lay down, and made himself sick: and when the king was come to see him, Amnon said unto the king, I pray thee, let Tamar my sister come, and make me a couple of cakes in my sight, that I may eat at her hand.
So David told Tamar, "Slide over to your bro Amnon’s spot and whip him up some food."
Then David sent home to Tamar, saying, Go now to thy brother Amnon's house, and dress him meat.
Tamar hit up Amnon's pad, and he was chilling in bed. She took some flour, kneaded it, and made those cakes right in front of him.
So Tamar went to her brother Amnon's house; and he was laid down. And she took flour, and kneaded {it}, and made cakes in his sight, and did bake the cakes. {flour: or, paste}
She served them up, but he was like, "Nah, I’m good. Everyone bail."
And she took a pan, and poured {them} out before him; but he refused to eat. And Amnon said, Have out all men from me. And they went out every man from him.
Amnon told Tamar, "Bring the food into the room so I can eat from your hands." So Tamar took the cakes she made and brought them to Amnon.
And Amnon said unto Tamar, Bring the meat into the chamber, that I may eat of thine hand. And Tamar took the cakes which she had made, and brought {them} into the chamber to Amnon her brother.
Then she brought them over to him to eat, and he was like, "Yo, come kick it with me, fam."
And when she had brought {them} unto him to eat, he took hold of her, and said unto her, Come lie with me, my sister.
She responded, "Nah, bro, don’t push it; that’s mad sus in Israel. Don’t do this wild stuff."
And she answered him, Nay, my brother, do not force me; for no such thing ought to be done in Israel: do not thou this folly. {force...: Heb. humble me} {no such...: Heb. it ought not so to be done}
And I’m just like, where am I supposed to go with this shame? You’ll look like a fool in Israel. Just talk to the king; he won’t block me from you.
And I, whither shall I cause my shame to go? and as for thee, thou shalt be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, I pray thee, speak unto the king; for he will not withhold me from thee.
But he wasn’t hearing it; he was too strong, so he forced it and got with her.
Howbeit he would not hearken unto her voice: but, being stronger than she, forced her, and lay with her.
After that, Amnon was totally hating her; his hate was way worse than any love he had for her. He told her, "Bounce outta here."
Then Amnon hated her exceedingly; so that the hatred wherewith he hated her {was} greater than the love wherewith he had loved her. And Amnon said unto her, Arise, be gone. {exceedingly: Heb. with great hatred greatly}
She was like, "This is whack; sending me away is worse than what you just did." But he wouldn’t listen.
And she said unto him, {There is} no cause: this evil in sending me away {is} greater than the other that thou didst unto me. But he would not hearken unto her.
Then he called his servant, saying, "Get this girl outta here and lock the door behind her."
Then he called his servant that ministered unto him, and said, Put now this {woman} out from me, and bolt the door after her.
She was rocking this dope multi-colored outfit; that’s how the king's daughters do. His servant kicked her out and locked the door.
And {she had} a garment of divers colours upon her: for with such robes were the king's daughters {that were} virgins apparelled. Then his servant brought her out, and bolted the door after her.
Tamar put ashes on her head, tore her fly outfit, and cried hard.
And Tamar put ashes on her head, and rent her garment of divers colours that {was} on her, and laid her hand on her head, and went on crying.
Absalom, her bro, asked her, "Did Amnon mess with you? Just chill, sis; he’s your brother. Don’t let this drag you down." So Tamar felt empty at Absalom’s place.
And Absalom her brother said unto her, Hath Amnon thy brother been with thee? but hold now thy peace, my sister: he {is} thy brother; regard not this thing. So Tamar remained desolate in her brother Absalom's house. {Amnon: Heb. Aminon} {regard...: Heb. set not thy heart} {desolate: Heb. and desolate}
But when King David caught wind of all this tea, he was super mad, no cap.
But when king David heard of all these things, he was very wroth.
And Absalom was talking to his bro Amnon, but like, he had no good vibes, 'cause he straight-up hated him for what he did to Tamar.
And Absalom spake unto his brother Amnon neither good nor bad: for Absalom hated Amnon, because he had forced his sister Tamar.
After two entire years, Absalom threw a sheepshearing party in Baal-hazor, just chilling next to Ephraim, and he invited all the king’s sons, lit.
And it came to pass after two full years, that Absalom had sheepshearers in Baalhazor, which {is} beside Ephraim: and Absalom invited all the king's sons.
Absalom rolled up to the king and was like, "Yo, I got sheepshearers; let’s vibe, king, you and your crew slide with me."
And Absalom came to the king, and said, Behold now, thy servant hath sheepshearers; let the king, I beseech thee, and his servants go with thy servant.
The king was like, "Nah, my dude, let’s not all roll out, we don’t wanna be a hassle." But Absalom kept pushing, so he just blessed him instead.
And the king said to Absalom, Nay, my son, let us not all now go, lest we be chargeable unto thee. And he pressed him: howbeit he would not go, but blessed him.
Then Absalom was like, "If not, can my bro Amnon roll with us?" And the king was like, "Why should he roll with you?"
Then said Absalom, If not, I pray thee, let my brother Amnon go with us. And the king said unto him, Why should he go with thee?
But Absalom kept it going, and eventually got the king to let Amnon and all the king’s sons roll with him, periodt.
But Absalom pressed him, that he let Amnon and all the king's sons go with him.
Now Absalom was telling his crew, "Yo, keep an eye on Amnon when he’s feeling lit off the wine, and when I say 'go,' take him out; I got your back, be strong."
Now Absalom had commanded his servants, saying, Mark ye now when Amnon's heart is merry with wine, and when I say unto you, Smite Amnon; then kill him, fear not: have not I commanded you? be courageous, and be valiant. {have...: or, will you not, since I have commanded you?} {valiant: Heb. sons of valour}
And Absalom's squad did exactly what he said. Then all the king’s sons bounced on their mules and dipped out.
And the servants of Absalom did unto Amnon as Absalom had commanded. Then all the king's sons arose, and every man gat him up upon his mule, and fled. {gat...: Heb. rode}
While they were headed out, word hit David that Absalom took out all the king’s sons, and there wasn’t a single one left, sus.
And it came to pass, while they were in the way, that tidings came to David, saying, Absalom hath slain all the king's sons, and there is not one of them left.
Then the king got up, ripped his fit, and laid on the ground; all his crew was standing there looking sus with their clothes torn.
Then the king arose, and tare his garments, and lay on the earth; and all his servants stood by with their clothes rent.
Jonadab, son of David's bro Shimeah, was like, "Yo, don’t think all the king’s sons are gone; Amnon's the only one who got clapped. This was all Absalom's doing since he did his sis Tamar dirty."
And Jonadab, the son of Shimeah David's brother, answered and said, Let not my lord suppose {that} they have slain all the young men the king's sons; for Amnon only is dead: for by the appointment of Absalom this hath been determined from the day that he forced his sister Tamar. {appointment: Heb. mouth} {determined: or, settled}
So, for real, don’t stress, my lord; not all the king’s sons are out; Amnon’s the only one who’s dead.
Now therefore let not my lord the king take the thing to his heart, to think that all the king's sons are dead: for Amnon only is dead.
But Absalom bounced. The lookout dude peeped and saw a whole crew coming down the hill behind him.
But Absalom fled. And the young man that kept the watch lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, there came much people by the way of the hill side behind him.
Jonadab told the king, "Yo, the king’s sons are rolling up: just like I said, it’s true."
And Jonadab said unto the king, Behold, the king's sons come: as thy servant said, so it is. {as thy...: Heb. according to the word of thy servant}
And as soon as he finished talking, boom, the king’s sons showed up, crying hard; even the king and his crew were weeping heavy.
And it came to pass, as soon as he had made an end of speaking, that, behold, the king's sons came, and lifted up their voice and wept: and the king also and all his servants wept very sore. {very...: Heb. with a great weeping greatly}
But Absalom dipped and went to Talmai, Ammihud's son, king of Geshur. David was lowkey mourning for his son every single day.
But Absalom fled, and went to Talmai, the son of Ammihud, king of Geshur. And {David} mourned for his son every day. {Ammihud: or, Ammihur}
So Absalom ghosted to Geshur and chilled there for three years.
So Absalom fled, and went to Geshur, and was there three years.
And King David was really missing Absalom; he felt better about Amnon since he was outta the picture.
And {the soul of} king David longed to go forth unto Absalom: for he was comforted concerning Amnon, seeing he was dead. {longed: or, was consumed}