2 Samuel Chapter 11
So, a year rolled by, and when kings typically head out to war, David hit up Joab and the whole crew from Israel to go handle the Ammonites and surround Rabbah. Meanwhile, David was just chilling in Jerusalem, no cap.
And it came to pass, after the year was expired, at the time when kings go forth {to battle}, that David sent Joab, and his servants with him, and all Israel; and they destroyed the children of Ammon, and besieged Rabbah. But David tarried still at Jerusalem. {after...: Heb. at the return of the year, or, in the spring}
One evening, David got up from his bed, strolled on the palace roof, and peeped this fine girl washing up; she was looking real good, fr.
And it came to pass in an eveningtide, that David arose from off his bed, and walked upon the roof of the king's house: and from the roof he saw a woman washing herself; and the woman {was} very beautiful to look upon.
David was intrigued and asked who she was. Someone replied, "Isn't that Bath-sheba, daughter of Eliam and Uriah the Hittite's wife?"
And David sent and enquired after the woman. And {one} said, {Is} not this Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam, the wife of Uriah the Hittite? {Bathsheba: or, Bathshuah} {Eliam: or Ammiel}
David sent some messengers to bring her over, and they got together; she just finished her cleanse and then went back home.
And David sent messengers, and took her; and she came in unto him, and he lay with her; for she was purified from her uncleanness: and she returned unto her house. {for she...: or, and when she had purified herself, etc, she returned}
The woman found out she was pregnant and hit up David, saying, "Yo, I’m expecting now."
And the woman conceived, and sent and told David, and said, I {am} with child.
David messaged Joab, "Send me Uriah the Hittite," and Joab brought Uriah to David.
And David sent to Joab, {saying}, Send me Uriah the Hittite. And Joab sent Uriah to David.
Once Uriah got to David, he asked how Joab and the squad were doing and how the battle was going down.
And when Uriah was come unto him, David demanded {of him} how Joab did, and how the people did, and how the war prospered. {how Joab...: Heb. of the peace of, etc}
David told Uriah, "Go home and chill, wash your feet." Uriah left the king's house, and David sent him some food.
And David said to Uriah, Go down to thy house, and wash thy feet. And Uriah departed out of the king's house, and there followed him a mess {of meat} from the king. {followed...: Heb. went out after him}
But Uriah crashed at the door of the king’s house with all the homies, didn’t even go home.
But Uriah slept at the door of the king's house with all the servants of his lord, and went not down to his house.
When David found out Uriah didn’t go home, he was like, "Didn’t you just get back? Why didn’t you head home?"
And when they had told David, saying, Uriah went not down unto his house, David said unto Uriah, Camest thou not from {thy} journey? why {then} didst thou not go down unto thine house?
Uriah’s response was, “Yo, the ark and my crew are chilling in tents; Joab and my squad are out in the fields. Should I bounce to my crib to eat and vibe with my wife? Nah fam, I ain’t about that life.”
And Uriah said unto David, The ark, and Israel, and Judah, abide in tents; and my lord Joab, and the servants of my lord, are encamped in the open fields; shall I then go into mine house, to eat and to drink, and to lie with my wife? {as} thou livest, and {as} thy soul liveth, I will not do this thing.
David was like, “Stay here today, and tomorrow I’ll let you dip.” So Uriah just kicked it in Jerusalem for that day and the next.
And David said to Uriah, Tarry here to day also, and to morrow I will let thee depart. So Uriah abode in Jerusalem that day, and the morrow.
David called him over, they ate and drank, and David got him lit; but when night came, Uriah crashed with the servants, not going home.
And when David had called him, he did eat and drink before him; and he made him drunk: and at even he went out to lie on his bed with the servants of his lord, but went not down to his house.
The next morning, David penned a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver.
And it came to pass in the morning, that David wrote a letter to Joab, and sent {it} by the hand of Uriah.
He wrote, “Put Uriah in the front of the wildest battle, then bounce back so he can get wrecked and die.”
And he wrote in the letter, saying, Set ye Uriah in the forefront of the hottest battle, and retire ye from him, that he may be smitten, and die. {hottest: Heb. strong} {from him: Heb. from after him}
When Joab checked out the city, he put Uriah where the real Gs were fighting.
And it came to pass, when Joab observed the city, that he assigned Uriah unto a place where he knew that valiant men {were}.
The city’s crew charged out and clashed with Joab; some of David’s squad fell, and Uriah the Hittite got taken out too.
And the men of the city went out, and fought with Joab: and there fell {some} of the people of the servants of David; and Uriah the Hittite died also.
Then Joab messaged David with all the war details;
Then Joab sent and told David all the things concerning the war;
and told the messenger, “When you finish spilling the tea about the war to the king,
And charged the messenger, saying, When thou hast made an end of telling the matters of the war unto the king,
if the king gets mad and asks, ‘Why’d you get so close to the city during the fight? Didn’t you know they’d shoot from the walls?’
And if so be that the king's wrath arise, and he say unto thee, Wherefore approached ye so nigh unto the city when ye did fight? knew ye not that they would shoot from the wall?
Who took out Abimelech, Jerubbesheth's kid? A whole woman dropped a millstone on him from the wall, and he was done in Thebez. Why y'all roll up to the wall? Also, let Joab know that Uriah the Hittite is dead, no cap.
Who smote Abimelech the son of Jerubbesheth? did not a woman cast a piece of a millstone upon him from the wall, that he died in Thebez? why went ye nigh the wall? then say thou, Thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also. {Jerubbesheth: also called, Jerubbaal}
So the messenger took off, came through, and told David everything Joab wanted him to know.
So the messenger went, and came and shewed David all that Joab had sent him for.
The messenger was like, "For real, the guys came at us hard, and we pushed back, but we got hit right at the gate."
And the messenger said unto David, Surely the men prevailed against us, and came out unto us into the field, and we were upon them even unto the entering of the gate.
The archers were firing from the wall at your crew; some of the king’s homies are gone, and Uriah the Hittite is dead too.
And the shooters shot from off the wall upon thy servants; and {some} of the king's servants be dead, and thy servant Uriah the Hittite is dead also.
Then David told the messenger, "Tell Joab not to sweat this, bro. The sword takes everyone out, so tell him to amp up the fight against the city and crush it. Give him some rizz."
Then David said unto the messenger, Thus shalt thou say unto Joab, Let not this thing displease thee, for the sword devoureth one as well as another: make thy battle more strong against the city, and overthrow it: and encourage thou him. {displease...: Heb. be evil in thine eyes} {one...: Heb. so and such}
When Uriah's wife found out her dude was gone, she was straight-up bummed out.
And when the wife of Uriah heard that Uriah her husband was dead, she mourned for her husband.
After the mourning was over, David sent for her to come to his crib, and she became his wife and had a son. But what David did was sus to the Lord.
And when the mourning was past, David sent and fetched her to his house, and she became his wife, and bare him a son. But the thing that David had done displeased the LORD. {displeased: Heb. was evil in the eyes of}