2 Samuel Chapter 10
So, the king of the Ammonites passed away, and his son Hanun stepped up as the new ruler. Major vibes.
And it came to pass after this, that the king of the children of Ammon died, and Hanun his son reigned in his stead.
David was like, "I need to show some love to Hanun, just like his dad did for me." So, he dispatched his homies to comfort him.
Then said David, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, as his father shewed kindness unto me. And David sent to comfort him by the hand of his servants for his father. And David's servants came into the land of the children of Ammon.
The Ammonite nobles were like, "You think David's just here to pay respect to your dad? Nah, he's low-key sending the squad to spy on the city."
And the princes of the children of Ammon said unto Hanun their lord, Thinkest thou that David doth honour thy father, that he hath sent comforters unto thee? hath not David {rather} sent his servants unto thee, to search the city, and to spy it out, and to overthrow it? {Thinkest...: Heb. In thine eyes doth David}
Hanun totally dissed David's crew, half-shaved their beards, and shredded their outfits. Savage move.
Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved off the one half of their beards, and cut off their garments in the middle, {even} to their buttocks, and sent them away.
When David got the 411, he was like, "Yo, just chill in Jericho until your beards grow back, then come back through."
When they told {it} unto David, he sent to meet them, because the men were greatly ashamed: and the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and {then} return.
The Ammonites peeped that they were looking sus to David, so they hired a whole squad of Syrians to back them up.
And when the children of Ammon saw that they stank before David, the children of Ammon sent and hired the Syrians of Bethrehob, and the Syrians of Zoba, twenty thousand footmen, and of king Maacah a thousand men, and of Ishtob twelve thousand men. {Ishtob: or, the men of Tob}
When David caught wind of this, he sent Joab and his homies, ready to pop off.
And when David heard of {it}, he sent Joab, and all the host of the mighty men.
The Ammonites lined up for a brawl at the gate, while the Syrians were flexing in the field.
And the children of Ammon came out, and put the battle in array at the entering in of the gate: and the Syrians of Zoba, and of Rehob, and Ishtob, and Maacah, {were} by themselves in the field.
Joab noticed that the battle was lit on both sides, so he selected the finest of Israel to take on the Syrians.
When Joab saw that the front of the battle was against him before and behind, he chose of all the choice {men} of Israel, and put {them} in array against the Syrians:
He handed the rest of the squad to his bro Abishai to deal with the Ammonites.
And the rest of the people he delivered into the hand of Abishai his brother, that he might put {them} in array against the children of Ammon.
Joab said, "If the Syrians are too strong for me, you got my six. If the Ammonites give you a tough time, I’ll roll up and back you up."
And he said, If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me: but if the children of Ammon be too strong for thee, then I will come and help thee.
"Stay brave, and let’s show out for our people and cities. God’s got this. No cap."
Be of good courage, and let us play the men for our people, and for the cities of our God: and the LORD do that which seemeth him good.
Joab and his crew charged into the fray against the Syrians, and they dipped quick.
And Joab drew nigh, and the people that {were} with him, unto the battle against the Syrians: and they fled before him.
When the Ammonites saw the Syrians bounce, they also turned tail and fled back to the city. Joab then headed back to Jerusalem.
And when the children of Ammon saw that the Syrians were fled, then fled they also before Abishai, and entered into the city. So Joab returned from the children of Ammon, and came to Jerusalem.
The Syrians, realizing they got wrecked by Israel, gathered together for a rematch.
And when the Syrians saw that they were smitten before Israel, they gathered themselves together.
Hadarezer called in the Syrians from beyond the river, and they showed up at Helam, led by Shobach, their captain.
And Hadarezer sent, and brought out the Syrians that {were} beyond the river: and they came to Helam; and Shobach the captain of the host of Hadarezer {went} before them. {the river: that is, Euphrates} {Shobach: or, Shophach}
When David got the scoop, he rallied all of Israel, crossed the Jordan, and rolled up to Helam. The Syrians lined up to face David.
And when it was told David, he gathered all Israel together, and passed over Jordan, and came to Helam. And the Syrians set themselves in array against David, and fought with him.
The Syrians were outta there, and David took out 700 chariots and 40k horsemen, plus Shobach, who didn’t make it out.
And the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew {the men of} seven hundred chariots of the Syrians, and forty thousand horsemen, and smote Shobach the captain of their host, who died there. {horsemen: also called, footmen}
When the kings serving Hadarezer saw they were defeated, they made nice with Israel and bowed down. The Syrians were like, "Nah, we ain't helping the Ammonites anymore."
And when all the kings {that were} servants to Hadarezer saw that they were smitten before Israel, they made peace with Israel, and served them. So the Syrians feared to help the children of Ammon any more.