2 Kings Chapter 9
So Elisha the prophet hit up one of the young homies and said, "Get ready, grab this oil container, and bounce to Ramoth–gilead, quick."
And Elisha the prophet called one of the children of the prophets, and said unto him, Gird up thy loins, and take this box of oil in thine hand, and go to Ramothgilead:
Once you arrive, peep Jehu, son of Jehoshaphat, son of Nimshi, and go in, wake him up from his crew, and take him to a chill spot.
And when thou comest thither, look out there Jehu the son of Jehoshaphat the son of Nimshi, and go in, and make him arise up from among his brethren, and carry him to an inner chamber; {inner...: Heb. chamber in a chamber}
Then pour the oil on his head and say, "God's got your back, you’re the new king of Israel." Then just dip, no cap.
Then take the box of oil, and pour {it} on his head, and say, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel. Then open the door, and flee, and tarry not.
So the young dude, the prophet, made his way to Ramoth–gilead.
So the young man, {even} the young man the prophet, went to Ramothgilead.
When he rolled in, the captains were vibing, and he said, "Yo, I got a message for you, captain." Jehu was like, "For which one of us?" He replied, "For you, captain."
And when he came, behold, the captains of the host {were} sitting; and he said, I have an errand to thee, O captain. And Jehu said, Unto which of all us? And he said, To thee, O captain.
He stood up, went inside, poured the oil on his head, and said, "God of Israel says, you’re now king over the Lord's people, Israel."
And he arose, and went into the house; and he poured the oil on his head, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I have anointed thee king over the people of the LORD, {even} over Israel.
You’re gonna take down Ahab's place to get back at Jezebel for my prophet homies’ blood.
And thou shalt smite the house of Ahab thy master, that I may avenge the blood of my servants the prophets, and the blood of all the servants of the LORD, at the hand of Jezebel.
The entire house of Ahab is getting wiped out: I’ll get rid of anyone hanging against the wall, and anyone left in Israel.
For the whole house of Ahab shall perish: and I will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel:
I’ll make Ahab's house like Jeroboam’s and Baasha’s houses, fr.
And I will make the house of Ahab like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah:
And the dogs will chow down on Jezebel in Jezreel, and no one's gonna bury her. Then he opened the door and bounced.
And the dogs shall eat Jezebel in the portion of Jezreel, and {there shall be} none to bury {her}. And he opened the door, and fled.
Jehu returned to his crew, and one was like, "You good? Why's this wild dude here?" He said, "You know the vibes and what he’s about."
Then Jehu came forth to the servants of his lord: and {one} said unto him, {Is} all well? wherefore came this mad {fellow} to thee? And he said unto them, Ye know the man, and his communication.
They were like, "Nah, that’s sus; spill the tea." Jehu replied, "He told me straight up, 'The Lord’s got you anointed as king over Israel.'"
And they said, {It is} false; tell us now. And he said, Thus and thus spake he to me, saying, Thus saith the LORD, I have anointed thee king over Israel.
They got hyped, dropped their fits on the stairs, and blew trumpets, shouting, "Jehu's the king!"
Then they hasted, and took every man his garment, and put {it} under him on the top of the stairs, and blew with trumpets, saying, Jehu is king. {is king: Heb. reigneth}
So Jehu, son of Jehoshaphat, plotted against Joram. (Joram was holding down Ramoth-gilead with all of Israel ‘cause of Hazael, the king of Syria.)
So Jehu the son of Jehoshaphat the son of Nimshi conspired against Joram. (Now Joram had kept Ramothgilead, he and all Israel, because of Hazael king of Syria.
But King Joram was chilling in Jezreel healing from the wounds the Syrians gave him when he clashed with Hazael. Jehu was like, "If you’re all in, no one leaves the city to spill the tea in Jezreel."
But king Joram was returned to be healed in Jezreel of the wounds which the Syrians had given him, when he fought with Hazael king of Syria.) And Jehu said, If it be your minds, {then} let none go forth {nor} escape out of the city to go to tell {it} in Jezreel. {Joram: Heb. Jehoram but not in verse sixteen} {had given: Heb. smote} {let none...: Heb. let no escaper go, etc}
Jehu jumped in a chariot and headed to Jezreel since Joram was there. Ahaziah, king of Judah, came to peep on Joram.
So Jehu rode in a chariot, and went to Jezreel; for Joram lay there. And Ahaziah king of Judah was come down to see Joram.
A lookout on the tower in Jezreel spotted Jehu's crew and said, "I see a squad coming." Joram was like, "Send a horseman to holla at them and ask if it's all good."
And there stood a watchman on the tower in Jezreel, and he spied the company of Jehu as he came, and said, I see a company. And Joram said, Take an horseman, and send to meet them, and let him say, {Is it} peace?
A horseman rode out to meet him and said, "The king wants to know, is it peace?" Jehu was like, "What’s your deal with peace? Just roll back." The lookout reported, "The messenger went out but didn’t come back."
So there went one on horseback to meet him, and said, Thus saith the king, {Is it} peace? And Jehu said, What hast thou to do with peace? turn thee behind me. And the watchman told, saying, The messenger came to them, but he cometh not again.
Then he sent out another horseman, who asked the same thing, "Is it peace?" Jehu replied, "What’s your deal with peace? Just roll back."
Then he sent out a second on horseback, which came to them, and said, Thus saith the king, {Is it} peace? And Jehu answered, What hast thou to do with peace? turn thee behind me.
The lookout said, "He went to them but didn’t return; the driving's like Jehu, son of Nimshi—dude's going full send."
And the watchman told, saying, He came even unto them, and cometh not again: and the driving {is} like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi; for he driveth furiously. {driving: or, marching} {furiously: Heb. in madness}
Joram was like, "Get it ready," and his ride was all set. So Joram, king of Israel, and Ahaziah, king of Judah, rolled out in their chariots to meet Jehu in Naboth's territory.
And Joram said, Make ready. And his chariot was made ready. And Joram king of Israel and Ahaziah king of Judah went out, each in his chariot, and they went out against Jehu, and met him in the portion of Naboth the Jezreelite. {Make ready: Heb. Bind} {met: Heb. found}
When Joram spotted Jehu, he asked, "Yo, is it chill, Jehu?" Jehu was like, "Chill? Nah, not while your mom Jezebel's out here wildin' and doing her witchcraft."
And it came to pass, when Joram saw Jehu, that he said, {Is it} peace, Jehu? And he answered, What peace, so long as the whoredoms of thy mother Jezebel and her witchcrafts {are so} many?
Joram was like, "Nah," and bounced, telling Ahaziah, "This is sus, bro."
And Joram turned his hands, and fled, and said to Ahaziah, {There is} treachery, O Ahaziah.
Jehu pulled back his bow with all his rizz and hit Jehoram right in the heart, and he just dropped in his chariot.
And Jehu drew a bow with his full strength, and smote Jehoram between his arms, and the arrow went out at his heart, and he sunk down in his chariot. {drew...: Heb. filled his hand with a bow} {sunk: Heb. bowed}
Jehu told his homie Bidkar, "Take him and toss him in Naboth's field, 'cause remember when we rolled with Ahab? The Lord put this on us."
Then said {Jehu} to Bidkar his captain, Take up, {and} cast him in the portion of the field of Naboth the Jezreelite: for remember how that, when I and thou rode together after Ahab his father, the LORD laid this burden upon him;
"I saw Naboth's blood and his sons' blood yesterday," says the Lord; "I’m gonna get you back for that, no cap. So toss him in the ground like I told you."
Surely I have seen yesterday the blood of Naboth, and the blood of his sons, saith the LORD; and I will requite thee in this plat, saith the LORD. Now therefore take {and} cast him into the plat {of ground}, according to the word of the LORD. {blood: Heb. bloods} {plat: or, portion}
When Ahaziah saw this, he dipped through the garden, and Jehu chased him down, saying, "Get him too in the chariot." They did that at Gur, near Ibleam. He ran to Megiddo and bit the dust there.
But when Ahaziah the king of Judah saw {this}, he fled by the way of the garden house. And Jehu followed after him, and said, Smite him also in the chariot. {And they did so} at the going up to Gur, which {is} by Ibleam. And he fled to Megiddo, and died there.
His crew took him back in a chariot to Jerusalem and buried him with his fam in David's city.
And his servants carried him in a chariot to Jerusalem, and buried him in his sepulchre with his fathers in the city of David.
In the eleventh year of Joram, Ahab's son, Ahaziah started flexing his reign over Judah.
And in the eleventh year of Joram the son of Ahab began Ahaziah to reign over Judah.
When Jehu rolled up to Jezreel, Jezebel heard the tea; she got all glammed up, did her makeup, and peeked out the window.
And when Jehu was come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard {of it}; and she painted her face, and tired her head, and looked out at a window. {painted...: Heb. put her eyes in painting}
As Jehu pulled up to the gate, she was like, "Did Zimri have a chill vibe when he took out his boss?"
And as Jehu entered in at the gate, she said, {Had} Zimri peace, who slew his master?
He looked up at the window and was like, "Who’s got my back? Who?" A couple of eunuchs peeked out.
And he lifted up his face to the window, and said, Who {is} on my side? who? And there looked out to him two {or} three eunuchs. {eunuchs: or, chamberlains}
He was like, "Just toss her down." So they threw her down, and some of her blood splattered on the wall and the horses, and he stepped on her like it was nothing.
And he said, Throw her down. So they threw her down: and {some} of her blood was sprinkled on the wall, and on the horses: and he trode her under foot.
When he got inside, he ate and drank, then said, "Go check out this cursed woman and give her a proper burial; she’s a king’s daughter, fr."
And when he was come in, he did eat and drink, and said, Go, see now this cursed {woman}, and bury her: for she {is} a king's daughter.
They went to bury her but only found her skull, feet, and hands, like, seriously?
And they went to bury her: but they found no more of her than the skull, and the feet, and the palms of {her} hands.
They came back and told him what was up. He said, "This is what the Lord said through Elijah the Tishbite: Dogs are gonna chow down on Jezebel in Jezreel."
Wherefore they came again, and told him. And he said, This {is} the word of the LORD, which he spake by his servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, In the portion of Jezreel shall dogs eat the flesh of Jezebel: {by: Heb. by the hand of}
Jezebel's body is gonna be like trash in the field in Jezreel, so no one will even say, "This was Jezebel," periodt.
And the carcase of Jezebel shall be as dung upon the face of the field in the portion of Jezreel; {so} that they shall not say, This {is} Jezebel.