2 Kings Chapter 6
The prophet crew was like, 'Yo Elisha, our place is way too cramped for us.'
And the sons of the prophets said unto Elisha, Behold now, the place where we dwell with thee is too strait for us.
They suggested, 'Let’s jet to Jordan, grab some logs, and build a chill spot.' Elisha was like, 'For sure.'
Let us go, we pray thee, unto Jordan, and take thence every man a beam, and let us make us a place there, where we may dwell. And he answered, Go ye.
One guy said, 'You gotta roll with us.' Elisha was like, 'Count me in.'
And one said, Be content, I pray thee, and go with thy servants. And he answered, I will go.
So he tagged along, and when they hit up Jordan, they were chopping wood.
So he went with them. And when they came to Jordan, they cut down wood.
But while one dude was chopping, the axe head went into the water, and he lost it, 'Oh no, master! I borrowed that!'
But as one was felling a beam, the axe head fell into the water: and he cried, and said, Alas, master! for it was borrowed. {axe head: Heb. iron}
The man of God asked, 'Where’d it go in?' He pointed to the spot. Then he cut a stick, tossed it in, and the iron was like, 'I can swim!'
And the man of God said, Where fell it? And he shewed him the place. And he cut down a stick, and cast {it} in thither; and the iron did swim.
He said, 'Pick it up.' The guy reached out and snatched it.
Therefore said he, Take {it} up to thee. And he put out his hand, and took it.
Then the king of Syria was scheming against Israel, telling his crew, 'I’m setting up here.'
Then the king of Syria warred against Israel, and took counsel with his servants, saying, In such and such a place {shall be} my camp. {camp: or, encamping}
The man of God hit up the king of Israel, saying, 'Yo, don’t go there; the Syrians are lurking.'
And the man of God sent unto the king of Israel, saying, Beware that thou pass not such a place; for thither the Syrians are come down.
The king of Israel checked the spot the man of God warned him about and dodged the heat, not just once but twice.
And the king of Israel sent to the place which the man of God told him and warned him of, and saved himself there, not once nor twice.
The king of Syria was stressed out about this, so he gathered his crew and was like, 'Who’s the snitch for the king of Israel?'
Therefore the heart of the king of Syria was sore troubled for this thing; and he called his servants, and said unto them, Will ye not shew me which of us {is} for the king of Israel?
One of his homies said, 'Nah, my dude, but Elisha, the prophet in Israel, be dropping knowledge to the king about your late-night plans.'
And one of his servants said, None, my lord, O king: but Elisha, the prophet that {is} in Israel, telleth the king of Israel the words that thou speakest in thy bedchamber. {None: Heb. No}
So he told them, 'Go track down where he’s at so I can send for him.' They said, 'He’s chilling in Dothan.'
And he said, Go and spy where he {is}, that I may send and fetch him. And it was told him, saying, Behold, {he is} in Dothan.
So he sent a squad with horses and chariots, a whole army, and they rolled up at night, surrounding the city.
Therefore sent he thither horses, and chariots, and a great host: and they came by night, and compassed the city about. {great: Heb. heavy}
When the servant of the man of God woke up early and saw the city surrounded by horses and chariots, he was like, 'Yo, what’s our move?'
And when the servant of the man of God was risen early, and gone forth, behold, an host compassed the city both with horses and chariots. And his servant said unto him, Alas, my master! how shall we do? {the servant: or, the minister}
He replied, 'Chill, fam. We got more on our side than they do.'
And he answered, Fear not: for they that {be} with us {are} more than they that {be} with them.
Elisha prayed, 'Lord, open his eyes so he can see.' And the Lord opened the young dude's eyes; he peeped the mountains filled with fiery horses and chariots around Elisha.
And Elisha prayed, and said, LORD, I pray thee, open his eyes, that he may see. And the LORD opened the eyes of the young man; and he saw: and, behold, the mountain {was} full of horses and chariots of fire round about Elisha.
When they came down to him, Elisha prayed to the Lord, 'Blind this crew, please.' And He did, just like Elisha asked.
And when they came down to him, Elisha prayed unto the LORD, and said, Smite this people, I pray thee, with blindness. And he smote them with blindness according to the word of Elisha.
Elisha was like, 'This ain’t the way or the city; follow me, and I’ll take you to the guy you’re after.' But he led them to Samaria.
And Elisha said unto them, This {is} not the way, neither {is} this the city: follow me, and I will bring you to the man whom ye seek. But he led them to Samaria. {follow...: Heb. come ye after me}
Once they hit Samaria, Elisha was like, 'Lord, open their eyes so they can see.' And the Lord opened their eyes, and they realized they were in the heart of Samaria.
And it came to pass, when they were come into Samaria, that Elisha said, LORD, open the eyes of these {men}, that they may see. And the LORD opened their eyes, and they saw; and, behold, {they were} in the midst of Samaria.
The king of Israel asked Elisha, 'Yo, should I just take them out? Like, should I pop off?'
And the king of Israel said unto Elisha, when he saw them, My father, shall I smite {them}? shall I smite {them}?
Elisha was like, 'Nah fam, don’t kill them. You really gonna mess up those you just snagged? Just give them some bread and water, let them vibe out and head back to their boss.'
And he answered, Thou shalt not smite {them}: wouldest thou smite those whom thou hast taken captive with thy sword and with thy bow? set bread and water before them, that they may eat and drink, and go to their master.
He hooked them up with a feast: after they ate and drank, he sent them off, and they didn’t roll back to Israel anymore. That was a straight-up win.
And he prepared great provision for them: and when they had eaten and drunk, he sent them away, and they went to their master. So the bands of Syria came no more into the land of Israel.
Then Ben-hadad, the king of Syria, gathered his whole squad and came to besiege Samaria.
And it came to pass after this, that Benhadad king of Syria gathered all his host, and went up, and besieged Samaria.
Samaria was in a major famine, like, it was wild. They were selling donkey heads for mad cash and dove poop was going for a small fortune.
And there was a great famine in Samaria: and, behold, they besieged it, until an ass's head was {sold} for fourscore {pieces} of silver, and the fourth part of a cab of dove's dung for five {pieces} of silver.
The king of Israel was chilling by the wall when a woman shouted, 'Help me, my dude, oh king!'
And as the king of Israel was passing by upon the wall, there cried a woman unto him, saying, Help, my lord, O king.
He replied, 'If God ain’t got your back, how am I supposed to help? From the barn or the winepress?'
And he said, If the LORD do not help thee, whence shall I help thee? out of the barnfloor, or out of the winepress? {If...: or, Let not the LORD save thee}
The king asked her, 'What’s the sitch?' She said, 'This other woman told me to give up my son so we could eat him today, and then we’d eat her son tomorrow.'
And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow.
So we boiled my son and ate him, and the next day I asked her for her son, but she was sus and hid him.
So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son. {next: Heb. other}
When the king caught wind of what she said, he tore his clothes and was like, 'This is too much!' He strolled by the wall, and everyone saw he was rocking sackcloth underneath.
And it came to pass, when the king heard the words of the woman, that he rent his clothes; and he passed by upon the wall, and the people looked, and, behold, {he had} sackcloth within upon his flesh.
Then he said, 'God do me dirty if Elisha's head ain't rolling today.'
Then he said, God do so and more also to me, if the head of Elisha the son of Shaphat shall stand on him this day.
But Elisha was chilling at home with the crew; the king sent a dude to him. Before the guy even got there, Elisha was like, 'Yo, check this out, the son of a murderer is coming for my head. When the messenger arrives, lock the door and hold him tight; ain't that the sound of his boss behind him?'
But Elisha sat in his house, and the elders sat with him; and {the king} sent a man from before him: but ere the messenger came to him, he said to the elders, See ye how this son of a murderer hath sent to take away mine head? look, when the messenger cometh, shut the door, and hold him fast at the door: {is} not the sound of his master's feet behind him?
While he was still chatting, the messenger showed up, and Elisha said, 'This mess is from the Lord; why should I wait on Him any longer?'
And while he yet talked with them, behold, the messenger came down unto him: and he said, Behold, this evil {is} of the LORD; what should I wait for the LORD any longer?