2 Kings Chapter 4
So, there was this lady whose husband was a prophet, and she was like, "Yo, my dude's gone, and you know he was all about that God life. Now some guy wants to take my two kids as his servants."
Now there cried a certain woman of the wives of the sons of the prophets unto Elisha, saying, Thy servant my husband is dead; and thou knowest that thy servant did fear the LORD: and the creditor is come to take unto him my two sons to be bondmen.
Elisha was like, "Ayo, what do you need from me? What you got in the house?" She said, "I got nothing but a jar of oil, no cap."
And Elisha said unto her, What shall I do for thee? tell me, what hast thou in the house? And she said, Thine handmaid hath not any thing in the house, save a pot of oil.
Then he told her, "Go hit up your neighbors and borrow some empty jars, like, don't hold back on this one."
Then he said, Go, borrow thee vessels abroad of all thy neighbours, {even} empty vessels; borrow not a few. {borrow not...: or, scant not}
"When you come back, shut the door behind you and your sons, then pour that oil into all the jars, and keep the filled ones on the side."
And when thou art come in, thou shalt shut the door upon thee and upon thy sons, and shalt pour out into all those vessels, and thou shalt set aside that which is full.
So she bounced from him, locked the door with her sons, who brought her the jars, and she started pouring.
So she went from him, and shut the door upon her and upon her sons, who brought {the vessels} to her; and she poured out.
When the jars were full, she shouted to her son, "Yo, bring me another jar." He was like, "We out, no more jars left." And the oil just chillaxed.
And it came to pass, when the vessels were full, that she said unto her son, Bring me yet a vessel. And he said unto her, {There is} not a vessel more. And the oil stayed.
Then she went and told the man of God, and he said, "Go sell that oil, pay off your debts, and you and your kids can live off the rest. Periodt."
Then she came and told the man of God. And he said, Go, sell the oil, and pay thy debt, and live thou and thy children of the rest. {debt: or, creditor}
One day, Elisha was passing through Shunem, and there was this dope woman who was like, "You gotta eat with us." So, every time he passed by, he swung by for some bread.
And it fell on a day, that Elisha passed to Shunem, where {was} a great woman; and she constrained him to eat bread. And {so} it was, {that} as oft as he passed by, he turned in thither to eat bread. {it fell on a day: Heb. there was a day} {constrained him: Heb. laid hold on him}
She told her husband, "Babe, I'm pretty sure this dude is a holy man of God; he stops by us all the time."
And she said unto her husband, Behold now, I perceive that this {is} an holy man of God, which passeth by us continually.
"Let’s make him a little room on the wall and set up a bed, table, stool, and a lamp for him; when he comes, he can kick it here."
Let us make a little chamber, I pray thee, on the wall; and let us set for him there a bed, and a table, and a stool, and a candlestick: and it shall be, when he cometh to us, that he shall turn in thither.
One day, he rolled up to the crib, went to the room, and just laid down.
And it fell on a day, that he came thither, and he turned into the chamber, and lay there.
He told his buddy Gehazi, "Yo, get that Shunammite in here." When she showed up, she stood in front of him.
And he said to Gehazi his servant, Call this Shunammite. And when he had called her, she stood before him.
He asked her, "Yo, you've been super generous to us; what can we do for you? Need me to chat with the king or the captain?" She was like, "Nah, I’m good with my own people."
And he said unto him, Say now unto her, Behold, thou hast been careful for us with all this care; what {is} to be done for thee? wouldest thou be spoken for to the king, or to the captain of the host? And she answered, I dwell among mine own people.
He said, "So what's the deal for her?" Gehazi was like, "Fr, she can’t have kids, and her hubby's getting old."
And he said, What then {is} to be done for her? And Gehazi answered, Verily she hath no child, and her husband is old.
He said, "Call her over." When she came, she stood at the doorway.
And he said, Call her. And when he had called her, she stood in the door.
He told her, "This time next year, you’ll be rocking a son." She was like, "No cap, my dude, don’t play me like that."
And he said, About this season, according to the time of life, thou shalt embrace a son. And she said, Nay, my lord, {thou} man of God, do not lie unto thine handmaid. {season: Heb. set time}
The woman got pregnant and had a son just like Elisha said, right on time.
And the woman conceived, and bare a son at that season that Elisha had said unto her, according to the time of life.
When the kid was older, one day he went out to his dad where the harvesters were.
And when the child was grown, it fell on a day, that he went out to his father to the reapers.
He said to his dad, "My head, my head!" So the dad told a servant, "Take him to his mom."
And he said unto his father, My head, my head. And he said to a lad, Carry him to his mother.
The servant took him to his mom, and he sat on her lap till noon, then he passed away.
And when he had taken him, and brought him to his mother, he sat on her knees till noon, and {then} died.
She rolled up, laid him on the bed like a boss, shut the door, and dipped out.
And she went up, and laid him on the bed of the man of God, and shut {the door} upon him, and went out.
She hit up her hubby, like, "Yo, send me one of the young guys and a donkey so I can bounce to the man of God and be back soon."
And she called unto her husband, and said, Send me, I pray thee, one of the young men, and one of the asses, that I may run to the man of God, and come again.
He was like, "Why you wanna see him today? It ain't even a holiday." She replied, "It's all good, fr."
And he said, Wherefore wilt thou go to him to day? {it is} neither new moon, nor sabbath. And she said, {It shall be} well. {well: Heb. peace}
So she saddled a donkey and told her servant, "Let’s go, no chill unless I say so."
Then she saddled an ass, and said to her servant, Drive, and go forward; slack not {thy} riding for me, except I bid thee. {slack...: Heb. restrain not for me to ride}
She cruised to the man of God at Mount Carmel. When he spotted her from afar, he told Gehazi, "Yo, check it out, that's the Shunammite."
So she went and came unto the man of God to mount Carmel. And it came to pass, when the man of God saw her afar off, that he said to Gehazi his servant, Behold, {yonder is} that Shunammite:
"Run and catch her, ask if she’s good, if her hubby's good, and if the kid's good." She was like, "All good, periodt."
Run now, I pray thee, to meet her, and say unto her, {Is it} well with thee? {is it} well with thy husband? {is it} well with the child? And she answered, {It is} well.
When she reached the man of God on the hill, she grabbed his feet, but Gehazi tried to push her away. The man of God was like, "Chill, let her be; she’s stressed and I ain't got the scoop."
And when she came to the man of God to the hill, she caught him by the feet: but Gehazi came near to thrust her away. And the man of God said, Let her alone; for her soul {is} vexed within her: and the LORD hath hid {it} from me, and hath not told me. {him...: Heb. by his feet} {vexed: Heb. bitter}
Then she was like, "Did I even ask for a son? Didn’t I say, 'Don't play me'?"
Then she said, Did I desire a son of my lord? did I not say, Do not deceive me?
He told Gehazi, "Get your gear, take my staff, and dip. If you run into anyone, don’t even say what’s up; just lay my staff on the kid’s face."
Then he said to Gehazi, Gird up thy loins, and take my staff in thine hand, and go thy way: if thou meet any man, salute him not; and if any salute thee, answer him not again: and lay my staff upon the face of the child.
The kid's mom was like, "As the Lord lives and your soul lives, I’m not dipping without you." So he got up and followed her.
And the mother of the child said, {As} the LORD liveth, and {as} thy soul liveth, I will not leave thee. And he arose, and followed her.
Gehazi was like, "I got this," and laid the staff on the kid's face, but no vibes, no sound. So he bounced back to meet him, saying, "The kid's still snoozin'."
And Gehazi passed on before them, and laid the staff upon the face of the child; but {there was} neither voice, nor hearing. Wherefore he went again to meet him, and told him, saying, The child is not awaked. {hearing: Heb. attention}
Elisha rolled up into the crib, and bam, the kid was dead, just chilling on the bed.
And when Elisha was come into the house, behold, the child was dead, {and} laid upon his bed.
He went in, shut the door on them both, and prayed to the Lord, for real.
He went in therefore, and shut the door upon them twain, and prayed unto the LORD.
Then he laid on the kid, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands, and stretched out on him; the kid's body started to warm up, no cap.
And he went up, and lay upon the child, and put his mouth upon his mouth, and his eyes upon his eyes, and his hands upon his hands: and he stretched himself upon the child; and the flesh of the child waxed warm.
He bounced around the house, then laid back on him again; the kid sneezed seven times and opened his eyes, lit!
Then he returned, and walked in the house to and fro; and went up, and stretched himself upon him: and the child sneezed seven times, and the child opened his eyes. {to and fro: Heb. once hither and once thither}
He called Gehazi, saying, "Get that Shunammite in here." So he did. When she came in, he was like, "Pick up your son."
And he called Gehazi, and said, Call this Shunammite. So he called her. And when she was come in unto him, he said, Take up thy son.
She went in, dropped to his feet, bowed down, grabbed her son, and dipped out.
Then she went in, and fell at his feet, and bowed herself to the ground, and took up her son, and went out.
Elisha hit up Gilgal again, and there was a famine; the prophet crew was chilling with him, and he told his servant, "Get that big pot going and whip up some stew for the crew."
And Elisha came again to Gilgal: and {there was} a dearth in the land; and the sons of the prophets {were} sitting before him: and he said unto his servant, Set on the great pot, and seethe pottage for the sons of the prophets.
One of them went out to grab some herbs, found a wild vine, and picked a lap full of wild gourds, then tossed them in the pot, not even knowing what was good.
And one went out into the field to gather herbs, and found a wild vine, and gathered thereof wild gourds his lap full, and came and shred {them} into the pot of pottage: for they knew {them} not.
They served it up for the crew to eat, but while munching, they were like, "Yo, man of God, there’s something sus in the pot." They couldn’t eat it, periodt.
So they poured out for the men to eat. And it came to pass, as they were eating of the pottage, that they cried out, and said, O {thou} man of God, {there is} death in the pot. And they could not eat {thereof}.
But he was like, "Aight, bring the meal." He tossed it in the pot and said, "Serve it up for the crew, they gotta eat." No cap, the pot was chill.
But he said, Then bring meal. And he cast {it} into the pot; and he said, Pour out for the people, that they may eat. And there was no harm in the pot. {harm: Heb. evil thing}
Then a dude from Baal–shalisha pulled up with some firstfruits bread, twenty barley loaves, and fresh corn still in the husk. He was like, "Feed the squad, they gotta eat."
And there came a man from Baalshalisha, and brought the man of God bread of the firstfruits, twenty loaves of barley, and full ears of corn in the husk thereof. And he said, Give unto the people, that they may eat. {the husk...: or, his scrip, or, garment}
His homie was like, "Bruh, should I really set this up for a hundred people?" He said again, "Just give it to the squad, they'll eat, no cap, and still have leftovers."
And his servitor said, What, should I set this before an hundred men? He said again, Give the people, that they may eat: for thus saith the LORD, They shall eat, and shall leave {thereof}.
So he put it out for them, they feasted, and had leftovers, just like the Lord said.
So he set {it} before them, and they did eat, and left {thereof}, according to the word of the LORD.