2 Kings Chapter 3
Jehoram, Ahab's son, kicks off his reign over Israel in Samaria while Jehoshaphat's holding it down as king of Judah for twelve years.
Now Jehoram the son of Ahab began to reign over Israel in Samaria the eighteenth year of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, and reigned twelve years.
He was pretty sus, but not like his fam; he tossed out the Baal idol his pops crafted.
And he wrought evil in the sight of the LORD; but not like his father, and like his mother: for he put away the image of Baal that his father had made. {image: Heb. statue}
Still, he vibed with the sins that Jeroboam set up, so Israel kept trippin’ on that.
Nevertheless he cleaved unto the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, which made Israel to sin; he departed not therefrom.
Mesha, the Moab king, was a sheep boss and sent a hundred thousand lambs and rams, complete with mad wool, to the king of Israel.
And Mesha king of Moab was a sheepmaster, and rendered unto the king of Israel an hundred thousand lambs, and an hundred thousand rams, with the wool.
After Ahab kicked the bucket, the Moab king was like, “Nah, I’m bouncing,” and rebelled against Israel.
But it came to pass, when Ahab was dead, that the king of Moab rebelled against the king of Israel.
King Jehoram bailed out of Samaria and took stock of all of Israel.
And king Jehoram went out of Samaria the same time, and numbered all Israel.
He slid into Jehoshaphat’s DMs, saying, "Moab’s acting sus, wanna roll with me to battle?" Jehoshaphat was like, "Bet, I’m in. We’re a squad, my crew’s your crew."
And he went and sent to Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, saying, The king of Moab hath rebelled against me: wilt thou go with me against Moab to battle? And he said, I will go up: I {am} as thou {art}, my people as thy people, {and} my horses as thy horses.
Jehoram was like, "Which way we rolling?" and Jehoshaphat replied, "Let’s head through the wilderness of Edom."
And he said, Which way shall we go up? And he answered, The way through the wilderness of Edom.
So the kings of Israel, Judah, and Edom rolled out together, but after seven days, they ran out of water for the homies and their livestock.
So the king of Israel went, and the king of Judah, and the king of Edom: and they fetched a compass of seven days' journey: and there was no water for the host, and for the cattle that followed them. {that...: Heb. at their feet}
The king of Israel was like, "Fr, the Lord brought us three kings together just to hand us over to Moab?"
And the king of Israel said, Alas! that the LORD hath called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab!
But Jehoshaphat was like, "Ain't there a prophet around? We need to vibe with the Lord." One of the crew of the king of Israel said, "Yo, there's Elisha, Shaphat's kid, who used to pour water on Elijah's hands."
But Jehoshaphat said, {Is there} not here a prophet of the LORD, that we may enquire of the LORD by him? And one of the king of Israel's servants answered and said, Here {is} Elisha the son of Shaphat, which poured water on the hands of Elijah.
Jehoshaphat was all, "The word of the Lord is lit with him." So the king of Israel, Jehoshaphat, and the king of Edom headed to him.
And Jehoshaphat said, The word of the LORD is with him. So the king of Israel and Jehoshaphat and the king of Edom went down to him.
Elisha was like, "What's up, king of Israel? Go check with your fam's prophets." But the king was like, "Nah, the Lord brought us three kings here to hand us over to Moab."
And Elisha said unto the king of Israel, What have I to do with thee? get thee to the prophets of thy father, and to the prophets of thy mother. And the king of Israel said unto him, Nay: for the LORD hath called these three kings together, to deliver them into the hand of Moab.
Elisha said, "As the Lord of hosts lives, I’m only peeping you because Jehoshaphat's here, or else you’d be sus to me."
And Elisha said, {As} the LORD of hosts liveth, before whom I stand, surely, were it not that I regard the presence of Jehoshaphat the king of Judah, I would not look toward thee, nor see thee.
But he was like, "Yo, bring me a musician." And when the music started, the hand of the Lord came on him.
But now bring me a minstrel. And it came to pass, when the minstrel played, that the hand of the LORD came upon him.
He said, "The Lord’s got a message: fill this valley up with ditches."
And he said, Thus saith the LORD, Make this valley full of ditches.
'Cause the Lord said, "You won’t see wind or rain, but this valley's gonna get filled with water for you, your cattle, and your squad."
For thus saith the LORD, Ye shall not see wind, neither shall ye see rain; yet that valley shall be filled with water, that ye may drink, both ye, and your cattle, and your beasts.
And this is a light flex for the Lord: He’ll also hand the Moabites over to you.
And this is {but} a light thing in the sight of the LORD: he will deliver the Moabites also into your hand.
You’ll take out every fortified city, every sweet spot, chop down all the solid trees, block all the wells, and wreck the land with stones.
And ye shall smite every fenced city, and every choice city, and shall fell every good tree, and stop all wells of water, and mar every good piece of land with stones. {mar: Heb. grieve}
And in the morning, when the meat offering dropped, water flowed in from Edom, flooding the whole place.
And it came to pass in the morning, when the meat offering was offered, that, behold, there came water by the way of Edom, and the country was filled with water.
When all the Moabites peeped that the kings were rolling up to fight, they gathered everyone who could throw on armor and stood ready at the border.
And when all the Moabites heard that the kings were come up to fight against them, they gathered all that were able to put on armour, and upward, and stood in the border. {gathered: Heb. were cried together} {put on...: Heb. gird himself with a girdle}
They woke up mad early, and the sun was shining on the water, making it look all red like blood on the other side.
And they rose up early in the morning, and the sun shone upon the water, and the Moabites saw the water on the other side {as} red as blood:
They were like, "This is blood! The kings must've gone savage and taken each other out. Moab, let's get that loot!"
And they said, This {is} blood: the kings are surely slain, and they have smitten one another: now therefore, Moab, to the spoil. {slain: Heb. destroyed}
When they hit the Israelite camp, the Israelites popped off and took down the Moabites, making them bounce outta there, but they kept smiting them even in their own land.
And when they came to the camp of Israel, the Israelites rose up and smote the Moabites, so that they fled before them: but they went forward smiting the Moabites, even in {their} country. {they went...: or, they smote in it even smiting}
They wrecked the cities, threw stones on every good piece of land, filled it up, stopped up all the wells, and cut down all the solid trees; only in Kir-haraseth did they leave the stones, but the slingers circled it and took it down.
And they beat down the cities, and on every good piece of land cast every man his stone, and filled it; and they stopped all the wells of water, and felled all the good trees: only in Kirharaseth left they the stones thereof; howbeit the slingers went about {it}, and smote it. {only in...: Heb. until he left its stones in Kirharaseth}
When the Moab king saw the battle was too lit for him, he took 700 sword-wielding homies to break through to the king of Edom, but for real, they couldn’t make it.
And when the king of Moab saw that the battle was too sore for him, he took with him seven hundred men that drew swords, to break through {even} unto the king of Edom: but they could not.
Then he took his oldest son, the one set to take over, and offered him as a burnt sacrifice on the wall. There was some serious drama against Israel, and they dipped back to their own land.
Then he took his eldest son that should have reigned in his stead, and offered him {for} a burnt offering upon the wall. And there was great indignation against Israel: and they departed from him, and returned to {their own} land.