1 Samuel Chapter 28
So, the Philistines gathered their homies to throw down with Israel. Achish was like, "Yo, you and your crew are rolling with me to fight, no cap."
And it came to pass in those days, that the Philistines gathered their armies together for warfare, to fight with Israel. And Achish said unto David, Know thou assuredly, that thou shalt go out with me to battle, thou and thy men.
David was like, "Bet, you know what I'm about." Achish replied, "Aight, you’re my main guy for life."
And David said to Achish, Surely thou shalt know what thy servant can do. And Achish said to David, Therefore will I make thee keeper of mine head for ever.
Samuel had passed, and all of Israel was shook, burying him in Ramah, his hometown. Saul cleared out all the vibe-checkers and wizards from the land.
Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had lamented him, and buried him in Ramah, even in his own city. And Saul had put away those that had familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land.
The Philistines rolled in and set up camp in Shunem, while Saul gathered all of Israel to chill at Gilboa.
And the Philistines gathered themselves together, and came and pitched in Shunem: and Saul gathered all Israel together, and they pitched in Gilboa.
When Saul peeped the Philistine squad, he was shook, and his heart was racing, fr.
And when Saul saw the host of the Philistines, he was afraid, and his heart greatly trembled.
Saul tried to hit up the Lord, but the Lord ghosted him—no dreams, no Urim, no prophets, just straight silence.
And when Saul enquired of the LORD, the LORD answered him not, neither by dreams, nor by Urim, nor by prophets.
Saul told his crew, "Find me a woman with a familiar spirit so I can get the scoop." His crew was like, "There’s a woman with those vibes in En-dor."
Then said Saul unto his servants, Seek me a woman that hath a familiar spirit, that I may go to her, and enquire of her. And his servants said to him, Behold, {there is} a woman that hath a familiar spirit at Endor.
Saul threw on a disguise and dipped out at night with two homies, asking the woman, "Can you, like, summon someone for me?"
And Saul disguised himself, and put on other raiment, and he went, and two men with him, and they came to the woman by night: and he said, I pray thee, divine unto me by the familiar spirit, and bring me {him} up, whom I shall name unto thee.
She was like, "You know what Saul did, right? He kicked out all the vibe-checkers. Why you tryna set me up to get wrecked?"
And the woman said unto him, Behold, thou knowest what Saul hath done, how he hath cut off those that have familiar spirits, and the wizards, out of the land: wherefore then layest thou a snare for my life, to cause me to die?
Saul swore to her by the Lord, saying, "For real, you won’t catch any harm for this."
And Saul sware to her by the LORD, saying, {As} the LORD liveth, there shall no punishment happen to thee for this thing.
The woman asked, "Whom should I summon?" And he said, "Bring me up Samuel."
Then said the woman, Whom shall I bring up unto thee? And he said, Bring me up Samuel.
When she saw Samuel, she screamed, saying, "Why you playing me? You’re Saul!"
And when the woman saw Samuel, she cried with a loud voice: and the woman spake to Saul, saying, Why hast thou deceived me? for thou {art} Saul.
The king said, "Chill, what did you peep?" And the woman replied, "I saw gods coming up from the ground."
And the king said unto her, Be not afraid: for what sawest thou? And the woman said unto Saul, I saw gods ascending out of the earth.
He asked, "What does he look like?" She said, "An old dude in a cloak." Saul figured it was Samuel and bowed down, no cap.
And he said unto her, What form {is} he of? And she said, An old man cometh up; and he {is} covered with a mantle. And Saul perceived that it {was} Samuel, and he stooped with {his} face to the ground, and bowed himself. {What...: Heb. What is his form?}
Samuel was like, "Why you disturbing me to bring me up?" Saul answered, "I’m stressed out; the Philistines are coming for me, and God’s ghosting me."
And Samuel said to Saul, Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? And Saul answered, I am sore distressed; for the Philistines make war against me, and God is departed from me, and answereth me no more, neither by prophets, nor by dreams: therefore I have called thee, that thou mayest make known unto me what I shall do. {by prophets: Heb. by the hand of prophets}
Samuel was like, "Why you asking me? The Lord’s left you and is now your enemy."
Then said Samuel, Wherefore then dost thou ask of me, seeing the LORD is departed from thee, and is become thine enemy?
The Lord did to you what I said: He snatched the kingdom from you and gave it to David, the GOAT.
And the LORD hath done to him, as he spake by me: for the LORD hath rent the kingdom out of thine hand, and given it to thy neighbour, {even} to David: {to him: or, for himself} {me: Heb. mine hand}
You didn’t listen to the Lord’s voice or handle business with Amalek, so the Lord's doing this to you today.
Because thou obeyedst not the voice of the LORD, nor executedst his fierce wrath upon Amalek, therefore hath the LORD done this thing unto thee this day.
Also, the Lord's gonna hand over Israel to the Philistines; tomorrow you and your boys will be with me. The Lord's also giving Israel's squad to the Philistines.
Moreover the LORD will also deliver Israel with thee into the hand of the Philistines: and to morrow {shalt} thou and thy sons {be} with me: the LORD also shall deliver the host of Israel into the hand of the Philistines.
Saul dropped to the ground, shook up by Samuel's words; he was drained since he hadn’t eaten all day or night.
Then Saul fell straightway all along on the earth, and was sore afraid, because of the words of Samuel: and there was no strength in him; for he had eaten no bread all the day, nor all the night. {fell...: Heb. made haste, and fell with the fulness of his stature}
The woman came to Saul and saw he was hella troubled, saying, "I’ve listened to you and put my life on the line for you."
And the woman came unto Saul, and saw that he was sore troubled, and said unto him, Behold, thine handmaid hath obeyed thy voice, and I have put my life in my hand, and have hearkened unto thy words which thou spakest unto me.
"So please, listen to me and let me feed you a bite to give you strength for your journey."
Now therefore, I pray thee, hearken thou also unto the voice of thine handmaid, and let me set a morsel of bread before thee; and eat, that thou mayest have strength, when thou goest on thy way.
He was like, "Nah, I’m not eating." But his crew and the woman convinced him, so he got up and sat on the bed.
But he refused, and said, I will not eat. But his servants, together with the woman, compelled him; and he hearkened unto their voice. So he arose from the earth, and sat upon the bed.
The woman had a fat calf at home; she rushed, killed it, made some bread, and baked unleavened bread.
And the woman had a fat calf in the house; and she hasted, and killed it, and took flour, and kneaded {it}, and did bake unleavened bread thereof:
She brought it to Saul and his crew, and they ate. Then they bounced and left that night.
And she brought {it} before Saul, and before his servants; and they did eat. Then they rose up, and went away that night.