1 Samuel Chapter 25
So Samuel checked out, and all the Israelites gathered to vibe and mourn him, burying him at his crib in Ramah. After that, David dipped to the wilderness of Paran.
And Samuel died; and all the Israelites were gathered together, and lamented him, and buried him in his house at Ramah. And David arose, and went down to the wilderness of Paran.
In Maon, there was this rich dude, stacking cash with his goods in Carmel; he had three thousand sheep and a thousand goats, and was out there shearing them in Carmel.
And {there was} a man in Maon, whose possessions {were} in Carmel; and the man {was} very great, and he had three thousand sheep, and a thousand goats: and he was shearing his sheep in Carmel. {possessions: or, business}
The homie’s name was Nabal, and his wifey was Abigail; she was pretty sharp and looked fire, but he was a total jerk and sus in how he acted; he came from Caleb's fam.
Now the name of the man {was} Nabal; and the name of his wife Abigail: and {she was} a woman of good understanding, and of a beautiful countenance: but the man {was} churlish and evil in his doings; and he {was} of the house of Caleb.
David got the scoop in the wild that Nabal was shearing his sheep.
And David heard in the wilderness that Nabal did shear his sheep.
So David sent ten young guys, saying, "Yo, roll to Carmel, find Nabal, and hit him up for me."
And David sent out ten young men, and David said unto the young men, Get you up to Carmel, and go to Nabal, and greet him in my name: {greet...: Heb. ask him in my name of peace}
Tell him this: "Peace to you, your fam, and all your goods; hope everything's chill."
And thus shall ye say to him that liveth {in prosperity}, Peace {be} both to thee, and peace {be} to thine house, and peace {be} unto all that thou hast.
I heard you got shearers, and we didn’t mess with your shepherds while they were chilling with us in Carmel; they were all solid, no cap.
And now I have heard that thou hast shearers: now thy shepherds which were with us, we hurt them not, neither was there ought missing unto them, all the while they were in Carmel. {hurt: Heb. shamed}
Ask your young dudes; they'll back me up. We're here on a good day, so please bless us with whatever you can spare for your servants and your boy David.
Ask thy young men, and they will shew thee. Wherefore let the young men find favour in thine eyes: for we come in a good day: give, I pray thee, whatsoever cometh to thine hand unto thy servants, and to thy son David.
When David's young men showed up, they filled Nabal in on everything David said and then just stood there.
And when David's young men came, they spake to Nabal according to all those words in the name of David, and ceased. {ceased: Heb. rested}
Nabal clapped back at David's crew, saying, "Who’s David? Who's Jesse's son? There are mad servants these days who ditch their masters."
And Nabal answered David's servants, and said, Who {is} David? and who {is} the son of Jesse? there be many servants now a days that break away every man from his master.
So, should I just give my bread, water, and meat I cooked for my crew to random dudes I don’t even know? That’s sus.
Shall I then take my bread, and my water, and my flesh that I have killed for my shearers, and give {it} unto men, whom I know not whence they {be}? {flesh: Heb. slaughter}
David’s guys bounced back and spilled all the tea about what went down.
So David's young men turned their way, and went again, and came and told him all those sayings.
David was like, "Yo, grab your swords, fam!" So they all strapped up, and about 400 rolled with David while 200 stayed behind.
And David said unto his men, Gird ye on every man his sword. And they girded on every man his sword; and David also girded on his sword: and there went up after David about four hundred men; and two hundred abode by the stuff.
One of the young dudes told Abigail, Nabal’s wifey, "Yo, David sent some peeps from the wild to greet our boss, but he totally dissed them."
But one of the young men told Abigail, Nabal's wife, saying, Behold, David sent messengers out of the wilderness to salute our master; and he railed on them. {railed...: Heb. flew upon them}
But those guys were mad chill with us; we didn’t get hurt or miss anything while we were vibing in the fields.
But the men {were} very good unto us, and we were not hurt, neither missed we any thing, as long as we were conversant with them, when we were in the fields: {hurt: Heb. shamed}
They had our backs day and night while we were out there with the sheep.
They were a wall unto us both by night and day, all the while we were with them keeping the sheep.
So, think about what you gotta do; bad vibes are coming for our boss and his whole crew. He’s such a Belial, can’t even talk to him.
Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he {is such} a son of Belial, that {a man} cannot speak to him.
Abigail was like, "Let’s make moves!" She grabbed 200 loaves, two bottles of wine, five dressed sheep, five measures of roasted corn, a hundred raisin clusters, and 200 fig cakes, and loaded them up.
Then Abigail made haste, and took two hundred loaves, and two bottles of wine, and five sheep ready dressed, and five measures of parched {corn}, and an hundred clusters of raisins, and two hundred cakes of figs, and laid {them} on asses. {clusters: or, lumps}
She told her servants, "Y’all go ahead; I’ll catch up. But I ain’t telling Nabal."
And she said unto her servants, Go on before me; behold, I come after you. But she told not her husband Nabal.
As she rode on the donkey, she came down the hill and spotted David and his crew coming her way; she ran into them.
And it was {so, as} she rode on the ass, that she came down by the covert of the hill, and, behold, David and his men came down against her; and she met them.
David was like, "No cap, I kept it real for this dude in the wild, and he just hit me with the savage move for no reason."
Now David had said, Surely in vain have I kept all that this {fellow} hath in the wilderness, so that nothing was missed of all that {pertained} unto him: and he hath requited me evil for good.
"So, God better do the same to David's haters, if by sunrise I don't wipe out everyone who disrespects him."
So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that {pertain} to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
When Abigail peeped David, she was quick with it, hopped off her donkey, and went full-on humble mode, bowing down.
And when Abigail saw David, she hasted, and lighted off the ass, and fell before David on her face, and bowed herself to the ground,
She dropped to his feet and said, "Yo, my lord, let this mess be on me; just hear me out, please."
And fell at his feet, and said, Upon me, my lord, {upon} me {let this} iniquity {be}: and let thine handmaid, I pray thee, speak in thine audience, and hear the words of thine handmaid. {audience: Heb. ears}
"Don’t even trip over this dude Nabal, he’s a straight up joke; his name's a whole vibe, and I didn’t see your guys, my bad."
Let not my lord, I pray thee, regard this man of Belial, {even} Nabal: for as his name {is}, so {is} he; Nabal {is} his name, and folly {is} with him: but I thine handmaid saw not the young men of my lord, whom thou didst send. {regard: Heb. lay it to his heart} {Nabal: that is, Fool}
"So, my lord, as God lives and you live, since God stopped you from spilling blood and going all out, let your enemies be like Nabal."
Now therefore, my lord, {as} the LORD liveth, and {as} thy soul liveth, seeing the LORD hath withholden thee from coming to {shed} blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal. {avenging...: Heb. saving thyself}
"And this blessing I brought? Just pass it to the homies rolling with you."
And now this blessing which thine handmaid hath brought unto my lord, let it even be given unto the young men that follow my lord. {blessing: or, present} {follow...: Heb. walk at the feet of, etc}
"Forgive me, my lord; God’s gonna hook you up with a solid legacy, 'cause you fight for Him, and you ain't done wrong."
I pray thee, forgive the trespass of thine handmaid: for the LORD will certainly make my lord a sure house; because my lord fighteth the battles of the LORD, and evil hath not been found in thee {all} thy days.
"But there's a dude out here tryna come for you; your soul's safe in God's vibe, while your enemies will get tossed like a slingshot."
Yet a man is risen to pursue thee, and to seek thy soul: but the soul of my lord shall be bound in the bundle of life with the LORD thy God; and the souls of thine enemies, them shall he sling out, {as out} of the middle of a sling. {as out...: Heb. in the midst of the bought of a sling}
"And when God does all the good He promised you, you’re gonna be the ruler over Israel, fr."
And it shall come to pass, when the LORD shall have done to my lord according to all the good that he hath spoken concerning thee, and shall have appointed thee ruler over Israel;
No cap, this ain’t gonna stress you out or hurt my dude’s feelings, 'cause you didn’t spill blood for no reason, and my dude ain’t out here getting revenge: but when the Lord blesses my dude, just remember your girl here.
That this shall be no grief unto thee, nor offence of heart unto my lord, either that thou hast shed blood causeless, or that my lord hath avenged himself: but when the LORD shall have dealt well with my lord, then remember thine handmaid. {no grief: Heb. no staggering, or, stumbling}
David was like, "Bless up to the Lord God of Israel for sending you my way today."
And David said to Abigail, Blessed {be} the LORD God of Israel, which sent thee this day to meet me:
And he was like, "Your advice is lit, and you’re goated for saving me from spilling blood and getting my own revenge."
And blessed {be} thy advice, and blessed {be} thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to {shed} blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.
For real, as the Lord God of Israel lives, He kept me from hurting you; if you hadn't rushed to meet me, Nabal would’ve been totally wiped out by sunrise.
For in very deed, {as} the LORD God of Israel liveth, which hath kept me back from hurting thee, except thou hadst hasted and come to meet me, surely there had not been left unto Nabal by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall.
So David took what she brought and said, "Vibe check, go back home in peace; I heard you loud and clear, and I got you."
So David received of her hand {that} which she had brought him, and said unto her, Go up in peace to thine house; see, I have hearkened to thy voice, and have accepted thy person.
Abigail rolled up to Nabal, and dude was throwing a feast like a king; his heart was all happy 'cause he was super wasted: so she didn’t spill any tea until the morning.
And Abigail came to Nabal; and, behold, he held a feast in his house, like the feast of a king; and Nabal's heart {was} merry within him, for he {was} very drunken: wherefore she told him nothing, less or more, until the morning light.
But come morning, when Nabal was sober and heard what went down, his heart just straight-up died, and he was like a rock.
But it came to pass in the morning, when the wine was gone out of Nabal, and his wife had told him these things, that his heart died within him, and he became {as} a stone.
Then, like ten days later, the Lord took Nabal out; dude was done for.
And it came to pass about ten days {after}, that the LORD smote Nabal, that he died.
When David heard Nabal was gone, he was like, "Bless up to the Lord for handling my business and keeping me from evil: the Lord flipped Nabal’s bad vibes right back on him." Then David hit up Abigail to make her his wife.
And when David heard that Nabal was dead, he said, Blessed {be} the LORD, that hath pleaded the cause of my reproach from the hand of Nabal, and hath kept his servant from evil: for the LORD hath returned the wickedness of Nabal upon his own head. And David sent and communed with Abigail, to take her to him to wife.
When David's crew showed up to Abigail in Carmel, they were like, "David sent us to scoop you up as his wife."
And when the servants of David were come to Abigail to Carmel, they spake unto her, saying, David sent us unto thee, to take thee to him to wife.
She got up, hit the ground face first, and was like, "Yo, let me be the one to wash your servants' feet, no cap."
And she arose, and bowed herself on {her} face to the earth, and said, Behold, {let} thine handmaid {be} a servant to wash the feet of the servants of my lord.
Abigail was like, "Let’s go!" and jumped on her donkey with five of her girls, chasing after David's messengers to become his wife.
And Abigail hasted, and arose, and rode upon an ass, with five damsels of hers that went after her; and she went after the messengers of David, and became his wife. {after her: Heb. at her feet}
David also scooped up Ahinoam from Jezreel, so now he’s got two wives, fr.
David also took Ahinoam of Jezreel; and they were also both of them his wives.
But Saul was sus and gave his daughter Michal, David’s wife, to Phalti, the dude from Gallim.
But Saul had given Michal his daughter, David's wife, to Phalti the son of Laish, which {was} of Gallim. {Phalti: also called, Phaltiel}