1 Kings Chapter 2
So, David's time was almost over, and he hit up his son Solomon, saying,
Now the days of David drew nigh that he should die; and he charged Solomon his son, saying,
"I'm about to bounce, so keep it strong and be a real man, no cap."
I go the way of all the earth: be thou strong therefore, and shew thyself a man;
"Stay 100 with the Lord, follow His path, and stick to His laws and vibes so you can succeed in everything you do, wherever you go."
And keep the charge of the LORD thy God, to walk in his ways, to keep his statutes, and his commandments, and his judgments, and his testimonies, as it is written in the law of Moses, that thou mayest prosper in all that thou doest, and whithersoever thou turnest thyself: {prosper: or, do wisely}
"If your kids stay loyal and walk in truth with all their heart and soul, the Lord's gonna have your back, and there’ll always be someone ruling Israel, fr."
That the LORD may continue his word which he spake concerning me, saying, If thy children take heed to their way, to walk before me in truth with all their heart and with all their soul, there shall not fail thee (said he) a man on the throne of Israel. {fail...: Heb. be cut off from thee from the throne}
"And you know how Joab, son of Zeruiah, did me dirty, taking out those two captains of Israel, Abner and Amasa, spilling blood even when times were calm."
Moreover thou knowest also what Joab the son of Zeruiah did to me, {and} what he did to the two captains of the hosts of Israel, unto Abner the son of Ner, and unto Amasa the son of Jether, whom he slew, and shed the blood of war in peace, and put the blood of war upon his girdle that {was} about his loins, and in his shoes that {were} on his feet. {shed: Heb. put}
"So make sure you handle this wisely; don’t let that old dude chill in peace."
Do therefore according to thy wisdom, and let not his hoar head go down to the grave in peace.
"Show some love to the sons of Barzillai the Gileadite; let them eat with you, 'cause they had my back when I was on the run from your bro Absalom."
But shew kindness unto the sons of Barzillai the Gileadite, and let them be of those that eat at thy table: for so they came to me when I fled because of Absalom thy brother.
"And, check it, you got Shimei, son of Gera, the Benjamite who cursed me hard when I was at Mahanaim, but he came to meet me at the Jordan, and I promised him, 'I won’t take you out with the sword.'"
And, behold, {thou hast} with thee Shimei the son of Gera, a Benjamite of Bahurim, which cursed me with a grievous curse in the day when I went to Mahanaim: but he came down to meet me at Jordan, and I sware to him by the LORD, saying, I will not put thee to death with the sword. {grievous: Heb. strong}
"So don’t let him slide; you’re wise and know what to do; just make sure he goes down to the grave with some blood on his hands."
Now therefore hold him not guiltless: for thou {art} a wise man, and knowest what thou oughtest to do unto him; but his hoar head bring thou down to the grave with blood.
"So David kicked the bucket and got buried in the city of David, periodt."
So David slept with his fathers, and was buried in the city of David.
David ruled Israel for forty years: seven years in Hebron and thirty-three years in Jerusalem. That's lit.
And the days that David reigned over Israel {were} forty years: seven years reigned he in Hebron, and thirty and three years reigned he in Jerusalem.
Solomon stepped up to his dad David's throne, and his kingdom was on a whole new level.
Then sat Solomon upon the throne of David his father; and his kingdom was established greatly.
Adonijah, son of Haggith, rolled up to Bath-sheba, Solomon's mom. She asked, "You good?" He replied, "All good."
And Adonijah the son of Haggith came to Bathsheba the mother of Solomon. And she said, Comest thou peaceably? And he said, Peaceably.
He was like, "I’ve got something to say." She was like, "Spill the tea."
He said moreover, I have somewhat to say unto thee. And she said, Say on.
He said, "You know the kingdom was supposed to be mine, and everyone was vibing with me to reign, but now it’s my bro’s 'cause God handed it to him."
And he said, Thou knowest that the kingdom was mine, and {that} all Israel set their faces on me, that I should reign: howbeit the kingdom is turned about, and is become my brother's: for it was his from the LORD.
"Now, I want just one thing from you, don’t ghost me." She was like, "For sure, what’s up?"
And now I ask one petition of thee, deny me not. And she said unto him, Say on. {deny...: Heb. turn not away my face}
He asked, "Can you chat with King Solomon for me? He won’t say no, and ask him for Abishag the Shunammite as my wife."
And he said, Speak, I pray thee, unto Solomon the king, (for he will not say thee nay,) that he give me Abishag the Shunammite to wife.
Bath-sheba was like, "Bet; I’ll talk to the king for you."
And Bathsheba said, Well; I will speak for thee unto the king.
Bath-sheba approached King Solomon to speak for Adonijah. The king got up for her, bowed down, relaxed on his throne, and got a seat ready for his mom. She sat on his right.
Bathsheba therefore went unto king Solomon, to speak unto him for Adonijah. And the king rose up to meet her, and bowed himself unto her, and sat down on his throne, and caused a seat to be set for the king's mother; and she sat on his right hand.
Then she said, "I just want one small favor; please don’t say no." The king replied, "Ask away, Mom; I got you."
Then she said, I desire one small petition of thee; {I pray thee}, say me not nay. And the king said unto her, Ask on, my mother: for I will not say thee nay.
She was like, "Yo, let Abishag from Shunem be wifed up by Adonijah, your bro."
And she said, Let Abishag the Shunammite be given to Adonijah thy brother to wife.
King Solomon was like, "Why you stressing over Abishag for Adonijah? Might as well ask for the whole kingdom, 'cause he’s my older bro, and for Abiathar the priest and Joab too."
And king Solomon answered and said unto his mother, And why dost thou ask Abishag the Shunammite for Adonijah? ask for him the kingdom also; for he {is} mine elder brother; even for him, and for Abiathar the priest, and for Joab the son of Zeruiah.
Then Solomon swore to the Lord, "God do me dirty if Adonijah ain't just put his life on the line with that talk."
Then king Solomon sware by the LORD, saying, God do so to me, and more also, if Adonijah have not spoken this word against his own life.
"So, as the Lord lives, who set me on David's throne and promised me a dynasty, Adonijah is getting the boot today."
Now therefore, {as} the LORD liveth, which hath established me, and set me on the throne of David my father, and who hath made me an house, as he promised, Adonijah shall be put to death this day.
Solomon sent Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, and he went in and took him out, no cap.
And king Solomon sent by the hand of Benaiah the son of Jehoiada; and he fell upon him that he died.
Solomon told Abiathar the priest, "Bounce to Anathoth and chill in your fields; you’re on thin ice, but I won’t off you now 'cause you carried the ark for my dad and you’ve had a rough time."
And unto Abiathar the priest said the king, Get thee to Anathoth, unto thine own fields; for thou {art} worthy of death: but I will not at this time put thee to death, because thou barest the ark of the Lord GOD before David my father, and because thou hast been afflicted in all wherein my father was afflicted. {worthy...: Heb. a man of death}
So Solomon booted Abiathar from being a priest to the Lord, making good on the word about Eli’s house in Shiloh.
So Solomon thrust out Abiathar from being priest unto the LORD; that he might fulfil the word of the LORD, which he spake concerning the house of Eli in Shiloh.
Then news reached Joab: he was rolling with Adonijah but not with Absalom. Joab took off to the Lord’s tabernacle and grabbed the altar’s horns, no cap.
Then tidings came to Joab: for Joab had turned after Adonijah, though he turned not after Absalom. And Joab fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD, and caught hold on the horns of the altar.
Solomon got word that Joab was at the Lord's tabernacle, by the altar. He sent Benaiah, saying, "Go take him out."
And it was told king Solomon that Joab was fled unto the tabernacle of the LORD; and, behold, {he is} by the altar. Then Solomon sent Benaiah the son of Jehoiada, saying, Go, fall upon him.
Benaiah showed up at the tabernacle and said, "King says, come out." Joab was like, "Nah, I’d rather die here." Benaiah went back to the king, saying, "This is what Joab said, and that’s how he answered me."
And Benaiah came to the tabernacle of the LORD, and said unto him, Thus saith the king, Come forth. And he said, Nay; but I will die here. And Benaiah brought the king word again, saying, Thus said Joab, and thus he answered me.
The king was like, "Do what he said, take him out, and bury him; we gotta clear that innocent blood Joab spilled, no cap."
And the king said unto him, Do as he hath said, and fall upon him, and bury him; that thou mayest take away the innocent blood, which Joab shed, from me, and from the house of my father.
The Lord's gonna make sure his blood comes back to him for taking out two righteous dudes, Abner and Amasa, while my dad David had no clue.
And the LORD shall return his blood upon his own head, who fell upon two men more righteous and better than he, and slew them with the sword, my father David not knowing {thereof, to wit}, Abner the son of Ner, captain of the host of Israel, and Amasa the son of Jether, captain of the host of Judah.
So Joab’s blood is gonna be on his head and his fam forever, but for David and his crew, it’s all peace from the Lord, fr.
Their blood shall therefore return upon the head of Joab, and upon the head of his seed for ever: but upon David, and upon his seed, and upon his house, and upon his throne, shall there be peace for ever from the LORD.
Then Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, rolled up, took him out, and buried him in his own crib in the wilderness.
So Benaiah the son of Jehoiada went up, and fell upon him, and slew him: and he was buried in his own house in the wilderness.
The king promoted Benaiah as the new leader over the army, and Zadok the priest took Abiathar's spot, lit.
And the king put Benaiah the son of Jehoiada in his room over the host: and Zadok the priest did the king put in the room of Abiathar.
The king called for Shimei and said, "Build a house in Jerusalem, chill there, and don’t dip anywhere else."
And the king sent and called for Shimei, and said unto him, Build thee an house in Jerusalem, and dwell there, and go not forth thence any whither.
If you step out and cross the Kidron, just know you're toast; your blood’s on you, periodt.
For it shall be, {that} on the day thou goest out, and passest over the brook Kidron, thou shalt know for certain that thou shalt surely die: thy blood shall be upon thine own head.
Shimei was like, "Sounds good, I’ll do what my king says." So he stayed in Jerusalem for a minute.
And Shimei said unto the king, The saying {is} good: as my lord the king hath said, so will thy servant do. And Shimei dwelt in Jerusalem many days.
After three years, two of Shimei’s servants bounced to Achish, king of Gath, and told him, "Yo, your peeps are in Gath."
And it came to pass at the end of three years, that two of the servants of Shimei ran away unto Achish son of Maachah king of Gath. And they told Shimei, saying, Behold, thy servants {be} in Gath.
Shimei got up, saddled his donkey, and went to Gath to find his servants; he was like, "I gotta get my crew back."
And Shimei arose, and saddled his ass, and went to Gath to Achish to seek his servants: and Shimei went, and brought his servants from Gath.
So Solomon heard that Shimei bounced from Jerusalem to Gath and then came back. Major sus vibes.
And it was told Solomon that Shimei had gone from Jerusalem to Gath, and was come again.
The king called Shimei and said, "Did I not have you swear by the Lord? You know if you bounce out, you’re done for, right? And you said that was cool."
And the king sent and called for Shimei, and said unto him, Did I not make thee to swear by the LORD, and protested unto thee, saying, Know for a certain, on the day thou goest out, and walkest abroad any whither, that thou shalt surely die? and thou saidst unto me, The word {that} I have heard {is} good.
So why you not keeping it 100 with the Lord and the rules I gave you?
Why then hast thou not kept the oath of the LORD, and the commandment that I have charged thee with?
The king told Shimei, "You know all the shady stuff your heart is hiding that you did to my dad David, right? So now, the Lord’s gonna drop that on you."
The king said moreover to Shimei, Thou knowest all the wickedness which thine heart is privy to, that thou didst to David my father: therefore the LORD shall return thy wickedness upon thine own head;
And for real, king Solomon is gonna be blessed, and David's throne is gonna be solid forever.
And king Solomon {shall be} blessed, and the throne of David shall be established before the LORD for ever.
Then the king told Benaiah, son of Jehoiada, to handle Shimei, and he did. Shimei was done, and Solomon’s kingdom was legit.
So the king commanded Benaiah the son of Jehoiada; which went out, and fell upon him, that he died. And the kingdom was established in the hand of Solomon.