1 Chronicles Chapter 21
So, Satan was like, "Bet," and started causing chaos for Israel, getting David to tally them up.
And Satan stood up against Israel, and provoked David to number Israel.
David hit up Joab and the crew, saying, "Ayo, go count everyone in Israel from Beer-sheba to Dan, and bring me the scoop."
And David said to Joab and to the rulers of the people, Go, number Israel from Beersheba even to Dan; and bring the number of them to me, that I may know {it}.
Joab responded, "Fr, if God wants, He can make His people a hundred times more than this, but for real, aren't they all your folks? Why you stressing and causing drama for Israel?"
And Joab answered, The LORD make his people an hundred times so many more as they {be}: but, my lord the king, {are} they not all my lord's servants? why then doth my lord require this thing? why will he be a cause of trespass to Israel?
But the king's word was straight-up law, so Joab dipped, went all over Israel, and made his way back to Jerusalem.
Nevertheless the king's word prevailed against Joab. Wherefore Joab departed, and went throughout all Israel, and came to Jerusalem.
Joab laid the numbers on David, and it was a straight flex: a million soldiers in Israel, and Judah had 470,000 warriors ready to roll.
And Joab gave the sum of the number of the people unto David. And all {they of} Israel were a thousand thousand and an hundred thousand men that drew sword: and Judah {was} four hundred threescore and ten thousand men that drew sword.
But he didn’t count Levi and Benjamin since the king's order was sus to Joab.
But Levi and Benjamin counted he not among them: for the king's word was abominable to Joab.
God wasn't vibing with this, so He hit Israel with some consequences.
And God was displeased with this thing; therefore he smote Israel. {And...: Heb. And it was evil in the eyes of the LORD concerning this thing}
David was like, "My bad, God, I messed up big time. Please wipe my sins; I was acting super sus."
And David said unto God, I have sinned greatly, because I have done this thing: but now, I beseech thee, do away the iniquity of thy servant; for I have done very foolishly.
Then the Lord slid into Gad, David's seer, saying,
And the LORD spake unto Gad, David's seer, saying,
"Go tell David this: I’m giving you three options; choose one so I can handle it."
Go and tell David, saying, Thus saith the LORD, I offer thee three {things}: choose thee one of them, that I may do {it} unto thee. {offer: Heb. stretch out}
So Gad rolled up to David and was like, "Yo, God said to pick one."
So Gad came to David, and said unto him, Thus saith the LORD, Choose thee {Choose...: Heb. Take to thee}
You can either deal with three years of famine, three months of getting wrecked by your enemies, or three days of the Lord's sword cutting through the land. Think it over, fam, what should I tell Him?
Either three years' famine; or three months to be destroyed before thy foes, while that the sword of thine enemies overtaketh {thee}; or else three days the sword of the LORD, even the pestilence, in the land, and the angel of the LORD destroying throughout all the coasts of Israel. Now therefore advise thyself what word I shall bring again to him that sent me.
David replied, "I'm in a tough spot: I'd rather be in the Lord’s hands, 'cause His mercy is lit; just don’t let me fall into human hands."
And David said unto Gad, I am in a great strait: let me fall now into the hand of the LORD; for very great {are} his mercies: but let me not fall into the hand of man. {very great: or, very many}
So the Lord sent a plague on Israel, and 70k dudes straight up fell.
So the LORD sent pestilence upon Israel: and there fell of Israel seventy thousand men.
God sent an angel to Jerusalem to mess it up, but when the Lord peeped it, He was like, "Chill, that's enough," and told the angel to stop. The angel was by Ornan the Jebusite's threshing floor.
And God sent an angel unto Jerusalem to destroy it: and as he was destroying, the LORD beheld, and he repented him of the evil, and said to the angel that destroyed, It is enough, stay now thine hand. And the angel of the LORD stood by the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite. {Ornan: also called, Araunah}
David looked up and peeped the angel of the Lord chilling between heaven and earth, sword drawn over Jerusalem. David and the elders, all decked out in sackcloth, were on their faces, no cap.
And David lifted up his eyes, and saw the angel of the LORD stand between the earth and the heaven, having a drawn sword in his hand stretched out over Jerusalem. Then David and the elders {of Israel, who were} clothed in sackcloth, fell upon their faces.
David said to God, "Ain't I the one who told everyone to be counted? I messed up big time; but what did these sheep do? Let your hand be on me and my fam, but not on your people, so they don’t get wrecked."
And David said unto God, {Is it} not I {that} commanded the people to be numbered? even I it is that have sinned and done evil indeed; but {as for} these sheep, what have they done? let thine hand, I pray thee, O LORD my God, be on me, and on my father's house; but not on thy people, that they should be plagued.
Then the angel told Gad to tell David to go up and make an altar to the Lord at Ornan the Jebusite's threshing floor.
Then the angel of the LORD commanded Gad to say to David, that David should go up, and set up an altar unto the LORD in the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite.
David bounced up at Gad's word, which he dropped in the name of the Lord.
And David went up at the saying of Gad, which he spake in the name of the LORD.
Ornan turned around, saw the angel, and his four sons were like, "Nah fam," and hid. Ornan was just out here threshing wheat.
And Ornan turned back, and saw the angel; and his four sons with him hid themselves. Now Ornan was threshing wheat. {And Ornan...: or, When Ornan turned back and saw the angel, then he and his four sons with him hid themselves}
So David rolled up to Ornan, and Ornan saw him, bounced outta the threshing floor, and straight up bowed to David like, "Respect."
And as David came to Ornan, Ornan looked and saw David, and went out of the threshingfloor, and bowed himself to David with {his} face to the ground.
Then David's like, "Yo, let me cop this threshing floor to build an altar for the Lord. You’ll get the full price, no cap, so the plague can chill on the people."
Then David said to Ornan, Grant me the place of {this} threshingfloor, that I may build an altar therein unto the LORD: thou shalt grant it me for the full price: that the plague may be stayed from the people. {Grant: Heb. Give}
Ornan replies, "Take it, fam. My king can do whatever vibes with him. I’ll throw in the oxen for burnt offerings, the tools for wood, and the wheat for the meat offering; it’s all yours."
And Ornan said unto David, Take {it} to thee, and let my lord the king do {that which is} good in his eyes: lo, I give {thee} the oxen {also} for burnt offerings, and the threshing instruments for wood, and the wheat for the meat offering; I give it all.
King David's like, "Nah fam, I'm gonna buy it at full price. I ain't taking your stuff for the Lord or offering burnt offerings for free."
And king David said to Ornan, Nay; but I will verily buy it for the full price: for I will not take {that} which {is} thine for the LORD, nor offer burnt offerings without cost.
So David dropped six hundred shekels of gold on Ornan for the spot.
So David gave to Ornan for the place six hundred shekels of gold by weight.
David built an altar there for the Lord, offered burnt offerings and peace offerings, and called on the Lord; He answered with fire from heaven on the altar.
And David built there an altar unto the LORD, and offered burnt offerings and peace offerings, and called upon the LORD; and he answered him from heaven by fire upon the altar of burnt offering.
The Lord told the angel to chill, and he put his sword back in its sheath.
And the LORD commanded the angel; and he put up his sword again into the sheath thereof.
When David saw that the Lord answered him at Ornan's threshing floor, he was like, "Bet," and sacrificed there.
At that time when David saw that the LORD had answered him in the threshingfloor of Ornan the Jebusite, then he sacrificed there.
The tabernacle of the Lord that Moses made in the wilderness and the altar for burnt offerings were at the high place in Gibeon during that time.
For the tabernacle of the LORD, which Moses made in the wilderness, and the altar of the burnt offering, {were} at that season in the high place at Gibeon.
But David couldn't roll up to it to ask God stuff 'cause he was shook from the angel's sword.
But David could not go before it to enquire of God: for he was afraid because of the sword of the angel of the LORD.