1 Chronicles Chapter 19
So, Nahash, the Ammon king, kicked the bucket, and his son was next in line. Major vibes.
Now it came to pass after this, that Nahash the king of the children of Ammon died, and his son reigned in his stead.
David was like, "I need to show some respect to Hanun, Nahash's son, ‘cause his pops was cool with me." So he sent some dudes to give him comfort.
And David said, I will shew kindness unto Hanun the son of Nahash, because his father shewed kindness to me. And David sent messengers to comfort him concerning his father. So the servants of David came into the land of the children of Ammon to Hanun, to comfort him.
But the Ammon princes were like, "You think David's just being friendly? Nah, his squad’s here to scavenge and stir up trouble."
But the princes of the children of Ammon said to Hanun, Thinkest thou that David doth honour thy father, that he hath sent comforters unto thee? are not his servants come unto thee for to search, and to overthrow, and to spy out the land? {Thinkest...: Heb. In thine eyes doth David, etc}
Hanun was wild and took David's guys, gave them some ugly haircuts, and made them look super sus before sending them back.
Wherefore Hanun took David's servants, and shaved them, and cut off their garments in the midst hard by their buttocks, and sent them away.
Some folks filled David in on what went down, and he was like, "Yikes, they must be feeling so awkward. Just chill in Jericho until your beards are back, then roll up here."
Then there went {certain}, and told David how the men were served. And he sent to meet them: for the men were greatly ashamed. And the king said, Tarry at Jericho until your beards be grown, and {then} return.
When the Ammonites realized they messed with the wrong guy, Hanun sent a thousand talents of silver to bring in chariots and soldiers from Mesopotamia and Syria.
And when the children of Ammon saw that they had made themselves odious to David, Hanun and the children of Ammon sent a thousand talents of silver to hire them chariots and horsemen out of Mesopotamia, and out of Syriamaachah, and out of Zobah. {odious: Heb. to stink}
They brought in 32,000 chariots, and the king of Maachah pulled up with his squad, setting up camp near Medeba. The Ammonites were gearing up for war.
So they hired thirty and two thousand chariots, and the king of Maachah and his people; who came and pitched before Medeba. And the children of Ammon gathered themselves together from their cities, and came to battle.
Once David got wind of it, he sent Joab with all his top-notch warriors.
And when David heard {of it}, he sent Joab, and all the host of the mighty men.
The Ammonites came out and formed ranks at the city gate while the kings were chilling in the fields.
And the children of Ammon came out, and put the battle in array before the gate of the city: and the kings that were come {were} by themselves in the field.
Joab peeped that he was surrounded, so he gathered the best warriors from Israel to take on the Syrians.
Now when Joab saw that the battle was set against him before and behind, he chose out of all the choice of Israel, and put {them} in array against the Syrians. {the battle...: Heb. the face of the battle was} {choice: or, young men}
He passed the rest of the troops to his bro Abishai to handle the Ammonites.
And the rest of the people he delivered unto the hand of Abishai his brother, and they set {themselves} in array against the children of Ammon. {Abishai: Heb. Abshai}
Joab was like, "If the Syrians are too lit for me, you gotta back me up; but if the Ammonites are too intense for you, I’ll hold it down for you."
And he said, If the Syrians be too strong for me, then thou shalt help me: but if the children of Ammon be too strong for thee, then I will help thee.
"Stay strong, fam! Let’s show some courage for our people and our cities. Let’s let God work His magic."
Be of good courage, and let us behave ourselves valiantly for our people, and for the cities of our God: and let the LORD do {that which is} good in his sight.
So Joab and his crew charged at the Syrians, and they straight up bounced.
So Joab and the people that {were} with him drew nigh before the Syrians unto the battle; and they fled before him.
When the Ammonites saw the Syrians dip, they were out too, running back to the city. Then Joab headed over to Jerusalem.
And when the children of Ammon saw that the Syrians were fled, they likewise fled before Abishai his brother, and entered into the city. Then Joab came to Jerusalem.
The Syrians realized they were getting wrecked by Israel, so they called for backup across the river, led by Shophach, their captain.
And when the Syrians saw that they were put to the worse before Israel, they sent messengers, and drew forth the Syrians that {were} beyond the river: and Shophach the captain of the host of Hadarezer {went} before them. {river: that is, Euphrates} {Shophach: also called, Shobach}
David caught wind of it, gathered all of Israel, crossed the Jordan, and prepped for battle against them.
And it was told David; and he gathered all Israel, and passed over Jordan, and came upon them, and set {the battle} in array against them. So when David had put the battle in array against the Syrians, they fought with him.
The Syrians fled before Israel; David took out 7,000 of their chariot fighters and 40,000 foot soldiers, including Shophach, their captain.
But the Syrians fled before Israel; and David slew of the Syrians seven thousand {men which fought in} chariots, and forty thousand footmen, and killed Shophach the captain of the host.
When Hadarezer's crew saw they were losing to Israel, they made peace with David and joined his squad; the Syrians stopped rolling with the Ammonites.
And when the servants of Hadarezer saw that they were put to the worse before Israel, they made peace with David, and became his servants: neither would the Syrians help the children of Ammon any more.